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My relationship breakdown has put me into severe depression and I'm really struggling.

Posted , 6 users are following.

jonathan87157
jonathan87157

Hello everyone.

I'm Jonathan, I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 and BPD 4 years ago whilst with my ex partner. At the end of October my ex partner left me after 6 and a half years due to our relationship being toxic and volatile. The relationship was not healthy for either of us, constantly fighting, arguing, insulting, lies, cheating, and in the end she called it a day. When this happened though I lost everything. My life, my family although I still see my 3 kids, security, my home, everything.

I love this woman so much and in November i found out she slept with another man, which made me become unstable and I attempted suicide putting my self in hospital, seconds from death and then after coming round, into a psychiatric ward for a week. Since this I have broke down everyday, I constantly think about her, want her,I am truly heart broken

This weekend she has her new man staying over in my old family home with her, my old Bed, with my children there and it is eating me alive. I can't stop thinking about it, knowing what is happening between them physically, emotionally and that someone now has what I want so much. Its eating me up and pushing me lower and lower.

Every day I feel empty, heartbroken, guilty and so lonely. She has spoken to me and said she cannot give me what i want in a relationship and never will be able to and has told me she wants me to move on and find someone to make me happy.

I'm currently spending some time with a new woman but I just feel like s**t. Guilty as sin on my ex. Like everything is just too much to handle emotionally and I just need some help, someone who could shed light on what is happening to me.

Is it depression, is it heartbreak, is it something else?

Has anyone experienced this?

I take a mood stabilizer and anti depressant and have support from my cpn and counsellor but I need someone who has had real life experience with this?

Someone please talk to me

1 like, 7 replies

7 Replies

  • Lilly10
    Lilly10 jonathan87157

    Posted

    Is a bad heart break and its causing u to have depression. I went through this. Its only time that will heal you. But try to go to a good church where you can find support. Now that im part of a church i pray everuday im much better. God healed me from low self esteem and rejection. Im pretty sure you suffer from other issues like rejection. God can make u whole! Ifcu need more support let me know. I can send u some videos about how to heal and to love who u are
  • Adldiane
    Adldiane jonathan87157

    Posted

    Hello Jonothan. What I hear at the deepest level is grief, guilt and just beating yourself to death. As long as you blame yourself you may at some level think that you can get her back. 

    Break ups are back..some worse than others. I went through a divorce after a 28 year marriage and was it insane. Yes. But I had spent years trying to make sure that that marriage worked and I just knew that if I worked hard enough on "me" that I could save the marriage. Wrong! 

    But by the time I filed for divorce I was ready emotionally for me..but not for what it did to my children and they were in college. 

    I wonder if the first thing that you don't need is grief counseling and fast!! Fast! And maybe individual therapy. Your children do not need more instability and neither do you. Please keep writing is here you will find kind and caring people here who have hurt as you hurt. Diane

  • jonathan87157
    jonathan87157

    Posted

    Hi. Thankyou for your replies so far. It is bad. I am suffering on an extreme level. I ended up in the emergency room at 2am this morning believing I was having a heart attack. It was crucifying was the pain to find out it was anxiety attacks. The doctors have increased my antidepressants and given diazepam for the anxiety for the next 2 weeks.

    I came out of hospital and just found myself pining for her. Begging, pleading with her to leave this new guy and take me back.

    I need to stop doing it as it is killing me more Everytime but something just won't let me stop. We have children together so I can't just walk away, I'm trying my best to just have contact for the children.

    I'm receiving counselling from tomorrow for 8 weeks about the split so I'm hoping that this combined with the medication will help a lot.

    Im just sick of the pain, sick of going through this, day after day, night after night. Never being able to stop thinking about her and what she is doing and now who she is with. I've seen the person now who she is with. I saw then together in a pic and they look so happy. I broke me even more

    • wayne1962
      wayne1962 jonathan87157

      Posted

      Hi Jonathan - sorry to read of your situation. You are doing the right thing in reaching out and seeking help. Our minds can be our own worst enemy, constantly mulling over the same issues as if thinking them to exhaustion will somehow change things. This journey will take time and the focus should be on you.
  • Adldiane
    Adldiane jonathan87157

    Posted

    Hello Jonothan. Sounds like you are grieving grieving grieving! So sad for you. God that you are starting counseling. Diane. 
  • amy_57955
    amy_57955 jonathan87157

    Posted

    Jonathon,

    I can so relate. Yes this is heartbreak which brings on temporary depression, but know it can be cured.  Time helps, but seeking therapy is an immediate need for you if you almost took you life.   Glad you are getting help  there.   Another tip is to understand "your thoughts determine how you feel".  And there is no doubt about it so if you can practice changing your thoughts, you will start feeling relief.   Catch yourself obsessing with your thoughts about her.  Then say STOP, even put a rubber band around your wrist and pop your wrist when you catch yourself.   Use every trick in the book to think about anything but your broken relationship as often as possible.    I use audio books at night for bed time stories to take me away from depressing times.  Make yourself exercise - it produces serotonin, the happy chemical in your brain.  Get out with friends , even though depression is keeping you from wanting to .   There's a Calm app that will help with meditation, breathing and relaxation.    Google tips on how to deal with depression and do them all!  

    Your children need you and your feeling of despair will end at some point. Curious if this is the very first time you have had a broken heart?   

    I suffered from many anxiety attacks so I know how that feels too.  It's awful and scary feeling.  But it goes away when you stop those negative thoughts, breath and relax.  Don't fall into the fear of the anxiety.   And most importantly  pray!

     

    • jonathan87157
      jonathan87157 amy_57955

      Posted

      Hi amy

      Yes it is. This is my first ever heartbreak, at 32 years old. Thankyou for your reassurance that it can be cured. The idea of a band on my wrist is an idea that I will definitely try. Unfortunately at the moment I do nothing with my free time. I need to get back into the gym which is something I adore doing. Always have, weight training has always been a good hobby for me.

      I'm trying my best to focus on my kids, I'm now on diazepam to ease the anxiety and pains but I've hurt my neck so it doesnt help matters. Also that I have to see my ex every other day for 5mins still hurts me like hell when handing kids over.

      I am a Catholic, but a bad one. I've not been to church in many years and I've not been to confession in over 20 years. Maybe turning to my faith may help me. That community may make me feel that I'm not alone. It is my birthday on Sunday and I am going out with some friends for it. I don't drink but I'm hoping to just have a nice time with friends, not even thinking of attempting to meet anyone while I'm out. I've have many rebounds since my ex which isn't fair on me or them and it needs to stop. I bought a mindfulness app on my phone which is amazing but I always seem too tired to do it at night time.

      I'm now receiving counselling, and also alot of input from my psychiatric nurse with medication alongside it. Just increased and added diazepam as attempting to take my life again is not an option. I don't want to go there again as I know I'll be successful next time. My family don't need that.

      I just want the pain gone. I understand it takes time but I'm not patient.

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