Losing it all

Posted , 5 users are following.

I feel like im just losing every little but of me thats left. My doctors palm me off and are sick of me.

Ive been up since 5am head racing pacing the floor talking to myself i.e trying to tell myself to get a grip. Ive had to come down to just 7.5mg of mirtazapine because the side effects are making me very ill. Ive tried so many ads and seem to have sensitivity to them all. Im awaiting a psychiatric app to see what i can go on but that could be ages. Im a single mum of 3 teenage boys with no help. Signed off last 5 weeks. Unfortunately being stuck in makes you worse but psychically and mentally im not fit to work. I dont get sick pay and i am struggling to pay anything. This is the second long stint at being off so dont get employment support allowance either. I was off 5 months last uears after my depression got so severe after losing my mum. Id had depression before that but the tablets i was on no longer helped. Was put on mirtazapine last oct been up and down with dose as higher dose was causing severe anxiety and when i tried to come off them.in july i ended up in hospital for a week. So now im back on them. Ive been on just the smallest dose 7.5 now for about a week and a half and the decline of depression has now got me back in its clutches. I have a heavy menstrual period which i know will probably be making it worse. But im sitting here thinking i cant do this anymore. There is no point. As for going back to the doctors they dont care just tell me they havent got a magic wand. Ive had enough. There is nothing in my life i feel happy about at all and feel i need to end the pain. If i cant work ill lose everything

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11 Replies

  • Posted

    HI Kelly

    so sorry to read you are feeling so low! I am a 68 yr old female who is going through a depression also! I finally got a psychiartist app and I believe his help plus medication is going to work! I am on 20 mil of Paxil for almost 4 weeks and see some improvement! It sounds like you might need a med change as you are experiencing bad side effects! Hope you can find some relief soon! 

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  • Posted

    Have you tried  contacting "Mind" yourself?  I did this last year and got an appointment within 2 weeks.  It has been of great help to me but not a cure. I am starting a "CAT" course next week Cognitive Analytical Therapy, don't know if it will help, I hope so.  Your doctor does not sound to be of much help! There are so many medications for depression so you just have to give them a try to see if any work for you. The trouble with depression is  sometimes it has nothing to do with your situation it just happens. Look at all the celebrities who suffer from it, they have all the money they need, a good life but they still get depressed.  I don't think enough is done to find out the causes of depression, with women it can be down to hormones but they often don't test for that, all down to cost on the NHS. Try giving your local "Mind" a call, it really could help. I wish you all the best my darling I feel for you. X

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for replying. Mind dont operate on scotland. My depression seems to be situational to start with. The very first time i was ever hut with it was a couple of years after i split from the boys dad. My choice. We all stayed with my mum and dad for 2 yrs . But just before i got a house i had this overwhelming feeling of what o desctibed as doom. Pit of stomach sadness i couldnt shift. It just grew and grew and the reality of being on my own paying bills debts keeping a house for the first time in my life cause severe depression and m.e. i recovered in time. Fast forward 4 yrs later and i think the stress andnshock and thinking i was coping with my mum being unwell and suddenly dying all in the space of 12 weeks took its toll. It hit me really bad on august and unfortunatly the meds i was on for years just werent working anymore even at higher dose. But im really struggling this time i seem to be so sensitive to everything they throw at me and this mirtazapine even at lowest dose is making me so ill i cant work. Trouble being now ive gone to lowest dose my depression is creeping back daily. I was give an online cbt course but you know what its like when you have a good day it doest reflect the way you feel on a bad day and you dont feel like doing it on a bad day! Typical!
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    • Posted

      Sorry to hear there is no MIND in your area.  When you talk about the sadness you feel in the pit of your stomach and feeling overwhelmed, you are not alone, that is exactly how I feel when it hits me.  The last time It happened, not long ago,  actually started scratching my arms till I drew blood just to get my mind on another pain. Its the worst feeling in the world. It's time like that when it helps to talk to people like MIND. I also tried an on-line CBT course but it didn't help.  You have a good reason to be depressed after what happened in a short space of time. With me,I don't know why it just comes out of nowhere for no reason.  Life ugh!! The only good things for me are my 3 little dogs. 

       

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  • Posted

    Hi Kelly

    It's so hard to say but it's true. The doctors don't have a magic wand or a magic pill. This was something I had to go thru to realise. You talk about losing everything, but you still have your children. That's everything. You need ti concentrate on them and getting better for them.

