Maybe killing yourself is just the best way

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I am a 28 years old man. I have been worried about various things all my life as  far as I remember. Recently it became much worse. Sometimes I just want the day pass and I come to stay in my bed foreever. I have been to doctors, hospitals many times for different reasons such as diabetes, hyperthriodism, stomach ache, neck ache. Usually nothing serious. 

I recently started a new business invested all my savings but instead of working to become successfull, I keep worring that for example that people dislike me, that I will never achieve success. It has been 4-5 months that I didn't sleep a night-lenght sleep, always waking in the middle of the night and stay awake till morning, go work exhausted with a horrible face. in the past weeks I have been thinking maybe killing it is just the best way. I dont want to do that but I cannot let my potential melts in front of my eyes and I do nothing.

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  • Posted

    Ali, when we allow things to get on top of us and we are at a very low ebb sometimes our thoughs turn to ending our existence. But that in itself will solve nothing, as the problems that we leave behind for others to sort out are still there, and then of course they are also left with a big hole in their live where we once stood, and also the self-recrimination constantly running through their minds that they may have been able to help us, had they properly understood the stress we were under.

    I know how isolated you must feel, but this is just a passing feeling  brought-on by a very high level of anxiety, and one day it will disappear and it will be is if has never blighted your life.

    Just starting a new business in itself is a very stressful thing to do that carries it's own worries without everything else on top, so I can appreciate how and why you are feel the way that you do.

    Tell me Ali, do you take any medication at the moment, and have any friends or family members that you can talk to who might give you some support?

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    • Posted

      Thanks Archemedes for your reply. No I haven't taken any medicine yet. To be honest I don't want to take any medicine either. My brother has been taking medicine for bipolar disorder, he turned into a completely different person in a few years. A huge belly, puffy face, idiot looks and plus he is useless for any kind of job. So I would much prefer to be dead instead of taking drugs and turning into like that.
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    • Posted

      Thanks for the reply Ali.

      It is your perrogative to decide whether to accept medication or not, but many people suffering from anxiety disorders do get some relief from them.

      Ending ones life is completely final, and removes any opportunity to put things right in ones life.

      I know that this might appear easy for me to say but difficult for you to put into practice, you really need to give yourself a break.

      I am 70 years of age now but in my younger years I suffered with anxiety and depression very much as you do.

      As a youngster I was part of a family who had very little. To make things worse my father died young from injuries that he had sustained during the war, so I had to be brought up my my mother alone who had to work 6 days a week to just put bread on the table.

      When I was an adolescent I needed to try and get on, but all the cards seemed stacked against me. I was depressed - very depressed. I refused to give up and I managed to get myself a job which offered me a low wage, and certainly not enough money to support my mother who was by then quite ill - but it was a job.

      When I was 26, having reached the point where I realized that I was unlikely to ever get anywhere by working for anyone else I attempted to get my own business together. This this was very difficult as I was still studying and trying to work as well.

      Depression set in again, and like you I seriously thought of ending it all.

      I recall one time when I was at my lowest point sitting with a pile of tablets and a bottle of whisky in front of me and thought about my next move. I took all the tablets and washed them down with the entire bottle of whisky thinking that this was the end.

      A day later I woke up and I thought carefully about what I had just done. An immense feeling of relief flowed over me that I had failed in my attempt to kill myself, and at that point I considered myself to be very very fortunate indeed to have survived.

      It occurred to me that I had been so incredibly selfish and stupid, because where there is life there is also hope.

      I used that sad experience in my life to move on and to make my mind up never ever to go to that same pit of despair ever again.

      Subsequently I met a wonderful woman who became my wife. We had some great children, and I also managed to struggle through and get a business going which later turned-out successful.

      As I said when I started, I am now 70 years of age, still happily married and have some great grandchildren.

      The moral of this true story is that no matter how bad you think things are if you don't give up there is always hope at the end of the tunnel.

      So hang in there Ali, you will make it. 

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    • Posted

      Great and powerful story, thanks so much for sharing.

      Ali I hope you get some strength from Archemedes' experiences. Please talk to a professional about the way you are feeling and please don't write of medication millions of people take them for a good reason. You take medication for your diabetes or thyroid despite possible side effects?

      Best wishes.


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    • Posted

      I think I actually drank as a way to curb the anxiety symptoms.  I never missed work because of it but I do believe it was to help sleep so I could get away from the anxiety.  Anxiety truly is a selfish condition.  It makes us forget about all else and think only of ourselves and how anxiety is affecting us.  One of my docs actually thought my years of lack of sleep actually perpetuated the anxiety level I feel today.  The lack of sleep changed my "brain chemistry" as she put it.  It did lead to a sleep study and I do have severe sleep apnea.  Whatever the cause, it's a rough condition and I'm happy things are working out for you.  I'm looking at 50 years old this year and have given the better part of the last 8 years to anxiety and am still in the tunnel...but, the days are getting brighter, and the bad cycles are becoming less often and less profound.  Thanks for your post.  More like it are needed.
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    • Posted

      To all of you who have read what I have written please gather strength from it.

