Missing her

Posted , 4 users are following.

I would consider myself a strong individual, though I've made plenty mistakes in life and then some. I met my ex about 8 years ago. 6 years ago we got married. 6 months ago we separated. I've had depression and anxiety and mood disorders all my life, but I have been better than most in dealing with all these disorders. Anxiety no longer controls me. Depression is for someone else. Realism and logic are helping with mood swings. 

But I miss my ex. We are still technically married. We'll be filing for divorce soon. We are not enemies. She promised to be close and friendly, but at the worst possible time for me, she flaked. Not on purpose, but it is what it is. She seems to be over me and our family (no kids, just dog). We shared so much. We were so close. So close that we couldn't call each other by our names. We had nicknames for each other. She, dog, myself and the open road. Endless trips to nature and all around. Never cared about someone as much as I cared about her. She did too, but something happened in the last 4 years that completely broke me (unrelated to the marriage). And I was laid off twice. And just when things started to get to back to normal, I got a great great job, started getting physically healthy, was ready for anything and everything, she shutdown and eventually wanted to leave. I let her go, but I have been dying ever since. I miss her more than I can cope with. I was angry at her for a while and that was my coping mechanism. Now, she is coming back (she was visiting her family in another country), I am feeling so sad that I simply don't know how to build my life without this person in my life. I am very independant and I am not the one to believe in soul mates. But she she is my soulmate and I don't know what to do now. I wish I could find a way to restart the fire in her heart, but I am pretty sure it's late for that. I can't accept that someone who was so close to me, could feel nothing for me within a year. I don't understand women anymore. For a pretty liberal dude, I am more or less old school when it comes to relationships, and I simply don't understand the modern woman. I am sorry, I am just a little sad because it's been a while now and I am not feeling better.        

1 like, 5 replies

Report / Delete

5 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi imnml - first, what an idyllic time you described - open road, endless trips to nature. Wonderful in action, nostalgic in reflection given the outcome. But memories that no-one can take away from either of you. What reason is to be used when applying for divorce? Given that she has broken the arrangement, it is her responsibility to give an explanation and your absolute right to get one. If the relationship is irretrievable from where she stands, there is little you can do about it except bear it with grace and let her go - on those good terms you have already established. The loss (I know) is indescribable and we can lose ourselves over it if we succumb to despair. Give her what she wants. When she has wandered around a bit, she may just realise you are the One. Your grace and dignity now will count - for her, but also (more importantly) for you as you look back on what was and know you conducted yourself as a Gentleman in the face of devastation. It will mean so much later. 

    Do you think a consultation with the doc will help? He/she can prescribe meds to help you through, refer you to any support services to deal with your grief, suggest coping strategies - most importantly, be a place where you can dump the pain. There are five steps in coping with grief - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. You will get through this. We are always here to talk. 

    Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Thanks Wayne. I am totally Ok with everything. I am logical enough. I don't get depression or anxiety or anything for that matter, get to me. I stronger than most people I know. I just really miss her. I miss her like someone would miss their hands or feet if they had them and then suddenly someone taken them away. I wrote her one last letter, being honest, trying to remind her of what we had and what we could have. We were very close and if she is fine with moving on then I just want this pain gone. I don't want to wait 10 years for it to be gone. I am 40 and it only gets tougher from here on. I am just sad inside about her and angry on the outside regarding all modern women. She was different and I don't see ever caring for someone  because most women I know don't deserve what  I did for her. Most women (in LA) simply want things  and don't care about people

      Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    I was married 35 years ago imnml and we had an....interesting...early marriage. A lot of friction. We both brought a lot of emotional freight into the marriage from busted family backgrounds.

    We separated after 2 years of marriage and then lived apart for 2 years. Got back together and then-out of the blue I felt-she filed for divorce on me. We were divorced for 10 years but still good friends and close. When my dad needed home care at my place I hired my ex-wife (she had been laid off the same day I brought Dad home with me! Amazing coincidence) to take care of him during the days and take him to dialysis during the week. We handed off when I got home at night and I took care of Dad at night.

    To make a long story short, after Dad passed away we both recognized that we'd overcome some of our early issues, needed each others help a lot of the time and we eventually got remarried about 6 years ago. We kept separate residences (still) because we still needed the 'space' and figured we'd eventually move in together before my retirement. 

    Anyway, I am 63 today as is my wife. She is my best friend, confidant and love. I don't know what I'd do without her. All of my family has passed away, so really she is my support network. And vice versa. So, I know you're down now and so was I when I was going through that separation/divorce nonsense. But, anything can happen in the future is what I am telling you. You two might even get back together like we did.

    The best thing for you right now is not to hold it against her-because that's good for you and good for your relationship. All of us come out of our families with emotional freight and trying to get over that and build a good marriage is really challenging. Especially when you throw in layoffs, economic issues, work stresses and all the other things we encounter in life. Let go of the anger and that will help you with the depression. Maybe try and just be friends and helpmates for awhile? Meet for lunch once in awhile and who knows?

    And relax, I lived through that kind of stress and you will to. It's not easy, but life goes on. And you both grow. Maybe you'll eventually grow back together? Anything can happen. Good luck.

    Report / Delete Reply

Join this discussion or start a new one?

New discussion Reply

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the forums to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the forums are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the forums is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.

newnav-down newnav-up