never ending depression and anxiety , no matter what

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i have been posting on here for 9 months , have been back and forth to my gp , and i feel so depressed and anxious ,  crying so sad so low and it just isnt getting any better , i feel so fearfull and think of just ending it all dont want to feel like this anymore i am currently on citalopram but have tried most ssri and they dont seem to have any effects , i get out walk go swimming do activities that distract my mind but i feel so awfull , i go to work and im like a zombie living in fear , just live for bed time when i can close my eyes and it all goes away , i dont smoke or drink and live a clean life , never taken any drugs , i keep telling myself that give it time and it will get better but nothing changes i am constantly stuck in this deep dark hole , and im so tired , i wake in the morning and the anxiety is crippling and the worry , then by lunch time i am crippled with the depression day after day , have tried to get on with life and accepting the anxiety and depression and tried not to fear it , made myself do things even when i have been at my worse but no let up , i  just cant seem to make any headway no matter what i do , ,  the strange thing is that the other day i found myself smiling and laughing for 1 hour out the blue , and then 3 hours later i was having thoughts of not wanting to be here which ended in me crying my eyes out, i think it was the first time i had smiled and laughed in 2 years , how can that be that i can feel like that for just 1 hour in 2 years and the plummet into severe depression again , any advice would be so helpfull

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  • Posted

    Hi Terry

    My heart goes out to you. Reading your post I thought I hade composed it. I've been like you since April and still find it hard just to get out of bed. I've had a few good afternoons but they are few and far between. We will get through this but we may not have found either the right dosage or combination. I think many of us start to feel we are not going to get better especially when the illness drags on for months. How many meds have you tried or dose increase? I do know that an average depression should go if untreated in 6 to 8 months but with the right meds duration is reduced. As your nine months in it sounds like your meds are not giving you any relief. Please see your doctor again and ask him to advise what he can do to ease your suffering.

    Wishing you a better tomorrow

    Lorraine x

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    • Posted

      thank you for your reply lorraine , i am currently on 30mg of citalopram have been for 4 months now and before that i had tried nearly all the ssri , and have had no relief , i was on venlaxafine for 10 plus years and that did help with the depression but did nothing for the anxiety , and its side effects in the end were terrible , i stoped that in march and had horrible withdrawel effects , i dont know what other meds there are to try , but just cant live life like this , its not just my life being destroy but also my family who suffer watching me and can do nothing to help , i would sell my soul just to have one day of feeling depression and anxciety free , as i say i just dont know where to turn . what meds are you on or have taken has anything given you relief .                                                                                                                             best wishes terry x
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    • Posted

      Hi Terry

      I am on the third day of citalopram 30mg I spent absolute weeks on ten mg then weeks on twenty and still feel unwell. I know what you mean about the impact on others too. I am 55 with 7 grandchildren and it breaks my heart that I'm no longer a fun loving nan.

      My own children have been understanding but you can't help feeling like a burden.

      With your situation the doctor needs to come up with something as nine months of suffering is much too long.

      Terry there is a med out there that will help you. Your doctor needs to either research meds that may work or discuss your resistant depression with medical colleagues. Make an appointment and be really assertive.

      Please let me know how your getting on.

      Wishing you a brighter tomorrow

      Lorraine xx

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    • Posted

      thanks lorraine , do you suffer with depression and anxiety or just depression , i have both and it is hard to treat the two so they keep telling me , i have 2 lovley children 18 and 19 , and i am missing so much ,and they suffer seeing me like this , do you think the citalopram has made any difference to you , the higher i went the more severe the side effects became . feel very sick in the mornings , and it does make me sweat alot when i
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    • Posted

      sorry pushed the wrong button , as i was saying makes me sweat a lot if i do anything physical and i struggle to go out in the sun , dont really feel any different to when i was on the venlaxafine to be honest ,                                     
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    • Posted

      Wow Terry

      You and I are very alike! I suffer with both but this is my first time with this illness. I haven't made enough progress as I'm still retching and sweating along with no apetite and absolutely no energy. I haven't been out for months but have managed to walk around the block most days. Mornings are certainly the worse!!

