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My husband has always been a high and low person.
We have been together 5 years and married for 18 months. We also have 2 very young children and I have two children from a previous marriage who he also cares for.
Our relationship has always been very volatile. When he's nice he's amazing, when he's not it's horrible.
We always seem to have these massive blows outs which at times he admits he does it for excitement.
We do even after 5 years have a red hot sex life.
He's endured a lot of trauma of late and he's in crisis and admitted to depression. His mother died last year and he's been seeing a counsellor and brought up a lot of unpleasant childhood memories which seems to have clearly affected him as an adult. He also in the summer quit his job and since then has not worked and also come out as being gender dysphoric. This has also caused a massive rift between us as we both struggle with this dynamic. He's currently just started anti depressant and looking to change his counsellor to try CBT.
A year on he keeps talking about suicide.
I do feel for him I do give him the tough love approach at times telling him he's selfish and childish and really I do feel that at times and while he's feeling like this I am really feeling the pressure of being the only adult, which I am trying hard to do but he lashes out a lot at our two young kids, which affects me deeply.
I understand I am meant to be supportive but I am struggling with all this given I have so many responsibilities.
The other day he told me he doesn't know if he loves me anymore and when I really got upset about it all he then just said he doesn't know as he doesn't value his own life and questions his existence and feels numb and isn't well so can't feel love. Thing is he does this whole hot and cold thing a lot and it really messes with my head. I even overheard him talking to his friend the other day saying he wished he didn't get married.
I really don't know what to do anymore.
As I am one person, I am one brain, one pair of hands and one heart.
I want to be there for my husband but I am finding things very hard.
I thought love is strong enough to deal with everything but now he's expressed how he feels about the relationship I do question what it is I am fighting for.
I do feel at time this relationship is toxic and destructive and I don't have the strength anymore.
Anyone experience anything similar and can give me some advice?
I just feel I want some stability.
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