    I went thru everything myself and battled the doctors for years looking for the magicv pill. Luckily I finally met a doctor who got through to me. Your not gonna get better through mertaxapine. So stop beating yourself and the docs up about different doses. Nor probably will any other drug work. Didn't for me. All a pointless expensive waste of time and you actualy put off trying to get yourself better waiting for them to work.

    The only answer is in battling whatever caused this. By trying over and over to force yourself to get up, go out, take up new hobbies, get new skills, meet new people. It sounds hard. It is hard. But it's the only way. It saddens me on here when people get hung up on questions about xmg of a drug. They don't make you better. Only you can do that.

    Go back to your doctors and talk about other ways to help. Start talking and see what happens.

    It's the only way.

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    • Posted

      Hi ted

      Thanks for replying. In some aspects i agree with you. I do get up everyday and i do battle through it as best i can. Unfortunatly i have psychical things going on which dont help. I have relapsing m.e and am struggling with severe dizzy spells which hit out of the blue. This making it difficult at the moment to go to work. Which in turn doesnt help the depression i know this. I do force myself to do what what i can i still keep my house in order. Cook for the kids clean wash etc. But with the dizzy spells i cant go out and do things id normally do. I get into a panic

      But i have to agree in some ways to medication. Yes these tablets are goddam awful for side effects but they can also save lives of people so consumed with depresssion to the point they just give up. You say you have to fight it and i agree but when youre eaten up with the feeling of impending doom thats a very hard thing to do. Ive been there and i couldnt get myself out i d lost my best friend, the person i saw every day, the rock that held our family together that helped me look after my boys, my lovely healthy active mum. Snatched away all because of a bladder infection they didnt treat. Id hit rock bottom in a matter of weeks couldnt eat. I just wanted to die. I didnt care about anything. I was put on new medication and at that time which was only this time last year i believe its saved my life then. Unfortunatly the side effects for me are debilitating and i did try to come off them but ended up in hospital. So back to square one back on them. I know there is no magic wand but i have to belive i have to that there is something that can help relieve this. I dont like tablets, i only take paracetamol for pain! All i want is to be well enough to work

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  • Posted

    Kelly, do not let anyone tell you medication does not help us with depression or anxiety! Yes we have to help ourselves but we need to build our confidence back so we can do it! I have suffered with depression and anxiety all my life and it sucks! I was on Lexapro for 10 yrs and it was a great drug for me, however it stopped working and now I am on Paxil which i have been on for almost 4 weeks with some improvement! Hope things start to improve for you too" God Bless

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  • Posted

    Hi Kelly.

    Thanks for that message. I wish I could help you more. I'm in the same boat really. I know we should do more to get active, join a club, get a hobby etc. But it's so hard. But I know it's right. And I know it's the only thing going to save me. I'm trying to fight the Doom as well. Now and again I succeed. I do get exercise. I do go out. I do met people. It's nearly impossible but I think if I can sometimes manage it, then so can you. I know we' both have it in us to succeed. I really do.

    With regards to having 3 teenage boys. I'd d say that's a handful. I was one myself haha. Im sure they're brimming with energy. They would want ti help you. Can you try and use they're energy to help you? Go to sports with them. Get involved in computer games with them. All enjoyable things. You might even feed off their energy. I know they would want you to.

    I'm very much alone and is so hard to do stuff. But I take any chance I can get when I can force myself to.

    Obviously don't stop the meds. But try to use them to spring board your way into things.

    Stay in touch. If you can, I can!

    God luck

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    • Posted

      That made me chuckle. The boys are almost 16, 17 and 19 so getting involved is not an option 2 have girlfriend's and the eldest lives with my dad after my mum died to give him some space. I dont think theu would want me playing games with them! One does play football but more often its away from home and the two youngest have weekend jobs and eldest full time job. Im.just the cook and cleaner. Boys are lazy! And expensive to feed. Thank you for youre kind words. If i could manage to stand up without almost passing out. It makes leaving the house scary. Even after eating im the same. Im only 43 but feel 80

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  • Posted

    Please always have hope. You are not alone . You are always loved by someone. Everything is going to be fine . Even when what you feel in brain is not ok, still hold onto positivity . Transcend all pains . Where are u located . There are people willing to help .
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