NEW TO SITE- I'm really struggling and don't know where to turnt

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Hi I've never used forums before but really struggling!! I'm late twenties and have struggled with anxiety/depression/low self esteem for the 10 years on & off.the first episode was when my mum was terminally ill, I struggled to cope with everything, work, life. We was so close & I miss her terribly. I was put on anti depressant and was on these a few years, I started to feel better so weaned myself off them with the help of GPs. I thought everything was going well until I had a blip 6 months later regarding work & study and totally crashed and was put back on them. I quickly felt a lot better but knew I couldn't stay on them long as I was getting married and we want to try for a baby. I accepted referral from my go for counselling, cbt and trauma therapy which I really felt helped. I felt I was turning a corner so with the advice and help from gp and councillor I again gradually weaned myself off of them. This was just over a month ago, however I'm really struggling. I can feel myself going into myself, my anxiety and low self esteem are rising and I'm trying my best to control them but it's hard. It's starting to make me doubt my abilities in my role, I'm a hca at a hospice. I fell into this work after my mum passed away and wasn't something I had ever done before. I constantly feel stupid in my role and feel a lack of understanding but daren't ask for help. My team are lovely and I think they think I'm so much better than I am. As my low self esteem takes over I get the feeling I need to run, jump ship, I've never done this but it's a hard emotion to manage. I've often had this feeling in jobs where I'm a fraud no good and that I'll get found out!!

i talk to my husband but I know he struggles with what to say to make things better. I feel so alone at times, me and mum was so close, like best friends really. I don't have a very good relationship with my dad either.

i don't know if I should be looking for another job, is it the job that makes me so unhappy and fuels my self esteem and anxiety issue I just don't think I'll be good at anything. As my problems grow I can find myself getting into rituals where I constantly compare myself to others and their job and feel I will never be good enough.

i could go on but I've waffled for long enough, I just wondered do others feel this way?

as I get older will it get easier?

i feel it will always stick with me.

thanks for listening B x

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear Bid2012, 

    the advice that popped into my head straight away is - change your job. I worked in healthcare, it was very stressful both physically and mentally. I saw lots of death, trauma and grief and I know that affected me (so now I am here on this forum). Maybe it is not the kind of advise you would like to hear, but surrounding yourself with healthy happy(ish) people changes your life. 

    Please stay well and safe! 

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your message. I feel so mixed I have good and bad days at home & work. I have a really lovely team and on the good days love what I do. Just at the moment they seem to be non existent!! My husband thinks if I left I would really regret it and that I would probably feel the same in other job roles as it's due to my lack of self esteem!!

      what have you now gone into doing?

      its nice and reassuring to connect with others that feel the same!! 

      B x

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    • Posted

      Now I am in the Management of Innovation. I work with enthusiastic and inspirational young people creating the technologies of the future. Sometimes my self-esteem gives way and I think - that the hell am I doing here? But then I am reminded that I also have talents and skills....

      I also have bad and good days. Bad days are very bad, I cry a lot too...feeling scared of the whole world. Good days I have to use wisely not to fall behind with my project. So it is a constant battle. I just hope I am winning. 

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    • Posted

      Wow that seems interesting! I know I'm not capable of anything on that scale!! I've been thinking about admin or receptionist as I love order and organizing things. 

      Today feels it's been a write off, I've been stuck in my head with my worries and self doubt. I just want to cry too feeling very alone!!!

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