New Year, but same horrible intrusive suicidal thoughts upon waking ....

Posted , 6 users are following.

First of all, can I start by wishing all of you a Happy New Year.  I hope that, starting from today, 2015 is better for all of you.

So, I stayed-up last night to watch the fireworks from London, took my night-time meds, including a sleeping tablet. and I guess I fell-asleep about 1am.

I had some anxiety and sadness about what's happened to my life, but not too bad, and guess I fell-asleep about 1am.

I slept-through until about 10am today.

However, my first conscious thoughts as I did so were of suicide.

These have now eased after I went downstairs then came back up to look at this forum.  But, I feel sad and hopeless.

As I've said on other threads, my mental health problems have followed from a long-term relationship split in 2010, which I obviously didn't deal with fully at the time; and with no partner since; taking redundany from my job of 24 years in 2012, which felt liberating at the time, but which now feels like an awful decision as I had no real plan after it; my mum being diasgnosed with dementia, which is quite bad now, and my father also getting old; various on-going phobias, which I have magnified and which can feel like part of these suicidal thoughts; loneliness (as an example, I didn't get (or send) one 'Happy New Year text last night; and the HIV scare 18 months ago, which is what finally triggered-off my acute mental problems - first severe insomnia, closely followed by severe anxiety, and then severe depression.

The thing is: I do NOT want to die.  I want my life back.  I know I can't have all of my old life back (long-term partner, old job, healthy parents), but I want as much of it back as possible, along with a new life and the ability to find another job, make new friends and hopefully a new, lonhg-term partner.

But, I feel so down and, despite various medications, have anxiety and its symptoms (sweating and trembling, especiallly in public places), terrible concentration (the opposite to what I was like when I was well), and terrible insmnia - which is only treated with sleeping tablets.

I really don't know what to do.


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  • Posted

    Hi there and happy new year to all....I know I should practice what I preach,and I have done the following a few times in the course of my life.What can be tremendously helpful and nourishing for our self worth is a little bit of voluntary work. Be it from working for the Aged to perhaps walking dogs that are sadly inprisoned in rescue centres all over thecountry.There are loads of options available...Perhaps give it a thought?all the best honey x
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  • Posted

    Oops...Don't know why my post was sent for moderating but I'll give it another go!(I didn't swear I promise!)Perhaps it would be an idea to work for one of the many voluntary organizations on a tiny part time basis (to begin with)i e taking dogs out for walks at one of the many rescue centers,or helping the elderly....etc...There are limitless choices out there.This can be extremely nourishing for low self esteem and can make us feel we're contributing...You need to "get out of your head" for a bit and focus on something...Give it some thought honey,Sally x....Forgive me if the other similar post comes up!
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  • Posted

    GNNIR, I think it's worth you see your Doctor and get yourself in the system. Maybe alter your meds and maybe get some councilling. I can empathize with your situation after divorce, and other life changes. You need to get yourself the necessary treatment to get you back on track.


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    • Posted

      Hi Jimmy,

      I am "in the system": I see a both a psychiatrist and communiity psychiatric nurse at least once per month each.  I also see my GP regularly.

      All have suggested counselling, but I don't see how I can take that in.  I've tried some of the online resources and I get nowhere - my concentration is awful.

      I am even considering hypnosis - I've been dabbling in that online, too.

      Exercise is no use for, when I am having a brisk walk - for example - all I do is think and ruminate about all that had brought me to my rotten condition.

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  • Posted

    Sorry Gnnir I just reread your post and I should have said this may be an option if you were first and foremost able to get the awful physical symptoms under control.I do apologize.sally x
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  • Posted

     Hi GNNIR,

     I can truly sympathize with what you're going through. My psychiatrist has me on all the wrong doses of medications and not even a trace of sleeping pills. Lucky you at least. I suffer immensely from insomnia as well. I just can't seem to get the motivation top get to sleep in the first place. In fact I didn't take my evening meds last night & ended up spending the whole night on Facebook. I didn't sleep a wink. At least with the meds I'm on, I don't suffer from depression at any more. Went to the corner store at 6 AM this morning to get more cigarettes. That's the degree of human interaction I've had for the last 24 hours. No New Years celebrating for me. I have only 1 (best) friend. He suffers from schizophrenia. You might consider me a sociopath. I'm trying to convince my doctor to reduce my medication(s). I feel like I'm over-medicated, during the day I'm a zombie. I play catch up on my sleep during the daytime... taking 4 hour naps on the couch listening to the radio.

     Getting back to the similarities between your life and mine... Back in 1991 after brain surgery for a tumor my neurologist discovered after trying to deal with my uncontolable epilepsy. Because of where the operation took place (in the right frontal lobe), I felt very depressed after the operation. I approached the surgeon who did the surgery but he said, Oh, that's just post-operative depression, it'll go away soon. And he dismissed me. (I had really developed bi-polar illness.) Within 1 week of being released I had my first suicide attempt. I had two others within three months. They admitted me to the psych ward for a month to figure out what was wrong with me. They tried me on countless medications that had no effect on me. Later that month they tried me on Lithium. I snapped out of my depression immediately. The resident doctor declared that I must have bi-polar illness. I was released a week later and put under the care of a great psychiatrist who saw me on a weekly basis. She was excellent.

     To make a long story short, when my wife of twelve years found out I had bi-polar illness, she mentioned it to the pastor at her church. He said to her, Oh, he'll be in and out of the hospital the rest of his life. You better get rid of him. So she did. She said I wasn't the same person she married and she couldn't stand being around me. So she divorced me. We had two children, 10 & 11 at the time. I made a deal with her about the divorce. I said , I'll give you the house, the car and half the furniture on one condition. As long as you don't ask me for child support. I had lost my job and was on social assistance at the time. 

