Posted , 4 users are following.
I've not been diagnosed with depression and at the risk of self-diagnosing myself, i have nowhere else to go. I've considered speaking to my GP but my surgery takes at least 4 weeks to get an appointment for you.
For the last year, I've suffered from low moods and constant self-critiscing thoughts. I put myself down regularly (to the point where now it's every day). This, started only when I starting at a workplace that was very catty. The employers constantly put their employees down and employees put others down. I suffered from what I think was workplace bullying (something i've never experienced before in my life so had trouble dealing with it) from colleagues who bitched about me, put me down to my manager and told me i was horrible at my job. From there, I would bully myself. I told myself i was stupid and make myself feel guilty for having certain personality traits. I would think back to past memories and become embarrassed, comparing myself to my almost perfect family and friends (in my eyes) who haven't done one embarrassing, cringey or wrong thing in their lives. I would think back to things that I had done wrong or that people got annoyed at me for and feel 100x worse than when it actually happened.
6 months of this and i felt horrible. Although, this was only a dew days a week, i still managed to find joy out of being with my family. Then my grandfather died, suddenly. This instantly made my thoughts and moods worse. I put on a brave face for my father and the rest of my family though. I tried to deal with the pain of my grandfather dying alone while the low moods and bullying thoughts kept coming, more frequently and worse.
I've lost interest in my work. It's a struggle every day to get out of bed. From the moment i wake up the first thought i have s a bad one. Whether it's a self-defeating one, a bad memory cropping up or simply telling myself that it's just going to be the same as any other day.
The reason i don't think i'm depressed and am reluctant to go to the GP is because there are a few hours in the day or sometimes even a couple of days in a row where i am happy. When i'm with my boyfriend or family i still laugh and smile. I don't want to say i'm depressed because I feel like a fake compared to others who are genuinely depressed, every day and have been diagnosed.
I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section but it's all getting a bit too much. the thoughts are getting too much and i'm sick of feeling sad, guilty etc on an almost daily basis. I'm tired of putting myself down all the time but the horrible thing is, i can't seem to stop. I try to tell myself that no one is perfect, that i have a loving family and boyfriend who support me, that not everyone is going to like me, that sometimes my friends will get annoyed at me for something but that doesn't mean they hate me or think badly of me (i've started making myself believe that my friends secreltly hate me and talk badly about me all the time) and that the personality traits that I have are nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing works, in fact i think it makes the thoughts worse.
3 likes, 5 replies
deaver Underdog21
Posted
See your GP, discuss your feelings with them, but know that you can talk here if you want to. It can help.
magnus40841 Underdog21
Posted
Dont use drugs to cure yourself, they f**k you up more, if you dont believe me just read some other posts about other guys who hate the drugs they put themselves on.
I put myself down too, its because I want to change, and you cant change straight away it takes a long time, so you need to let yourself off the hook, you cant change things all at once, we are habitual creatures, and bad habits are hard to get rid of.
eli_bird Underdog21
Posted
deaver eli_bird
Posted
I appreciate that maybe I got lucky with my Doctor and that others do not have the same compassion, but it is usually the first and easiest point of call to ask for help. Specialised services are much harder to contact directly or even find.
Reggie04 Underdog21
Posted
i was bullied by my boss on a daily basis for 6 years!!!! It was'nt until he had picked on me once to often one day that i could'nt take anymore and walked out......
i had'nt realised how unhappy he was making me until a ton weight lifted from me...
i was the hardest worker and i did get the odd compliment from him occasionally which made me feel good". I was frightened of being told off' this i think stems from my early childhood? I bloomed when i was praised", and cried my eyes out and broken hearted when i was told off ? He changed his mind and i think regretted his actions as loyal trustworthy staff are hard to always come by?
i did'nt change mine and was pleased that i stood up for myself when he shouted at me and said untruths to me that my colleagues could'nt stand me? I knew he was lying......
go to the drs my sweet and he or she will be able to help you', please dont suffer......
when i was severely depressed sometimes about once a week i felt better and it might have lasted for 2-4 hours before i felt myself being swallowed up by the depression in a quick sand way? You have alot to deal with for a young one".
please go and seek help and hopefully you will be happy in time like you deserve to be? Good luck hunny x
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