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Never been so scared in my life.

Posted , 6 users are following.

BellaLuna
BellaLuna

My anxiety and agoraphobia have intensified, I am not keeping food down well, frequent toilet trips, constant panic and fear, little sleep, waking in panic, crying and screaming in distress and elevated intolerable panic on leaving the house.

I am due to restart therapy soon but can't get there and the doc said I wont benefit from it in this terrible state, I must stabilise first.

I have tried lots of meds in my life and had many adverse side effects which left me with an intense phobia of new ones, therapy could help with this too but I can't get there until I am stable.

I am currently on 20mg diazepam per day, been on that for years, the dose was increased by 2mg in January, it didn't do a lot but stopped me screaming so much.

This morning the doc said the only real option at this point in time is to increase it again to take the edge off and then seek the therapy for my problems and my phobia of new meds, sounds like a plan but I am scared.

He says I am tolerant to diazepam, this is true but when I updose I do still feel very strange, bit drunk, unsteady, spacey, poor memory etc.

Now I do need relief, I really do but I'm so scared it will kill me or something, current dose is as follows:

9mg am

4mg noon

7mg night

He said take:

11mg am

4mg noon

9mg night

Oh my gosh, I am going to be out of it on that much, I'm not sure it's even safe to take 11mg, I mean he is a doctor but it's a scary amount of diazepam to wake up and take and that is without the extra 2mg at night.

I realise I have no real choice, I and my family need some relief until therapy can start but it's a lot and I am tiny, I mean 5 ft 1 and 7 stone 4 so I am very slight, what if my body can't cope with it?

I am scared that it wont even help too but I have tried to be strong and face my fears, it's just too much at the moment though, I simply cannot cope with this level of anxiety and panic.

I always thought 10mg in one single dose was the max you could take so 11mg in the morning feels scary.

Gosh, so scared here, not sure what to do just know I do need something to take the edge off sad

0 likes, 49 replies

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  • Misssy2
    Misssy2 BellaLuna

    Posted

    OMG....you are taking way too much diazepam.

    I am prescribed Lorazepam....same family of medicine.

    I have problems with alcohol abuse.  So my Dr has decided to cut down the Lorazepam that I take....from 3x a day to 1x a day because they are afraid I will take this medication and drink and possibly die.

    I was REALLY mad when they decided to cut the medication to 1x a day.  I didn't think that I could cope without this medication 3x a day.  I did go thru some withdrawal because I have been taking it 3x a day for over 11 years.  

    BUT, in reality...this type of medication can make depression worse.  My other Dr. thinks I NEED it 3x a day...and is setting me up with a Dr. to prescribe it 3x a day.

    But, you know what? Since I have been on it 1x a day...I FEEL BETTER mentally.

    This type of drug works on our Central Nervous System and causes depresssion symptoms to be worse, causes memory to be worse..and of course the more "out of it" we feel...the worse we feel.

    My opinion is the amount you are taking is BAD for you and for your depression.

    I would work on weaning down to a much lower level...I would do...Like 0mg in the morning...maybe 4 in the afternoon and 4 at night.

    I have noticed a change for the better in my mental state by reducing the benzo medication.

    • BellaLuna
      BellaLuna Misssy2

      Posted

      Thank you, i have heard many people say they feel better on less diazepam, i wish i could reduce my dose but right now i am just absolutely terrified to start tapering.

      I really need the therapy, i need to overcome my phobia of other medications and find something more suitable and longstanding to combine with therapy to improve the way i deal with the panic disorder and agoraphobia.

      But to do that i really do need to calm down a bit, i hate diazepam, i fear it but my family is falling apart around me, i scream with panic, i feel like i haven't got long left in this world and not because i feel suicidal but because my weak body can take no more of this, no more 5am waking, no more intense panic, no more lack of food and water, it's too much to take.

      I do think the increase is a bit much though, they say i am tolerant which i know is true but i still get side effects on an increased dose so i need to be careful.

      My intention was to utilise it until i got therapy then wean off it completely, i'm scared though.

      My husband said that if i am going to increase then perhaps instead of going up so high i should just increase the morning dose to help me get out of the house and in turn get to therapy, he thinks morning and night would be excessive, I just wish it hadn't come to this.

    • tess33005
      tess33005 Misssy2

      Posted

      Misssy, with no disrespect to you at all, Bella needs this dosage or she'll never get out of the house.....

      And the doc hasn't put on anywhere NEAR the maximum recommended dose.

      You're drinking alcohol so it isn't safe to take lots of benzos. Okay, I know you're sober now but I have never understood why your counsellor told you that you'd die if you took 0.5mg xanax after alsohol because you'd stop breathing.

      This is arrant nonsense! Honestly!

      Please believe me, Misssy. Not only am I a nurse and know the professionally recommended daily doses of all the benzos, but I started my taper on 30mg daily, if you remember.

      Hope you're still doing well, darling. How is Stoptember going?

      Lots of love, Tess xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 tess33005

      Posted

      I don't think any of us are in the position to say what Bella needs.

      Bella has to figure it out......its nice that we have the forums to give advice...interact with each other.

      However, just from personal knowledge and interaction with Drs...benzo's are known to cause as many side effects as alcohol....downers, depressents...a body without chemicals is best...but not POSSIBLE in the world we currently live.

      And I KNOW it is very hard when "addicted" to imagine living without these substances.  The fact is...as it was with ME....that people who take benzos...get physically and psychologically dependent on them...and I did not realize until they were taken away that I WAS addicted to them and...that I CAN cope with things....and that I feel much better.

      My Dr. wants to send me to another Dr. to get back on the 3 benzos...I am going to decline that offer...because I feel better with less drugs and no alcohol in my body.

      There is no pleasure in being zoned out all day for me.  I am much happier being clear minded.