     Another traumatic thing happened to me about a year later. My sister committed suicide due to post-partum induced depression after her second child was born. She was only under the care of her family doctor not a psychiatrist. So no one was listening to her story. She felt too isolated.

     The next traumatic thing I had to deal with was the fact that my mother contacted Hepatitis C due to tainted blood she received during an operation in 1992. She has since passed away because of it. There is no cure for hepatitis C.

     After four years of being on Lithium I asked my first psychiatrist about the long term possibilities of kidney damage... I had a weak kidney as it was. She agreed to take me off of it and consulted with my neurologist who had been treating me for epilepsy. He suggested I be put on Tegretol (Carbamazepine). It is both an anti-convulsant and a mood stabilizer. That kept me relatively stable for a while. I was OK until she retired. The psychiatrist she referred me to turned out to be a quack. When I mentioned my problem with insomnia he increased my anti-psychotic medication Olanzapine numerous times to the point where I was almost at toxic levels. I felt like crap. Not to mention the fact that I ended up developing Diabetes. From the research I've done, high levels of Olanzapine cause Diabetes. If he only knew. This was discovered when I went for my anual check-up with my GP. He had taken a blood test and when he got the results back he was quite alarmed. My blood sugar level was at 25 !!! He quickly referred me to an endocrynologist (Daibetes doctor). He ended up putting me on a high dosage of Metformin. No good results. He then doubled the dose. Still not satisfactory enough. He the added a second medication which did the trick.My blood sugar levels are still relatively high... usually around 10.5 on average. I still think the Olanzapine is playing a big factor in keeping my blood sugar levels too high. I have at least convinced my psychiatrist to start reducing my medications. At least he has agreed to, but very slowly. I have had only one very small reduction in the Olanzapine. Get this. He only reduced my daily dose by 1/4 mg. In total I'm taking 23.75 mg. a day. When it comes to medication my psychiatrist just wants to play around with giving out medication and doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.

     I am thankful that my parents took a keen interest in my case. They joined the "family & friends" group at the Mood Disorders Association in our city. They lasted so long in that group that they eventually became facilitators of the group within a few years. As it turned out, mental health issues were a family problem on both sides of my family. I had apparently lost an uncle, an aunt and a couple of cousins because of mental health issues. My parents asked my siblings to be considerate and passionate towards me. WELL, to this day my family is SO supportive. My sister out of town pays for my monthly bus pass every month. She wires the money to my brother who makes sure that I get my next month's pass before the end of the following month. AND this brother also tales me out grocery shopping once a month and pays for my groceries. Even my two children seem to understand and are supportive as well. By the same token, when my daughter thinks that my clothes are looking a little ragged, she takes me out  shopping for clothes. My Dad is supporting me in a similar way. He pays for my dental bills at the dental college where it's cheaper than than a regular dentist. He also insists that I get gold fillings and crowns. Luckily he gets a good pension because he had a high paying job working for the city. I too am lucky financially. Because of my long term illness I qualified for lifetime disability insurance from the federal government. I get $1112/month (Canadian), which would work out to be about 550 pounds/month in the UK if my math is correct. I'm also fortunate to belong to a government program called "Life Saving Drug Program" which pays for all my medication. Some people are not so lucky. Most people in Canada have to pay for their medications out of pocket. The program has since shut down but people who were on the program since its inception still qualify for benefits. Nobody can apply for it any more.

     The truth is, you and I will never get our old lives back the way they were or the way we want them to be. My best advice to you is, consult numerous times with your doctor who has you on various medications and tell them that they just aren't working and you're willing to try something different. The truth is, there are no magic pills that work the same for everybody. Everybody needs a different drug combination. In fact, in my case it turned out that I was alergic to anti-depressants. They made me more manic even to the point of being psychotic in some cases. That's where my second psychiatrist's hands were tied. He just increased my mood stabilizer dose and things went OK. It's when he played around with the dosage of my anti-psychotic that my life turned around for the worse. In your case I can see that anti-depressants may play a big role in your insomnia and possibly your anxiety as well. I have to admit that at  first it is trial and error when it comes to med changes but it's worth it in the end. Keeping the lines of communication open with the doctor prescribing these meds makes a big difference. Ask them to do some research on the side effects you are experiencing. Good luck in the future. I'll be thinking of you. Feel free to comment back to me on your experiences.

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    • Posted


      Just want to say how good it is to read your story which descibes your problems but is full of gratitude too.  Very inspiring and all the very very best to you. 

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  • Posted


    So glad this forum  is helping you and so sorry you are struggling too.

    I lost my whole lifestyle in 2010 quite tragically and shockingly too.  It has taken me years to move forward.  I think it is post traumatic stress disorder, where you become stuck on an event and no will in the world seems to move you past it.  All you want is your old life back, and you know that is not possible.  Well I went to counselling and even though I thought while I was doing it even, that it wasnt helping.  It actually did help.  I think it was the attention to me and my problems that I needed, which a counsellor gives you.  My talking helped me to come to tems eventually with my losses.  My counsellor challenged me sometimes, to my annoyance, but I must have needed that to jolt me out of my osesssive thoughts that were stopping me enjoying a new life.

    Good luck and all the very best.  Again, I am really really sorry for all your losses and your suffering, and I hope you find the right help for you, to get better and have a better 2015 than 2014.



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