Need somewhere to vent, everything's just piling up.

Posted , 4 users are following.

I've not been diagnosed with depression and at the risk of self-diagnosing myself, i have nowhere else to go. I've considered speaking to my GP but my surgery takes at least 4 weeks to get an appointment for you. 

For the last year, I've suffered from low moods and constant self-critiscing thoughts. I put myself down regularly (to the point where now it's every day). This,  started only when I starting at a workplace that was very catty. The employers constantly put their employees down and employees put others down. I suffered from what I think was workplace bullying (something i've never experienced before in my life so had trouble dealing with it) from colleagues who bitched about me, put me down to my manager and told me i was horrible at my job. From there, I would bully myself. I told myself i was stupid and make myself feel guilty for having certain personality traits. I would think back to past memories and become embarrassed, comparing myself to my almost perfect family and friends (in my eyes) who haven't done one embarrassing, cringey or wrong thing in their lives. I would think back to things that I had done wrong or that people got annoyed at me for and feel 100x worse than when it actually happened. 

6 months of this and i felt horrible. Although, this was only a dew days a week, i still managed to find joy out of being with my family. Then my grandfather died, suddenly. This instantly made my thoughts and moods worse. I put on a brave face for my father and the rest of my family though. I tried to deal with the pain of my grandfather dying alone while the low moods and bullying thoughts kept coming, more frequently and worse. 

I've lost interest in my work. It's a struggle every day to get out of bed. From the moment i wake up the first thought i have s a bad one. Whether it's a self-defeating one, a bad memory cropping up or simply telling myself that it's just going to be the same as any other day. 

The reason i don't think i'm depressed and am reluctant to go to the GP is because there are a few hours in the day or sometimes even a couple of days in a row where i am happy. When i'm with my boyfriend or family i still laugh and smile. I don't want to say i'm depressed because I feel like a fake compared to others who are genuinely depressed, every day and have been diagnosed. 

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section but it's all getting a bit too much. the thoughts are getting too much and i'm sick of feeling sad, guilty etc on an almost daily basis. I'm tired of putting myself down all the time but the horrible thing is, i can't seem to stop. I try to tell myself that no one is perfect, that i have a loving family and boyfriend who support me, that not everyone is going to like me, that sometimes my friends will get annoyed at me for something but that doesn't mean they hate me or think badly of me (i've started making myself believe that my friends secreltly hate me and talk badly about me all the time) and that the personality traits that I have are nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing works, in fact i think it makes the thoughts worse. sad 


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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Underdog,  speak to your GP or visit a walk in centre if you have to.  Depression has ups and downs, good days and bad days.  For me the downs are out weighing the ups recently.  I understand where you are coming from.  Employers in general at the moment, seem to want to apply a various amount of bullying, knowing and making it known that they can replace staff quite easily makes us all feel we have to accept it.  I have changed my role within my company to get away from a similar situation.  ~Is that something you could look at doing?  It may not be what you want but is it worth remaining there and feeling the way it makes you feel? Yes you could talk to HR but the situation won't really change in fact it would probably be worse.  If you allow me to quote you "it's all getting a bit too much. the thoughts are getting too much and i'm sick of feeling sad, guilty etc on an almost daily basis. I'm tired of putting myself down all the time but the horrible thing is, i can't seem to stop."  These are classic signs of depression, but you are not alone and can get help.  You have already started by coming here and writing what you have.  Talking can and does help.  i have been clinically depressed for a very long time and found this site only recently.  I can talk openly on here without feeling awkward, knowing that others here understand what I am going through and can offer help, advice and honesty.

    See your GP, discuss your feelings with them, but know that you can talk here if you want to.  It can help.

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  • Posted

    2 points.

    Dont use drugs to cure yourself, they f**k you up more, if you dont believe me just read some other posts about other guys who hate the drugs they put themselves on.

    I put myself down too, its because I want to change, and you cant change straight away it takes a long time, so you need to let yourself off the hook, you cant change things all at once, we are habitual creatures, and bad habits are hard to get rid of.

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  • Posted

    Doctors just dont have time for this as i found out ,I got the courage to finally go and when i sat down his first words where i only have 10 minutes whats the problem ,instantly i wanted to just walk out ,i said to him if you read my notes you will see ive just come out of hospital for atempted suiside oh he said and then tried to look a bit more interested but it was too late,When i left the hospital they gave me a special direct number to the ward ,One night i was really low so i rang it ,what a amazing young man on other side who talked me through it ,soon we were talking normal after 1 hour with no rush he said he wasnt leaving me until i felt better ,he had been there so talking to someone ith the same condition really helps as other people just dont understand and even frown upon you as i found out ,so i tend to just keep silent and places like this with other real people and contacts can really help ,sorry i dont have a link for you as i have left my country and now living in UAE where people seem to think it dosnt exist and suicide is imprisonment so you have to be carefull,the mind is so complex you only cope for so long like a ticking bomb waiting to go off so please try and find a proper group where people know how you are feeling ask hospital for refered groups or search internet ,I wish you luck but please dont leave it as it only gets worse and remember yu are not the only one there are lots of people suffering in silence needing help,i se people always suggest Samaritans which maybe ok for one offs but they cant help you they are only a ear to listen good LUCK
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    • Posted

      I think it depends on your doctor.  Mine was very good, I went to see her, told her I had tried to commit suicide and she spent a long time talking with me, and whilst I was with her she contacted specialised services and arranged for them to see me immediately.  At no point was I made to feel a burden on her time.

      I appreciate that maybe I got lucky with my Doctor and that others do not have the same compassion, but it is usually the first and easiest point of call to ask for help.  Specialised services are much harder to contact directly or even find.

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  • Posted

    You sound depressed to me? When i had bad depression and was going to group meetings with others who were also depressed, i found myself analysing some of them? If she is depressed how can she be bothered to put makeup on? Because i could'nt be bothered it did'nt mesn that every women suffering from depression felt the same as me! We are all unique individuals and of course i should'nt assume others were the same as me?

    i was bullied by my boss on a daily basis for 6 years!!!! It was'nt until he had picked on me once to often one day that i could'nt take anymore and walked out......

    i had'nt realised how unhappy he was making me until a ton weight lifted from me...

    i was the hardest worker and i did get the odd compliment from him occasionally which made me feel good". I was frightened of being told off' this i think stems from my early childhood? I bloomed when i was praised", and cried my eyes out and broken hearted when i was told off ? He changed his mind and i think regretted his actions as loyal trustworthy staff are hard to always come by?

    i did'nt change mine and was pleased that i stood up for myself when he shouted at me and said untruths to me that my colleagues could'nt stand me? I knew he was lying......

    go to the drs my sweet and he or she will be able to help you', please dont suffer......

    when i was severely depressed sometimes about once a week i felt better and it might have lasted for 2-4 hours before i felt myself being swallowed up by the depression in a quick sand way? You have alot to deal with for a young one".

    please go and seek help and hopefully you will be happy in time like you deserve to be? Good luck hunny x

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