My experiences of anxiety

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Hello everyone i am 23 years old and have a very ruff ubbringing my father passed away when i was 12 years old and i was suddenly thrust into a world of fear and pain as my mother is mentally handicapped with many mental problems such as autism, biploa disorder, manic depression, learning difficulties etc and so me at the age of 12 had to basically take on the responsbilities of the house. My brothers both older also have mental handicaps simon left both leaving when i was 12 simon went to boarding school as he was severely mentally challenged and matthew left the house and moved away. My sister and me were reponsible for many things.. my sister was 9 so i took on as much as i could at that time, my family lived far away so we got very little help and my abuses and bullying happened to me for many many years which emotionally and physically broke me.

I developed many mental issues things such as social and regular anxiety which plagued me right through to my late teens, also regular anxiety where i was constantly on edge and tense. We moved into Devon and away from the people abusing and bullying us and my mums family stepped in but by then the damage was done, we are all still struggling with the expereinces we had and i am very damaged from the experiences. It brings me great relief to talk about my anxiety and fears here i have never tried this before and until recently was completely in denail about anything being wrong with me.. i wanted to be strong for my mum as she mentally handicapped but now i can finally admit it to myself as i plan soon to get a job and leave home to grow up.

My anxiety has prevented me making friends in both school and other situations, it was so bad before that i could only spend an hour in a pub or social event before needing a 15 minute walk to relax some what. I would always leave without telling anyone and it even affected my relationships, i was always thinking of the worse case scenarios and therefore it would create too much tension and either it would break up as they couldnt stand how insecure i was or  i was so untrustworthy i would be fearful and end it, i have had recent breakthroughs though with both my anxiety and being able to cope after i took on meditation to help and also give more space to other people now in relationships as to prevent tension or panic.

I havent ever been able to hold down anything with social situations tied to them, college i quit, jobs.. even travelling around the world. It would make me so stressed and anxious eventually i could only take so much and would come back eventually to live with my mum who is ofcourse mentally handicapped which would actually make things worse and so the vicuous circle would continue. I have spent 8 months in Australia, 4 in africa, 3 in france mountains and also 1 in hong kong, china. i have not let my anxiety get in the way as mediation really had been massively helpful to allow me to control my thoughts and my life but still i am massively plagued with panic attacks and anxiety attacks, sometimes i can be not worrying about anything and then a panic attack hits me i usually breath slow and feel like i will die or have a heart attack but my logical mind is like just breath, stop being dramatic! 

I am so ashamed that i have been on benefits so often and i am so ashamed i havent been able to stick a job or stick college or even have the chance to go to university, but my anxiety is too great. i am now doing Open University which is a massive help but my OCD is still such a huge problem in my life i get so anxious and paniky and stress all the time so its not very helpful really. I am overcoming the problems through facing my fears and really trying to grab the bull by the horns, but i feel so embarrased and ashamed to talk to my relatives who still ostracize me for my many failures mainly not being able to hold down a stable job. i no longer get social anxiety as i have learned to overcome it, sometimes... but my work anxiety is so bad i sit around for hours before work or the opportunity to work thinking of all the worst things that could happen, what if my alarm doesnt go off, what if i dont like the people i work with, what if i arrive late, what if i dont have the energy to work hard and my boss tells me off or fires me, what if they fire me it will looks so bad on my c.v! I am so tense right now but this is a massive relief writing this article, for the first time since my father dying i can finally stop worrying about my disabled mother and start focusing on myself to bring about better wellbeing in my life, i am like alphabet sphagetti, i am all over the place! I really want to suceed in a new job and adult life, i want to overcome my OCD, fears and most of all my cripling anxieties, if you have any advice please feel free to tell me, i am getting a check up from the doctor tomorrow after i realised a councilor just isnt what i need, i need someone not to talk to about my past but some advice on how to cope in the present, thanks again, martin!

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  • Posted

    You are doing brilliantly and right now I suggest you write, get all your anger, pain, frustration down on a blog or paper or something. And everyday just update this to let me know how it's going. Relax and write, it's your first step on the long journey out of the dark. Peace and love

