Loss

Thoughts of abandonment release feelings of helplessness, the past intrinsically has its role, where insecurities surface - with the vulnerable stage set, the curtain reveals actors poised and ready to partake in the painful drama that's about to unfold... 

Love is real especially the love of children and affects us all though in any other name it can be a falsehood of the heart and mind, it clouds the judgement and overshadows logic and rational. It softens the boundaries, opening up the path for others to tread, although that instinctive gut feeling kicks at us like a bucking bronco, we choose to ignore the warning signs. Thus in the aftermath, the pain from the real kick is present and all too real - if only we chose to listen to that inner voice - the kick in the gut would all have been but a thought and not real pain.

There has to come a time when we get to a point of tearing at the rags that bind us. To be at the hands of clever, educated and manipulative, (I have to question intelligent) as if they were they would have enough foresight into what they do to others, and stop doing it! So, in that respect they are not).

People whose mental abusive maladaptive behaviours send us to the depths of despair as both child and adult, however much the so called normal behaviours are projected to the outside world, these have no patch on the insidious, planned and well thought out acts that are inexcusable. 

From fake smiles in church, to the false clapping of the hands at graduation all but vile projections. From the blaming and shaming for no reason but to burden with guilt to alleviate their own, to a crowed room full of Macbeth's witches huddled around the cauldron waiting for the next injection of poison to be drip fed whilst smiling with faint relief that it is not them at the hands of a devil, to the roar of ramifications for daring to even think of holding them accountable to find the answers as to the real reasons for rejection and abandonment...inexcusable.

From watching from the side lines after the carnage with no contemplation whatsoever to relieve the pain of the dearest thing in life slipping away to having the audacity to then berate as if it was somehow not their doing.  

There is a saying "The truth will out". I have been waiting a lifetime for that to happen. The truth is there will be no truth as there is no strength to delve into themselves to find their own answers - so what chance do we have? To be ourselves and in hope to wade in the shallow waters once more. 

My loss...insurmountable. My life...meaningless. 

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