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I've been feeling so bad lately that Ive been thinking doctors help might be useful, but I've never spoken to anyone about my mental health before and I keep convincing myself that my "depression" will eventually go away, anyway that's why Id like some advice. .
I know the cause of it is over thinking, i constantly over analyse everything little thing I do and happens to me, don't have much self confidence, some days i think I have social anxiety as i dont even like walking on a busy road out of fear that everyone is watching me "walking weirdly" or I fear when a man is walking behind me going to stab or attack me, I feel really shy then other days I feel a bit more normal and confident...it's hard to describe like my mood changes so quickly.. I am ok at controlling it, nobody around me has ever noticed it as I'm good at hiding it.
It's affecting my life, I have done things like move to a different town, move to a different country, randomly leave my job and get another one,like always searching for happiness,thinking my surroundings are the cause but really I think I am the cause.. now I m left in a new town, basically alone, I have a friend 1 hour away and my parents but they are getting old so I'm constantly worried about them. Im currently doing a course so I'm around people all day, laughing with them etc but when I'm home I'm by myself always sad thinking about sad things that have happened and worried, asking myself if I will find a job in this new town. My parents are paying my rent for these 3 months (I am 21 years old, never asked money from them before and they offered to pay my 3 months rent whilst I do this course,I can't live with them as the course is too far away) now I'm constantly feeling guilty about them paying my rent, even though they are ok with money.
Another thing might be important to say,I feel like I've been depressed since a child (I used to worry the teachers by sitting in corner of the playground by myself not talking to anyone. , by the way I was bought up in a country foreign to my parents so even if I was born here I always felt different talking my language at home). I had a boyfriend when I was 18 and got so upset if I didn't hear from him even for a few hours I would self harm..sounds silly I know. I self harmed a few times but hAve stopped.
So I keep telling myself to go and see a doctor. , but I'm soo scared of medication and at the same time I do realise i can't live my life like this..
I keep wondering if I've got mild bordeline personality disorder or just depression, maybe both? Has anyone got any experiences or advice? BTW I'm a 21 year old girl
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