Losing Faith in All Things
Posted , 5 users are following.
I'm in my late 40's, and my beautiful ex-fiance's betrayal has left me feeling worthless. This happened almost exactly a year ago. I even let her stay in my house after I found out, while she looked for and purchased another house. She wasn't exactly cerebral, but I loved her despite her emotional disconnect throughout our relationship. To make a long story short, we had the discussion a while back about what each of us would do if we were tempted by another person. She of course said that she would break up with me before pursuing another guy. (She did the opposite - sneaked around for months until I saw a text come through her phone). The worst part is that I took care of her the night before I found out. I went up to her place of work and picked her up to keep her from driving drunk. Had she driven, she would surely have crashed. I almost wish I would not have helped her, considering how little regard she had for me. She wantonly lied to my face. Smiled in face. Said countless "I love you"s. I now despise that phrase. Sometimes I think no human will ever live up to the meaning of that word, including myself.
Despite the positive affirmations by my mother and my peers, my confidence has gone south, and it feels like it's permanent. Dating isn't something I think about much at all. Solitude and sleeping seem to be all that I enjoy now. If it wasn’t for my parents and the horror it would create for them, my life would probably be over. I couldn't bear to tell my mother the circumstances of our breakup. It would have hurt her even more than me. My mom treated her like a daughter. I've never been very social and don't have real friends. Everyone seems to be so superficial and full of s**t that I would rather talk to my pets than try to make new friendships. So my mother is the only one I tell things. And I can't tell her about this. She has had enough in her life to make her heart heavy. This burden is mine.
Having been raised catholic, I, like others, slowly lost my faith. By the time I reached high school I was convinced of the void beyond death, and I knew that whatever true goodness I'd find in this life would be created by certain people. I find myself praying from time to time, but inside I know it's just to make the solitude less severe. If there is a god, I'm sure he's like most people - watching me speak, but not really hearing a word. I want so badly to feel hopeful and be the natural romantic that I am. The prognosis doesn't look good.
2 likes, 4 replies
Adldiane mevans68
Posted
Hello Mevans. I am so sorry that you are suffering so much I can hear your pain through your writing. The first sentence that you wrote got my attention. You said my fiancé cheated on me..leaving me feeling worthless. She cheats...she acts in a "shameless" way and 'you' end up feeling 'worthless'!! She commits a horrible wrong ( lies, cheats and acts shameless) and you take on her shame! That is sad to me! That sends you into a deep depression and maybe grief. Do you think that you might be grieving? I think you sound like a good person and their will be a light at the end of this for you. Have you thought of getting some counseling even grief counseling. You experienced a shock. Maybe some meds to bump you out of this slump. Please keep us posted we care. Diane
mevans68 Adldiane
Posted
I guess that is possible that I'm still grieving - we spent almost 9 years together. I feel terribly sad one minute and then curse her the next. Perhaps I hate the fact that I didn't want to face what my instincts were telling me along the way. I didn't want to believe she could be as cold as she was, especially to someone that stood by her through more than a few of her life's trials. She was a hell of an actress. I'm angry at myself for not trusting my instincts and for trying to believe in something that wasn't real anymore. She made me doubt my judgment and a lot of things. Thank you for your reply and for listening.
phyllis11904 mevans68
Posted
Hi Mevans. I understand why you feel the way you do, but your fiancée was the ONLY one to blame for what happened. She took advantage of your love and trust and after nine years left you with a broken heart and questioning your all your decisions. It's natural to trust the one you love who gives you every reason to believe she feels the same way. You deserve to find love with someone in a healthy, mutually loving relationship.
I agree with Adldiane that you should get counselling to help you deal with the betrayal and all the subsequent feelings you are now having.
Good luck and keep us all posted.
wayne1962 mevans68
Posted
Hi Mevans - I'm so sorry to read of the suffering you endure. Of course you feel betrayed and despondent about life, it's perfectly understandable! The first thing to do is not blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. She did. The second is to remember that she will do this to others. You are free of her now and need time to grieve. Thirdly, it sounds as if you are in a depressive slump. You don't have to endure that alone or without help. It is not a weakness to recognise you are in pain and seek assistance. Action is required.
Make an appointment with your doctor. Describe what has happened and how it has left you feeling isolated, joyless, angry and used. Meds may be prescribed to help balance your mood and will be effective in 3-8 weeks. Meds are a tool and should be used in conjunction with a therapist/counsellor or psychologist. It is there that you will have a safe, controlled environment in which to vent, bring to light the grief and begin to heal the wound. It will take as long as it takes and the professional is there to guide you.
You have mentioned that your mother is the only one you can tell things. She will want to be there for you and it will hurt for her to think you carried this alone, were in pain all that time and she didn't know. Tell her. Let her share the burden. As for your pets - well, if ever there was a gift to us imperfect, sometimes selfish and uncaring humans, it's the unconditional love that a pet gives, always there, never judging, totally loyal. Hang in there, mate - go seek that help. Once you have made a move you will feel better about things and improvements will quickly reveal themselves. We are always here to talk.