      Yes I am also a Diabetic with peripheral neuropathy, and yes I also have a spinal stenosis and other medical problems, but please take note that I did survive a selfish and stupid attempt at suicide in my younger years when everything seemed hopeless - and  that said, I did later make a good life for myself and my family.

      It takes time folks and not expecting too much from ourselves in the meanwhile.

      When I look today at my fantastic grandchildren who say ' I love you grandad', I reflect on that day when there could quite easily have been no wife, no grandchildren, no future at all for me - no anything - just death.

      So just look and learn, particularly to have patience with yourselves.

      Everything works out fine in the end if you give it a chance.   

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  • Posted

    I hate to read a post like yours because it makes me sad and moreover it brings me back to a fateful day I had 8 years ago.  Anxiety had taken over and all the blogs or information I read didn't describe the constant level of anxiety I've been going through with many daily panic/anxiety attacks thrown in.  My world had gotten so small by staying in bed or afraid of what might happen if I ventured out to even got to the mail box at the end of my driveway.  One of the many triggers was bridges.  Not the bridge itself but driving and being in a line of cars and having a seatbelt on and not being able to go anywhere.  I sadly put others in danger several times because in a panic attack I would drive backwards down the opposite lane to get out and off the bridge.  Again, the bridge isn't the problem, it was just one of many things that all of a sudden started affecting my life.  I had enough of always feeling like I could die at any moment.  I basically did some checking and ensured my life insurance would pay for suicide.  It would since I had the policy for over two years and so I decided to call it a day.  I actually lined my truck to drive head on into a bridge embankment.  As a last thought because an early death is so profound I thought about calling for help.  I called the psych-clinic and as funny as it sounds they told me to call my own family practice doctor's office because they only take referrals from GPs.  I was stunned at the answer but I didn't know at the time that regular docs could prescribe mental health meds.  Silly on my part but I did call my doc's office and they got me in that day. The initial SSRI type anti depressant didn't help after a few days of hopeful promise but it got me referred to a psych doc for follow up and frankly that saved my life.  I can't say I've used the past 8 years well because a battle with anxiety did take over most of my life and I call it a selfish condition.  Worrying about others becomes distant because you're too busy worrying about yourself all the time.  This was out of character for me so I knew I had to get better and become myself again.  That said, anxiety is tough, tough, tough, but I'm better than I was last year, and much better than I was two years ago., etc., etc., etc.  My point; make suicide a non-option because there are many options to getting better and it starts by seeing a doctor.  Take notes with you and clearly describe your symptoms.  Take charge of this condition with the conviction you started your business with or treat anxiety as an axis power and you're going to prepare and do everything possible to hit the D-Day beaches and come out victorious.
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  • Posted

    Thank you all for your replies.

    I feel like as if I have been tapped on my shoulders by your helpful words. It feels good. 

    You guys are right. I think I do need some medicines since I am still living this life. I need something that relief my mental pains but do not turn me into a robot at the same time. I will still need to do my daily necessities. Any such medice that someone could advice me?

    Thank you

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    • Posted

      Ali, I almost think I have known you some time so I think I can speak plainly to you.

      When it comes to advice we on this forum can and will try and support you with general advice taken from our own life experiences concerning how to cope with anxiety problems, because many of us have suffered from similar difficulties to you. 

      However what we cannot and should not do is to advise you about which medications you should be taking, as this is something that only your own doctor should be doing, after all he/she knows what  physical condition you are in at any given time.

      As I see it you have nothing at all to lose and everything to gain by seeking a consultation with your GP.

      If you feel that you don't receive the medical support that you need from your own GP then change to one that that suits you better.

      After all this is your life that we are talking about and it is important.

      So why not take the bull by the horns and do it?


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  • Posted

    Killing yourself is never the only option! Please put this thought out of your head. 

    You have started a new venture, which you want to succeed. To do that, you need to think positive thoughts. Regularly thinking certain thoughts helps make it a habit. And much better to have a positive habit than a negative one. 

    Try identifying things that you want out of this business - this will give you something tangible to aim for. 

    Regarding worrying about what people think - it's a tough one to take on board - but many people like a success story... however a number of people don't. This is usually because they are jealous that someone else has succeeded where they themselves have failed. 

    Don't let someone hold you back because you are worried about what they think of you. Stand in front of the mirror every morning and tell yourself three things you like about yourself. Feel more confident in yourself and you will reflect this in your body language and how you interact with other people. People will pick up on these subtle signs. 

    I can't stress how important it is to think POSITIVELY. If you tell yourself you are going to fail, you will fail.... So instead tell yourself that this is going to be a success. If you constantly take positive steps you will get there eventually. 

    Good luck. 

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