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For years I've been in constant pursuit of happiness and I've always fallen short. It has led to a string of bad decisions. I cant seem to find contentment. Im very lucky compared to a lot of other people and feeling this way just compounds my s****y disposition - I feel selfish and ungrateful. People seem to think highly of me until they get to know me better and realize what a complete f**k up I am. Gradually Ive withdrawn from meeting people. Now it just seems like a chore. It affects my personal and professional relationships to a point where I just feel they're better off without me - I always end up with this conclusion. Ive been pursuing happiness since I can remember and in that pursuit I've made so many bad decisions. I just cant seem to get it right. Now Im just tired. I want this to end. I have fatalistic thoughts that I'd just die and be done with it. Im not suicidal, but disappearing forever seems like a good idea.
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