Newly diagnosed with depression

Hello.

I'm Keendy I'm 34, from Leeds, I tell you about my past first.

I met my partner when I was 21 at uni, we lived together and worked together all these years. But in October 2014, he was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer and he was told that he only had about 8/9 months and he had his small intestine removed due to the tumour and had a stoma. After recovering from surgery, he started his chemo every other week for 8 cycles. The chemo was used to stop the growth (well that was we were told) and give my partner the best quality of life as possible (he was told that it was way to advance and we were told that he only had between 8 and 9 months). So after the chemo had finished (April 2015), he wanted a break from it, so we went away for a few days to Scotland and Wales to enjoy our lives together and create new memories. It was lovely. In May 2015, it just got seriously worse. He was admitted to hospital to help manage the pains in his joints and back due to the lymph nodes as the cancer spread to the lymph nodes too. After a few attempts of changing his pain meds he was home for a few days, but he was in so much pain we couldn't control his pain. So again he was admitted to hospital again. The doctors tried many things such as radiotherapy on his back (worked for a few days, but the pain came back) then they tried nerve block, didn't work.

Then they tired to use chemotherapy again, and after the first session, his liver and kidney failed and he had surgery to get a tube into his kidney to release the fluid into a bag. After that he stop eating and drinking. They tired everything.

The doctors at the hospital agreed that they wasn't anything else to do. They tired everything. So they agreed that he should be transferred to st Gemma's hospice in moortown Leeds. This was in June 2015, as soon as we got to the hospice, he was pain free. And we started to free that he could get better but after a day at the hospice we he started to become more weaker and weaker and he couldn't get out of bed and he started to sleep a lot more often. Every few hours or so he started to get more pains in his joints and back. So the nurses gave him more meds. ( we didn't/want to know what meds were given to him) we just wanted to be pain free. So after 5 days in hospice, he died pain free June 17th 2015 at 1045.

So that's my story.

So since taking time off work and adjusting my life without my partner. I've been having bereavement counselling but it seems not to work. I've been having troubles sleeping getting up in the morning for work. Settling done to watch tv is getting difficult as I seem not to be able to concentrate probably. I'm appetite nots been great. And I find it hard to socialise with my friends and work colleagues.

I joined a gym to help me socialise bit I tend not to talk to anyone at work nor the gym.

I been to the doctors today (22/03/16) and I've been given Citalopram 20mg.

I'm finding it hard to socialise, doing the simplest jobs at home. I tend to see my family, niece and nephew which helps a lot but as soon as I leave them I feel the same as I did before I see them.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks for reading and any comments left.

Keendy

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