My experience of depression

Posted , 6 users are following.

I have never read an account of depression that I could really relate to so here is my experience of how it feels.

I am detatched from everything, like Im in a bubble. But my bubble knows how to behave as I should be and fools people into believing its my actions, reactions and feelings, but my bubble is doing it for me. Everything is darker, less colourful, and muffled. People talk but Im not interested because I cant hear what they are saying, its just me alone inside my bubble. The inside walls of my Hannah shaped bubble are slightly reflective, so even when I try my hardest to look outside my bubble, I only see distorted faint reflections of myself. Sometimes my bubble mimics emotions that it knows it should show but inside there is a numbness, there is less air and I have no sense of the world around me. Sometimes I try to reach out but I cant feel anything beyond my bubble. I feel to get better me and my bubble need to fuse together I need to slip my hands into the hands of the Hannah bubble like a pair of gloves, and eventually the bubble with melt away. Why am I so disconnected? Where did the bubble come from? The world goes on around me and my bubble bobs around in it, I have no say as to where my bubble is going, Im stuck inside.  It doesn’t matter where it takes me as the world I am experiencing inside the bubble is always the same. At the moment I feel like the membrane of the bubble is getting thicker and thicker and I am getting smaller and smaller inside it. I can see how much better the world is outside my bubble, I desperately want to be part of it but sometimes I get tired and give up trying to slip my hands and body into that of my bubble, I stay deep within it until I feel strong enough to try again.

 

 I would call it Numbness rather than Depression, if only it was easy enough to put such a concise and emotive word to it, I think the title of depression is inaccurate and belittles the illness. 

2 likes, 7 replies

Report / Delete

7 Replies

  • Posted

    HI Hannah detatchment and numbness is common in depression and I have experienced what you are.  I still do but not all the time now - sometimes my emotions are real.   I think it is your mind protecting you from things you can't deal with or maybe face yet.  

    Other people call it putting their mask on or their face to deal with the world.  I think this is very similiar.   I find the worst thing about the bubble is the silence and I have had times where I can be walking but can't hear anything - no traffic noise,  nothing outside at all.  This is scary.  Everything is muffled,  foggy and unreal.  

    I think counselling could help you to break it - the right kind though.   Sometimes a bubble is nice and comforting though......but not all the time.

    Bev x

     

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Your not alone with these feelings x
    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Very well described, I have been blaming SSRI's for this constant robot life! What can we do to get out of this? I can't cry or laugh or anything else in between 😁😳 all rather strange.
    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Hi Hannah

    i sometimes feel that I'm looking through a plate glass with me on one side and the friends on the other.   Very happy, cheerful people have the effect of making me more detached as they area om or Al and make me aware of the fact that I'm not part of the group. People tell me I look well but I'm just going through the motions.  A friend asked, what gave me joy andI had to answer "nothing".  

    I do get a bit better in the evenings and then it all starts again.  I get especially detached whenI hear people talking about holidays.  I have weak leg muscles and have trouble walking and don't see me going on any exotic holidays again.

    everything is an effort, even washing my hair.  I listen to people making plans and it means nothing to me. There seems to be no end to it.  I feel as if I'm wading through treacle.

     

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Hello.  What you describe is how I felt when I first got depression.  That was 30 years ago.  It takes everything away from us, and like you say, makes us feel as if we are in a bubble, detached from the real world. 

    I hated myself a lot of the time, and withdrew from society.

    Over the years I have learned to cope with it better, but I still feel very alone in this illness.  I battle on.

    Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Hi Anne that absolutely describes me as well.  I have suffered from depression since childhood but have managed to have some sort of a life though I have had to avoid some of the things in life others take for granted for my own self preservation.

      I also cope with it better and I am fairly sure I will not now commit suicide but I do long for my natural end to come so I can be free of it.   I want peace. 

      Bev x

      Report / Delete Reply

Join this discussion or start a new one?

New discussion Reply

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the forums to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the forums are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the forums is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.

newnav-down newnav-up