My Wife seems to despise me, yet I haven't changed much.

Please excuse the few typos. I thought that I would have the chance at editing....

Dear Keith

I know I will appreciated you if I was in her shoes however perhaps you need to maybe get a job and show her how the household is gonna be with out you. There is a few men out there that won’t clean or do the things you do. My husband cooks every day he work 13 hours a day and I appreciate every minute of it. 

Maybe when she realized you have a outside job maybe she will change her mind of how she treats you. Good luck 

Hi Kieth.. sorry to hear of your issues.  You do not say what age she is... im amusing that you  think it is peri menopause related.  I will say this.. if she is going through peri.. it will explain a lot.  Constantly feeling overwhelmed and having very low energy levels and motivation are classic at this time along with another 60 or symptoms that i wont go into :0 As for the hating you one minute and fine the next.. i can relate to that as trust me at  this time of life it really does have a nasty effect on all the chemicals in your brain and hormones change from one hour to the next. I times i have found myself hating my husband  and wanting to walk out.. for no reason, or for something so small that before all this i wouldnt of given it a second thought.  Peri is a living nightmare at times , and trust me that is not me just exaggerating. You feel like a total crazy person and the constant physical and mental symptoms  grind you to a point where you feel you just cant go on. Ive seen supper confident women at the very top of their field reduce to gibbering wrecks that could barely function without the aid of either drink or drugs of some kind.

So i would not take it personally.. i doubt its about you, more about her. Give her space and just keep your head down. Maybe a good time for you to find yourself and interests that you can do that dont take you away from home too much but give you something to turn to help through this rough time.

This age changes us all especially women. She seems to be lacking as I was in some possible minerals, vitamins or hormones. My hormones have tested good twice so that’s not it.   Health and feeling good (not even great just good) matters. At 45, I noticed a blah and something was fading.   4 years later at 49, my issues were medically diagnosed. Malabsorption from food allergies, especially gluten were robbing my body of b12, D3. Magnesium Theornate helped my spouse and I immensely.  I stayed at home for 12 years before going back to work part-time when my second daughter was thriving in school so I know how essential you are to the home. Also, I know my husband has a very stressful job he wants to leave but can’t.  He makes twice what I do an hour and he’s salary as I’m sure your wife is. I can’t tell you how unappreciated I have felt through the years but he expresses the same.  If he had made me feel more special I know our marriage would be thriving vs surviving.  He acted as if there was another women on the cornerbtontake my place. He had an affair but I caught them before intercourse.  He was always looking at the next better sexual encounter it seemed and I am a very attractive, intelligent woman so that is mind boggling but it happens all the time. 

Now that he has numerous surgeries and is not the catch he once was, I’m suddenly good enough. Yes, I’ve almost left numerous time but it would crush my daughters as he’s an awesome dad. If I didn’t still love him and have favoulus  memories with him and our girls, I would walk.  The sex has remained off the charts through our 27 years together and I know that is the glue for most marriages.  We are still working through a ton of emotional issues and as I look at both of our parents they seem be as well even into their 70’s. 

Often, I think I missed out on not finishing college and choosing career over family but I see so many unhappy career women, divorced, and children lost emotionally from the choices their parents made. 

Make you two the priority and if you’ve tried. Keep trying .  Staying married for 24 years is a challenge and we have not had an easy row to hoe.   The rewards is our girls are excelling at college and high school and have numerous friends. I was determined to give them the chance I never had.  Can you go back to your first dating spot? I created  a dating music playlist and try to play it often. Attempt to create what brought you together. It is very easy to fall into a routine of making the kids first, always. We should’ve dated more often but funds were sparse.  We can be on the same room with someone and not be present. That is huge in our society.  Humans crave interaction and emotional intelligence is key to any successful relationship. No matter how successful one is professionally. Humans do take each other for granted and we have to fight that daily.   Tell each other you really matter. Leave live notes. A flower in her car. It really does matter. Yes, it takes effort but pays dividends. 

I read an article that 40-60 is a very tough time in most people’s lives. Marriage dissolve at a high %,  health starts to fail, parents get sick and die all while the kids are emptying the nest at the same time.  Our enzymes and a host of other functions start declining so we have to regroup and see if their are changes we can make to get better health.  So many changes at one time all the while every one still needs your undivided attention.  She may need a she-shed. I know I would with no no other estrogen in the house!! Good luck!! Let me know if anything worked or if you find answer I haven’t yet!! 😉

