Need somewhere to vent, everything's just piling up.

I've not been diagnosed with depression and at the risk of self-diagnosing myself, i have nowhere else to go. I've considered speaking to my GP but my surgery takes at least 4 weeks to get an appointment for you. 

For the last year, I've suffered from low moods and constant self-critiscing thoughts. I put myself down regularly (to the point where now it's every day). This,  started only when I starting at a workplace that was very catty. The employers constantly put their employees down and employees put others down. I suffered from what I think was workplace bullying (something i've never experienced before in my life so had trouble dealing with it) from colleagues who bitched about me, put me down to my manager and told me i was horrible at my job. From there, I would bully myself. I told myself i was stupid and make myself feel guilty for having certain personality traits. I would think back to past memories and become embarrassed, comparing myself to my almost perfect family and friends (in my eyes) who haven't done one embarrassing, cringey or wrong thing in their lives. I would think back to things that I had done wrong or that people got annoyed at me for and feel 100x worse than when it actually happened. 

6 months of this and i felt horrible. Although, this was only a dew days a week, i still managed to find joy out of being with my family. Then my grandfather died, suddenly. This instantly made my thoughts and moods worse. I put on a brave face for my father and the rest of my family though. I tried to deal with the pain of my grandfather dying alone while the low moods and bullying thoughts kept coming, more frequently and worse. 

I've lost interest in my work. It's a struggle every day to get out of bed. From the moment i wake up the first thought i have s a bad one. Whether it's a self-defeating one, a bad memory cropping up or simply telling myself that it's just going to be the same as any other day. 

The reason i don't think i'm depressed and am reluctant to go to the GP is because there are a few hours in the day or sometimes even a couple of days in a row where i am happy. When i'm with my boyfriend or family i still laugh and smile. I don't want to say i'm depressed because I feel like a fake compared to others who are genuinely depressed, every day and have been diagnosed. 

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section but it's all getting a bit too much. the thoughts are getting too much and i'm sick of feeling sad, guilty etc on an almost daily basis. I'm tired of putting myself down all the time but the horrible thing is, i can't seem to stop. I try to tell myself that no one is perfect, that i have a loving family and boyfriend who support me, that not everyone is going to like me, that sometimes my friends will get annoyed at me for something but that doesn't mean they hate me or think badly of me (i've started making myself believe that my friends secreltly hate me and talk badly about me all the time) and that the personality traits that I have are nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing works, in fact i think it makes the thoughts worse.  

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