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I have never read an account of depression that I could really relate to so here is my experience of how it feels.
I am detatched from everything, like Im in a bubble. But my bubble knows how to behave as I should be and fools people into believing its my actions, reactions and feelings, but my bubble is doing it for me. Everything is darker, less colourful, and muffled. People talk but Im not interested because I cant hear what they are saying, its just me alone inside my bubble. The inside walls of my Hannah shaped bubble are slightly reflective, so even when I try my hardest to look outside my bubble, I only see distorted faint reflections of myself. Sometimes my bubble mimics emotions that it knows it should show but inside there is a numbness, there is less air and I have no sense of the world around me. Sometimes I try to reach out but I cant feel anything beyond my bubble. I feel to get better me and my bubble need to fuse together I need to slip my hands into the hands of the Hannah bubble like a pair of gloves, and eventually the bubble with melt away. Why am I so disconnected? Where did the bubble come from? The world goes on around me and my bubble bobs around in it, I have no say as to where my bubble is going, Im stuck inside. It doesn’t matter where it takes me as the world I am experiencing inside the bubble is always the same. At the moment I feel like the membrane of the bubble is getting thicker and thicker and I am getting smaller and smaller inside it. I can see how much better the world is outside my bubble, I desperately want to be part of it but sometimes I get tired and give up trying to slip my hands and body into that of my bubble, I stay deep within it until I feel strong enough to try again.
I would call it Numbness rather than Depression, if only it was easy enough to put such a concise and emotive word to it, I think the title of depression is inaccurate and belittles the illness.
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