      I think we should both go to our docs and be really assertive. I hope your boys understand your illness and know how guilty it makes us feel. We are going to get better and I hope it's sooner than we think. Please stay in touch it will be nice to know how your getting on.

      God bless

      Lorraine xx

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    • Posted

      my heart goes out to you lorraine , to think that some one else is going through what i am feeling fills me with sadness , as i wouldnt wish this on anybody , i was hoping that after 4 months of the cit i would see some rest bite but nothing its along time to be on something and it not work and then have to start all over again, do yo sleep well on the cit , i fall asleep easily but wake after 4 hours and thats when it all starts again , i am going to see someone on monday and ask for something infact anything that can just give me a break from this , i feel they are not doing enough , i have worked for 30 years and have paid ni and tax so i feel i have a right to some form of help . let me know how you get on if you go to your docs , do you find that every time you increase your cit you get worse . for me everytime i started upping it i felt right back at the begining .                                                                                                                               take care x
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    • Posted

      Hi Terry

      Bless you and thank you. I'm like you i nod off then I too wake up and put the TV on! Yes I do feel side effects on each increase. Sweats crying retching and dizziness. Stomachs not to good either but not sure if that's down to not eating that much. So thankful to find you on this site as it appears we are going through the wringer at the same time. Hope you stay in touch Terry and from the heart wish you a brighter tomorrow

      Lorraine x

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    • Posted

      Hi aren't you on different meds for depression and anxiety.  I thought doctors can give you 1 for each condition?   Go back to your doctors and see if they can give you one for anxiety as well.   A combination of meds might work better for you.  x
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  • Posted

    Terry, I can relate to you in some ways. I am on 20 mg of Citalopram as of yesterday and there are times when waking up is an effort. I, too , work and feel as though I am a zombie. I can not wait until bedtime so I can sleep it away; in fact, I am in bed now. There have been times when I would be depressed one minute and happy . smiling dancing around the next. I can't be near my own husband at times and we are going on vacation soon.
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  • Posted

    Terry there is no strict way into doing something. For example these activities and things you do, you are doing them cuz you think they'll help you drift away a little bit. The mere fact that you will always be aware of the fact, that you are being forced to do these things to not feel empty, will make you fall back at the same stage. You probably start thinking of how you got in here, start blaming things, people, yourself, but all of this, has happened so often that you dont even recognize the fact that you are drifting from reality in those moments. When this occurs often then it will be easier for you to fall back into the loop of thoughts. 

    What to do:

    Start recognizing the thoughts that come up most often. Usually these are related to specific situations that you fear to confront. What you have to do, is give up your pride and lose your identity for a while, cuz you will go and be in that situation. Dont get scared, you just want to know what thoughts pop into your head. After you've gotten them, write them down. After you do this once. Go another time and be part of that sticky situation, but now you know exactly the initial thoughts that would isolate you into your head. This time you will see, that those thoughts you wrote on the paper, you transfered them into the paper forever, cuz you will be able to see that there was nothing to be afraid of. 

    My biggest fear, which is usually the first fear learned was that I was afraid to be myself freely and over the years, I isolated myself cuz I hated everyone for not allowing me to be myself. Yet I had forgotten, that it was me who thought "they" wouldnt welcome my behaviour. I started changing, but wasn't feeling comfortable in the one who I was about to become, so I decided to get myself back, by going back into early memories, I remembered as much as I could, and I understood how my true self is, because by the time I didn't feel any life running through my body, I was just a mind ruling over the body that started to break down physicaly, and I said there is no way it gotta end up this way, I must have forgotten about something important. And you know what it was that I was missing, it was the feeling of being alive. I'd totally forgotten about it, cuz I was always thinking about the future, and from the past I'd drag only bad things so I could fix them for the future. I forgot that in the past there were good things too. And when I remembered things from back when I felt alive the most, there was nothing I want more, and I would work more than for that. You gotta give it your all. It's just a feeling, but I'm sure thats everyone's purpose of life. If you are feeling the presence of life inside your body then you may bother thinking about the usuall things, but first do this.

    I'm sorry for the text its a little messed up, but I get very inspired when I help my fella humans :D

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