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I guess a normal introduction or formal hello is needed
My name is Roberto Gutierrez, i live in florida, currently in highschool.
ive been feeling what i guess you can call low or depressed i dont know.
my parents have had other children and they all suceed but im not bieng what they call a succesful person, i guess ive been told that and screamed that so many times that i feel that now and i really dont have a good job expectancy or long life expectancy .,
i needed someone for so long to not like to cry out to but to let out my secrets or to let them hear what i think or rant and have them listen to my problems i recently found a person like that and i truly love her as a friend and shes going through kind of the same thing as me but she smokes weed and yes i somked only once with her and that day was so chill i felt like all my problems went away and that everone was gone exept for me and her which kinda made me happy. of course i wouldnt smoke weed again because i just didint like the feeling of knowing i was doing something illegal.
yesterday it was my 4 month anniversary with my girlfriend but what wieghs in my head is that everyday i lie to my dad because he wants me to have a blonde girlfriend from europe that skinny and thats tall but instead i fell in love with a girl named Jade and its been the best days of my life but i know my dad would hate me knowing i date a ecuadorian girl so i made a lie saying that i date a girl named Aj and that she white and tall and skinny of course my dad now is happy but now i live with a lie that i hate.
i have so much things i would love to tell my dad if he wasnt such a racist person and didnt get mad all the time like the time i smoked weed for the first time or when i rode 13 miles to my girlfriends house or when i found a secret little abandond park but i usualy keep it to myself or i tell only my bestfriend about it.
i usually spend my days alone not because i hate people or anything like that but because i want to listen to my own thoughts or listen to music without the thoughts or feelings of anyone else.
recently ive thought about suicide but i know im to much of a wimp to even put the gun or knife to head or heart so i just stay alone in places listening to my music thinking about my life and what i really want to do or be in life but i guess i will never find out.
sorry this was long but i just needed to let it out somewhere and stop hiding it all the time
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