Hi Kieth, my heart goes out to you on this, but believe me, this thing can sneak up on you, without you even realising what's happening to you, until you start to get really obvious symptoms. I have had isolated symptoms for at least 10 years, and as the dots were not joined, I have been diagnosed with all sorts of ailments. Thankfully, I have a partner and 3 sons, who frankly are all bloody saints to put up with me. Thankfully, my best friend, also happens to be my Dr so when the major symptoms started, he came out to see me, took one look, and said, high risk or not, you are going on HRT, which has helped a lot, but I admit I am a nightmare on two legs some days. I see fault in everyone when no fault is there, and I am not satisfied with anything they say or do, no matter what it is, and I can't control it. I then spend a day crying uncontrollably, for all the rotten things I've said to them. I love them dearly, and its because they know this, that they put up with me, as they love me just as much. I hear a lot of love in what you say about your wife and family. Try approaching the subject gently, when you are both in a good mood. Get her to go to the well woman clinic and get her hormones checked. If she is aggressive or angry it could be that her main hormones are going down but her testosterone is remaining normal. Yes we do have a low level of testosterone. She may be feeling empty nest syndrome, although you have 3 young children, the fact that she has reached the stage where she can't have any more, makes her feel less of a woman, and she is confused and testing you to see how far you will tolerate what's happening. Buy her some flowers, get a sitter and take her out for a nice meal somewhere, show her that you don't think any less of her because she may feel she is losing you, and you know what they say, attack is the best form of defence. She can't control what is happening to her and that feeling, that something is happening to you and you can't do anything about it, is very scary. Then you get a low opinion of yourself on top, so you begin to behave differently. I have lost my hair, so my partner and sons help me choose style and colour of my wigs. My sons help me find a good tattoo shop, as I also have no eyebrows. They help choose what clothes suit me better as my shape has radically changed due to this, and a lot of my symptoms they endure with good humour, which makes it easier for me to deal with. But this only comes about with good communication between us all, there is no magic wand. First you have to find out exactly what is going on and then plan how you are going to deal with it, and I see the desperation in your words, you are clearly a loving, supportive man, who wants to help her through this. But she is not a mind reader so tell her that you want to help her through it, she may feel and behave differently when she realises you are a friend, not the enemy. Hang in there. Here if you need me and if there is anything else you need help with, that you don't want to publicly discuss, you can pm me anytime. X

One article I read stated menopause throws you back into teenage behavior because the hormones are fluctuating so often.  Estrogen urges women to reproduce, nuture and care but that chemical is leaving the body.

It’s a time for women to pamper themselves if they don’t have that person in their lives. Buy yourself flowers, Scedule weekly massages and facials. I don’t have that budget but I can guy  myself flowers like the ones I bought for $10 at cost to put in my crystal flowers.  They reminded me of my grandmother who I miss so dearly.  I’m tired of waiting for people to give me what I need so I go buy it for myself. 

Another article stated we get more real. No filter. I’ve really gotta work on that as I’m too real most people anyway.   That’s where the critical outburst kick in. I think the estrogen dips and the filter is gone.

 Being a stay at home provider is the most thankless job and has been for centuries.  Treating each other with extra sensitivity is needed during this hormonal transition but I don’t know how many are receiving it. 

Hi Keith - It sounds like you do alot at home to contribute. I am glad to see a guy writing on here to share his side of things. I wish my hubby would get on here to look at other womens' posts for some third-party validation to see its not just me with all these crazy symptoms.

Maybe from reading some of them, you will see that your wife isn't the only one. But this stage can definately make a person change! Hang in there and keep the lines of communication open with how you feel. Start statements with I feel, or I would like, etc. versus, You always or You never ... And always fight fair. I came home one day to hear the neighbors screaming expletives at each other, in front of the whole street, and their children. I told my kiddo to stay in the car until I knew it was safe to get out because you never know what people are going to do in those situations. I told him everyone fights sometimes, but it's important to fight fair, and not talk to or treat each other in that manner, especially in front of the kids, and what they were doing was totally inappropriate. 

Now, maybe you can help me with a problem Keith from your male perspective. My hubby and I are very happy together. But he worried me when he said he actually thought about leaving because he's been having problems with either ED or getting there much too fast, leaving me with unfulfilled. Bascially, it's over right after it gets started. I want to be get something out of it too. But after I expressed that I wished it lasted longer than a few seconds, he said he got depressed and thought about leaving because he felt like a failure and would never be able to please me. What to do? It doesn't help that my libido has been incognito, and due to low hormones, have been feeling irritated and itchy down there, and having sex seems to make it worse. So why would I want to have sex, if I get no pleasure out of it, and it's uncomfortable and work for me to put this and that on to feel comfortable afterwards? Also I'd like to say that my hubby is very handsome and in very good shape, so why do I have no libido and no sensation? I've been using dhea cream, which has helped in some ways, but still no libido or sensation.

Thanks for any feedback on this, and any ladies who want to comment as well.