       

  • helen20833
    helen20833 BellaLuna

    Posted

    Hello there dear!

    Oh bella, I'm so sorry you're feeling worse. As a fellow agoraphobic I understand and feel for you

    Where the dosage is concerned I cannot help, I only wish I could, but personally am takin sertraline 50mg a day and have never been prescribed diazepan.

    But I will say this. I doubt your GP would prescribe any dosage that would harm you in any shape, way or form. And if you are fearful of the dosage, waiting for it to "make you worse " then worse it will be, not in reality, but due to heightened agitation and anxiety

    Hang in there honey. Those who "know" will soon be rushing to the Forum to help and calm you

    I send love and hugs

    Helen xxxx

    • BellaLuna
      BellaLuna helen20833

      Posted

      Thank you Helen, I have tried so hard to carry on in this state but I just can't do it anymore, it's every second of every day that is affected now and I have no life anymore.

      I also doubt the GP would prescribe a dangerous dose, after all he is a doctor and has examined me and read my medical notes, he is not my doctor (she is on holiday) but he is experienced, 20 plus years in the practice.

      I know what you mean about being fearful of the dosage though, last time i had an increase i took it and simply thought 'to hell with it, nothing to lose here' and it wasn't great but it stopped me screaming and meant i could get out of the door and into the car with my husband.

      That was only 2mg though, this time it's a 2mg increase at night and another 2mg increase in the morning, the one at night seems less scary, heck i need the rest but the one in the morning is a worry, thing is my panic is so much worse in the morning because that is when i need to go out so that is when i need the help most.

      Gosh it's such a dilemma, wish i didn't need pills at all but something needs to change and if i don't get stable i don't get therapy and i know that is the key to a better future.

      Thanks again Helen, love and hugs sent back to you too xxxx

    • helen20833
      helen20833 BellaLuna

      Posted

      I'm so sorry, sweetie, I know what it's like. I know how awful is it to be scared

      Look, all your friends are here for you!

      Bella, do what you have to do to get well. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid of meds. Do what YOU think is right for you. Do what you are capable of and no more. Don't push yourself, Bella

      We are all there for you, wishing you well

      MUCH LOVE, MANY HUGS!

      HELEN  xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • tess33005
    tess33005 BellaLuna

    Posted

    Hi darling.

    That dose of diazepam is absolutely safe. The max safe dose docs ae allowed to prescribe is 40mg daily, so don't worry about that.

    My daughter had a lot of trouble leaving the house when she was younger and we managed to get the therapist to come to our home and treat her.

    Thankfully she is now fine.

    Oh, and when I started my diazepam taper I had been taking 100mg daily!!

    The first taper dose the doc prescribed was 30mg daily for three months. I could take it all at once or throughout the day. So you're FINE with that, love.

    Doctors sometimes prescribe 20mg twice daily so 11mg is a LOT less than that.

    Hope this helps.

    Love Tess xxx

    • BellaLuna
      BellaLuna tess33005

      Posted

      Thank you tess, it was quite a shock really because i had always been told never to take more than 10mg in a single dose but now i will be taking 11mg in one dose, 4mg the next and 9 mg at the final dose at night, total daily dose 24mg, it's not that much really when you think about it but it just feels like a lot to me i suppose.

      My therapist wont come to the house, very few do here in the UK unless you are paying and sadly i have no money to pay so i have to go to them.

      Well done on your tapering too, that is an amazing job you have done there tess, it's never easy to decide if you should try to keep coping or accept an increase in a benzo but when you can't cope, when your husband is in tears and your kids are too something has to give.

      I hope that one day i too can say i was able to taper and be free of them, i just need to find a way to cope for now xxx

  • tess33005
    tess33005 BellaLuna

    Posted

    Oh, and if I were you, I'd take the 9mg in the morning and the 11mg at night.

    Just a thought froma thoroughly experienced benzo addict.....

    T  xxxx

  • lisalisa67
    lisalisa67 BellaLuna

    Posted

    What happened to the idea of getting into in patient facility bell in a different district? Bella you are too drugged, too much and this is ridiculous how they are caring for you. Almost criminal to be honest.you seriously need in patient care. Your meds are awful
    • lisalisa67
      lisalisa67

      Posted

      If they refuse to het you into a different in patient facility you are going to have to figure out a way to get into a provate facility whether it is in your area or somewhere else. This is your life and body and their care has medically sucked. Theres no nicer way to put it. This can not be safe or healthy on your body long term. 
    • BellaLuna
      BellaLuna lisalisa67

      Posted

      They have refused to do it Lisa, I have begged them to put me into hospital, truly begged and pleaded with them but they refuse to help me.

      They told me the only way I am getting a hospital bed is if I try to kill myself in a public place and someone calls the police, that way I will get a section 136, that is what they call it but even that does not mean I will get a bed, I might just be put in a cell for my own safety then released when a doctor says so.

      My husband is going to complain about it but I expect them to drag that out for months too, they wont help me and wont accept responsibility for their failings.

    • lisalisa67
      lisalisa67

      Posted

      I mentioned this before to you i dont think this is all anxiety releated i think half if this is medicine related. It isnt intended at all the way they have you using it. This would seriously make the news in america on a tv show they have called shame on you. Shame on the doctors, shme on the system and shame in them for so poorly caring and treating you! Out of anything i have ever read on this forum your story and treatment  really upsets me a lot. I would consider moving. 
    • lisalisa67
      lisalisa67 BellaLuna

      Posted

      I know it makes so sad inside! This is so disturbing bella. I feel so bad for you. This isnt your fault its crazy..they are crazy. Is there anyone you can wrote too for help..petition it or anything at all. Can you move. Is there any way you can mice ir get some kind of lawyer to help you? 
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