    David

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    • Posted

      Thank goodness! I feel so angry all the time i feel so ashmaed of myself, i feel like my father would be ashamed, i feel like even though i pretend i am ok to prevent people worrying about me i feel like i am loosing my mind, i feel like i am going insane. i heard once that a man where i lived constantly thought he had many problems and my mother and her friends were mean behind his back how he always though something new was wrong with him, i know theres a word for it when you think you have every problem under the sun but i dont remember but as a child i have always had this as one of my greatest fears that if something is wrong with me.. i cant have too much wrong with me otherwise people will take the mick out of me. i feel like i have something wrong with me, i dont know what for a long time i thought it was aspergers and i went to get tested and the doctors and he almost laughed as i had so little wrong with me in that regard it was funny to him, but i am or was stubborn and thought for many years i did as my mum and brothers do and its genetic. another great fear of mine is passing on my mental problems to my future children, my mum passed on hers to my brothers and perhaps me and i am worried its in my blood and that they will get them.. and my recessive ginger gene, both my brothers are ginger and i and my sister are blonde or brown. this worried me to no end i have considered even adoption as a mesaure to tackle this, i DONT want my children to suffer the way i have and if it means not passing down these bloody stupid genes so be it, my father also had diabetes before he died type 2.. so damn useless genes i feel. i also worry about being gay. i am not as i tried once with my mates on a drunken night out kissing a man for fun and it felt, physically emtional and emntally wrong i didnt enjoy it and felt sick i am attractive in honesty and many women are attracted to me due to my personality and the fact i have traveled around the world and i have girlfriends often but its like one of my greatest fears. another of my gretest fears is that i will have to become a monk in some dumb temple away from all the people i love and care about as i am so how not able to cope in real life and will therefore need to reatreat from it.. or from humanity and stuff. another of my massive fears is nuclear war.. i know right how many fears do i have, answer is ALOT! i have once even planned countries to live in case there was a nuclear disaster that could occur i feel so stupid saying it out loud now, i havent told noone till now. its so nice to talk to other people who ahve been going through the same things as me. so yea i planned on the map which places i thought would be least affected so i could settle down and be away from the fears of the nuclear war. another fear is job as i mentioned this fear is by far the worst, it literally makes me freeze right now when i think of it, dread! my relatives have been sooo horrible to me about this and so i am so ashamed and think that my mum is so ashamed of my also. i have quit many good jobs due to anxiety, life guard, working in a call centre, working on a ski resort (this was before i realised there was a problem as i was 19 at the time and hadnt a clue about life). sorry this is long! another fear is not finding a women who i love and being stuck to marrying someone i dont love, like i think my mother and father stopped loving eachother as my mum is disabled and my father still stuck by her for us perhaps ebfore he died and so this worried me to now end. another of my fears is being stuck with living with my mum and claiming benefits all my life as my efars literally paralize me about work... ughhh that feels good to get them out, i really look forward to an answer!
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    • Posted

      Another one is i plan to move to live in Japan this year or the far east to teach english and live there and settle for perhaps the rest of my life, my great far is i will not be able to stay as i will panic or the work there will make me quit and then i will run out of money and be stuck there or i will not be able to find work and will eventually have to return back to my mums
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    • Posted

      another one is i was sexually assulted as a child and i read people that get that happen to them go on to do it to others or it some how affects there brain or mindframe and that if i ever did that i would be ashamed and the person would not be my friend or talk to me anymore for obvious reasons, i wont its just a great fear of mine! wow getting this of my chest after what 10 years or so is incredibly good feeling! hope i am not annoying other folks or clogging up this page with these posts :3

       

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    • Posted

      Martin,

      slow down and breath, you need to start a journal for this, a word document, "picture it as writting your story" it's basically writting therapy but don't let it consume you. What you are doing now is unloading which is perfectly natural after so many years of holding all your problems in. By unloading on paper you get it out of your mind so you can think clearer. Once you have started this not only will it ease your anxiety it will start to show you what is really bothering you, it may show as repeatative statements. You also need calm, the writing may become frantic but every half hour take a break, have a cup of tea, move and breath, then when you go back start writing on a fresh piece of paper don't reread what you have done. I hope this makes sense and I would advice you to speak to your GP about your anxiety 

      keep in touch my friend, I am here to try to help

      David

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    • Posted

      i have just spent a while writting it all down, its funny there were so many memories that almost engulfed me i had basically forgot. i feel slightly better now, i have found some good ways to deal with anixety the chief among them being meditation, i am however still very unhappy at times but i am sure with help from great people like yourself on the forum and also trying to be fit and active i can lessen the strain of these problems. thanks so much!
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    • Posted

      Martin,

      You got some of it out of your system tonight, now go meditate and relax tonight. Tomorrow you do more writing and meditation. If you know meditation you know it is not about the doing but just doing.

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    • Posted

      amazing news i went to the doctor today and she told me that i had no mental conditions but i basically i have immitated alot of what my mother has due to learning her coping strategies from a young age as i mentioned before my mum and brothers have alot of mental handicaps. i am so happy to say that there is nothing wrong with me, i only have to work on my triggers and also learn coping strategies she said. What kind of coping strategies would you recommend for anxiety and fear?
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    • Posted

      'You are doing brilliantly and right now I suggest you write, get all your anger, pain, frustration down on a blog or paper or something. And everyday just update this to let me know how it's going. Relax and write, it's your first step on the long journey out of the dark. ' i have got alot of my chest. what is the next step to 'the long journey out of the dark'? = )
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