Need to understand

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my daughter has just given birth, and her partner (who I do struggle to like at times) has told her he has been hurting the baby. Police and social services are involved, and he has left the property. He was pinching the baby's feet and he covered her nose and mouth. He is saying he is not well, so mental health are also involved but I'm struggling to believe him. Can you be mentally unwell and hurt a tiny baby. My daughter will not let him home again until mental health deem him well. He has suffered with depression for over 2 years ...I also suffer with depression but never wanted to hurt anybody. Has anyone come across this before? I do not need advice, as it is all in the hands of the professionals who have explained everything. It's ugly. I so want to believe he would never harm his baby if he was well. I just can't help support him, and yet he has been with my daughter for 8 years, so I thought I knew him quite well. I don't like him much as I think he is lazy and doesn't support my daughter very well.i would be so grateful to hear from anyone. Thank you. Julia 

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  • Posted

    yes, i agree. i too think that even though i have suffered with depression, i will never hurt tiny baby. 

    insane filthy jealousy of most morbid type ? i cannot say. but then definitely indicative of evil propensity at deeper level in some form.

    anyway, he should     honestly and truthfuly explain the exact thoughts/emotions which were in his mind. 

    Irrespective of cause of his actions, he should not be allowed to live with baby. Future of baby is more important.

     

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    • Posted

      Hello srk90447. Many many thanks for your reply. It has certainly given me things to think about. I'm very grateful that I received replies, I think I was expecting not to. After all, it is such a horrid topic, almost unthinkable. My daughter and granddaughters are at home, he had to leave, police made him. She has signed an agreement to not allow him any access to the girls and if I thought for one moment she would go against this, I would report her. I love her very much but she has 2 small children that I'm more concerned about at this point. I see them all daily, I'm lucky that they live nearby so I'm keeping my beady eyes on them all. Will update you. I'm so grateful for replies. I was so scared but I'm feeling a bit better today. Thank you. Julia 

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  • Posted

    Julia, that's an awful thing to have happen. All I can say is that depression comes in many 'forms' and it may be that his depression is actually part of another illness. Perhaps the stress of having the new baby has triggered something in him. Whatever it is, at least he has recognised himself that he needs help (and before anything worse happened) and it sounds like he is now receiving that help, so that is a good start. I would try not to overthink it, and leave that up to his family and the professionals to sort out and concentrate instead on enjoying your new granddaughter and supporting your own daughter. 

    I would just add a couple more things (I know you didn't ask for advice!). If you are at all concerned about him trying to get access to his home, you could perhaps suggest your daughter stay with you for a while? She might welcome the additional support that would give her. Also, (you may be doing this already) I wouldn't criticise him in front of you daughter. Let her do that if she wants to. My ex was lazy and unsupportive and my parents didn't like him either! But if they criticised him I would feel defensive (as I had chosen him and chosen to have kids with him). It just made me feel worse.

    I wish you and your family all the best xx

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    • Posted

      Mari34228. Thank you so much for your reply. It made me feel a lot better and I am so grateful you took the time to respond. You raise many valid points and I feel better just by reading. My daughter is a stubborn one, and yes I have criticised him to her , which of course she defends him. So I will stop and think about what to say. And she gets 1000% support from me, I would not dream of leaving her to cope alone with my 2 beautiful granddaughters. I have over thought this, and am going to try not to today as I need to be strong for my girls. I will update you and let you know what's happening. Thank you so much, you have no idea how welcome your reply was. Julia 

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  • Posted

    I'm no expert and don't know him personally so it's hard to comment, but...I think depression doesn't cause people to hurt others (especially a tiny baby) but maybe another illness..I do feel though that because he said he'd done it and asked for help that maybe he's struggling with his thoughts/feelings and emotions. Hopefully he gets the help he needs but he should be kept away from the baby xxxx

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your reply dondons. I believe you are right, this is deeper than depression. I know there is a lot to this horrid illness, but I have not heard of anyone hurting a baby. He hasn't had the upbringing my daughter has had. Hers is secure with a solid base and she felt loved and safe as a child growing up. We know he didn't so perhaps it has been triggered from that. I'm so thankful you have replied. I was in peices but feel brighter today. I will update you, (if you like). Julia 

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  • Posted

    I think that whatever the reason he chose to harm a baby he needs to be kept well away from it for the foreseeable future.

