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It's the trepidation part that's pis*ing me off. I though I'd be ok and happy with the prospect of moving but it's bringing up a lot of bad feeling and memories. Things which haven't worked out in my life. I'm still going to move and the main idea was to move closer to the Scottish border so I could enrol at the universities up there, so the price of tuition fees would be lower. I've tried and I just can't afford to study near where I am now and I already have a lot of debt from my undergraduate degree. I hate having these thoughts and feel they've just descended on me without any control at all. I've just started seeing someone, a few dates so far but it's looking good. But I've been there a few times now when all was great at first then went down hill later on so I've got my guard up. However nothing at all is making me feel good about the move, but I know it's something i'm going to have to go through, and hopefully once I'm settled these feelings will go away. I think they will, where I'm going is very different to here, the people are nice ,its quiet with loads of countryside around and I've got a decent job lined up which will lead to something better with hope.
Maybe all thats making me feel good is all that making me feel bad! Because there's no reason I couldn't have had what I wanted here really. Even studying for as long as I wanted. I left a lot of things like this because I was in a relationship for most of my twenties, it was abusive towards the end and I left. Only to find, 18 months later, my ex married someone of whom I'd suspected had been interested in him since we met near enough. So I feel I wasted a lot of time. I can make changes and look forward but the feelings don't match this at the moment and I hate not knowing how this is going to affect me.
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