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Hello everyone i am 23 years old and have a very ruff ubbringing my father passed away when i was 12 years old and i was suddenly thrust into a world of fear and pain as my mother is mentally handicapped with many mental problems such as autism, biploa disorder, manic depression, learning difficulties etc and so me at the age of 12 had to basically take on the responsbilities of the house. My brothers both older also have mental handicaps simon left both leaving when i was 12 simon went to boarding school as he was severely mentally challenged and matthew left the house and moved away. My sister and me were reponsible for many things.. my sister was 9 so i took on as much as i could at that time, my family lived far away so we got very little help and my abuses and bullying happened to me for many many years which emotionally and physically broke me.
I developed many mental issues things such as social and regular anxiety which plagued me right through to my late teens, also regular anxiety where i was constantly on edge and tense. We moved into Devon and away from the people abusing and bullying us and my mums family stepped in but by then the damage was done, we are all still struggling with the expereinces we had and i am very damaged from the experiences. It brings me great relief to talk about my anxiety and fears here i have never tried this before and until recently was completely in denail about anything being wrong with me.. i wanted to be strong for my mum as she mentally handicapped but now i can finally admit it to myself as i plan soon to get a job and leave home to grow up.
My anxiety has prevented me making friends in both school and other situations, it was so bad before that i could only spend an hour in a pub or social event before needing a 15 minute walk to relax some what. I would always leave without telling anyone and it even affected my relationships, i was always thinking of the worse case scenarios and therefore it would create too much tension and either it would break up as they couldnt stand how insecure i was or i was so untrustworthy i would be fearful and end it, i have had recent breakthroughs though with both my anxiety and being able to cope after i took on meditation to help and also give more space to other people now in relationships as to prevent tension or panic.
I havent ever been able to hold down anything with social situations tied to them, college i quit, jobs.. even travelling around the world. It would make me so stressed and anxious eventually i could only take so much and would come back eventually to live with my mum who is ofcourse mentally handicapped which would actually make things worse and so the vicuous circle would continue. I have spent 8 months in Australia, 4 in africa, 3 in france mountains and also 1 in hong kong, china. i have not let my anxiety get in the way as mediation really had been massively helpful to allow me to control my thoughts and my life but still i am massively plagued with panic attacks and anxiety attacks, sometimes i can be not worrying about anything and then a panic attack hits me i usually breath slow and feel like i will die or have a heart attack but my logical mind is like just breath, stop being dramatic!
I am so ashamed that i have been on benefits so often and i am so ashamed i havent been able to stick a job or stick college or even have the chance to go to university, but my anxiety is too great. i am now doing Open University which is a massive help but my OCD is still such a huge problem in my life i get so anxious and paniky and stress all the time so its not very helpful really. I am overcoming the problems through facing my fears and really trying to grab the bull by the horns, but i feel so embarrased and ashamed to talk to my relatives who still ostracize me for my many failures mainly not being able to hold down a stable job. i no longer get social anxiety as i have learned to overcome it, sometimes... but my work anxiety is so bad i sit around for hours before work or the opportunity to work thinking of all the worst things that could happen, what if my alarm doesnt go off, what if i dont like the people i work with, what if i arrive late, what if i dont have the energy to work hard and my boss tells me off or fires me, what if they fire me it will looks so bad on my c.v! I am so tense right now but this is a massive relief writing this article, for the first time since my father dying i can finally stop worrying about my disabled mother and start focusing on myself to bring about better wellbeing in my life, i am like alphabet sphagetti, i am all over the place! I really want to suceed in a new job and adult life, i want to overcome my OCD, fears and most of all my cripling anxieties, if you have any advice please feel free to tell me, i am getting a check up from the doctor tomorrow after i realised a councilor just isnt what i need, i need someone not to talk to about my past but some advice on how to cope in the present, thanks again, martin!
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