    The news is always full of men (and it is usally men) killing innocent children and sometimes their partners as well.  I don't think any chances should be taken with a childs life.

    I don't agree that depression can cause this kind of behaviour.  At the end of the day though this doesn't matter - the welfare of the baby is the only issue at stake here.

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    • Posted

      Hi hypercat. Thank you for replying to me. I've been very humbled by those  who have responded to me. Guess I was worried about how this information would be received ....I'm very grateful. Julia 

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  • Posted

    Of course it's possible depression played a part in his actions.  Nevertheless, 99.99% of depressed people do not harm babies, so it's clear you're dealing with a special kind of pathology here. His depression is a common affliction, but his danger to others is anything but common and frankly it's damn scary.

    I think most people in the world don't empathize well enough with mental illness.  As a result we see everything from people being denied respect and dignity to homeless being killed in the streets.  I really believe in the importance of increasing empathy through better understanding.

    However, empathy and safety are unrelated concepts. It's appropriate for people to recognize danger and protect themselves and others.

    Personal opinion, if I were in your shoes and ever had a chance to permanently cut off his access from this child I would do so instantly and without a moments regret.  It's his job to get better, it's your job to protect.

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    • Posted

      Hello unforgiven. Thank you so much for your response. I've had the weekend now to think about things and feel much better today about the situation. I'm a depressive, I have felt anger towards people, tearful..but never want to hurt someone. Children's services have been amazing. They are not allowing any contact, direct or indirect until they are reassured he will not do it again. But you can bet your bottom dollar, he will never get through me. Thank you ...very grateful. Julia 

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  • Posted

    Hi Julia - how upsetting to have to deal with this situation. But at least the matter is in the hands of professionals - it's amazing how many people in similar straits will dismiss this behaviour or gloss over it. 

    When you mentioned him hurting the baby, my first thought was Munchausen syndrome - or rather Munchausen-by-proxy syndrome. This illness - which in the case of babies is usually associated with the mother - compels the bearer to hurt their children in order to get attention, or even to appear heroic as they have 'rescued' the child from greater danger. I wonder if, in the case of your daughter's partner, he was seeking attention or perhaps contemplating removing the baby from the picture altogether (just pondering the disturbing matter of him covering the babies nose and mouth) in order to be the centre of attention once again.

    Further to your comment about the depressed not hurting anyone - I too find it impossible to contemplate such action. However, this matter was brought to global attention a year or so ago when the pilot of a German Wings aircraft deliberately crashed his plane into the French Alps killing 149 on board. He was deemed by doctors (who said he shouldn't be flying) to be depressed. I still debate with others whether it was simply depression that drove him to this act. I think there had to be a big slice of psycopathy or sociopathy there in his character.

    Meanwhile, at least you are alert to what has gone on in your family, action has been taken, and you will always be wary in the future. Best of luck to you.

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    • Posted

      Hello Wayne1962. I'm so grateful for your reply. It's been interesting reading all the replies actually. Was very worried about what people would think. I'm very grateful to the services as well, children's services are taking this very seriously. He is not allowed any contact what so ever. His assessment with the mental health team stated he had lifted in mood...(so does this mean he won't hurt a baby now). And how do you lift that quickly. My experience with my depression of 30 years is that it has taken a couple of weeks to lift mood. Apparently he is suicidal and really desperate to see his children. I feel better today, the weekend was hell but at least my family are all safe. Spent the day with my grandchildren today, kept looking at them and wondering how the hell would a person hurt a small child. My granddaughters are 2 and 6weeks...so little and innocent, but so so beautiful. Thank you Wayne for responding to me. Julia 

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