No parents, I've been stabbed, feel deserted by everyone.

Agh darling I don't know where to start.

First of all you have been through a MASSIVE trauma and just the fact that you're here, you're trying to make you're life better, and you're still fighting should make you very very proud. Most people would give up, but you haven't, so you're obviously a very strong person (I know that probably doesn't help right now).

You are doing SO well to reach out for support from your dr and on here too, and I'm sorry you haven't had much success yet, but don't give up hope.

Firstly, medication is probably a good thing for you right now as you've been through so much, but the awkward thing about anti depressants is that it takes a while to get a one that suits you, at the correct dosage. You'll need your meds adjusted, changed and added to a few times before you find something that fits you just right. Talk to your dr again about your meds maybe?

Have you been offered counselling? Some talk therapy with either a psychologist or counsellor may help alleviate the anger you are feeling, because basically you'll be able to rant/shout/cry in a safe space where you can say exactly how you are feeling about everyone and everything. Has anybody spoken to you about victim support? I don't know what they offer now but I know they used to do counselling which would probably be quicker than going through your GP.

I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend and friends, you've been through something major and they might feel out of their depth and not know how to support you. I know this isn't helpful to you but please don't think this is your fault, it's just another result of the utterly terrible circumstances you've found yourself in. In time I'm sure there'll be someone who will come along and be able to be there for you. But maybe some time to concentrate on yourself and get better is what's best right now.

Your grandparents are probably coping the only way they know how, so try and be gentle with them. It might not be how you want them to react, but they'll be doing all they can to just fight on another day too.

I'm not surprised you're so angry, but self harm and overdoses are not the way forward.

You've come this far, don't give up now.

Is there anything you like or liked doing? Like sport or art or writing or music, anything like that? I'd try and channel your rage into something like that. Go for a run, punch the hell out of a punch bag, write down all your thoughts and feelings. (Actually a lot of counsellors recommend writing letters to people to get down anything you want to say to your dad, mum or sister, and just keep it in a safe place or burn it or show it to somebody like your teachers or dr to make them understand a little better what you are going through). Anything little that can make your life a little easier.

Each day that you can find some happiness or stress relief (however small) is a step forward, and no doubt it's going to take a long time, but in the end you can emerge from this trauma a stronger, determined young man with his whole life ahead of him.

Fight every day so that your past doesn't define your future. With the right help and support you can make it. You can do this. Just keep on trying, I know it's hard but just keep on going.

All my love,

xxxx

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It certainly isn't in the past. If your doctor isn't helping, change doctors until you find one that will (I know that's easier in the city than in the country, but even just changing doctors within hte same practice can help). I'd recommend you ask your doctor to refer you for some psychodynamic therapy, the waiting time is long, but it can really help surprisingly well. Counselling isn't the same, btw. It's great to have someone listen, but 6-10 weeks isn't enough. Also i don't know if you've had any therapy before but there are good and bad therapists, and some approaches are better than others for you, so don't give up if you've tried it and it hasn't worked.

I know, it's so hard. The anger makes you lash out, which pushes people away, and you start to see yourself through their eyes, and feel bad about the way you're acting, which is totally unfair because they wouldn't judge you if they could see what's going on inside you. You can't let it out for fear of frightening people even more, so you clamp down on it and internalise, and feel like your only outlet is self harm. That feeling of being desperate and out of control is horrible, I do sympathise.

I can recommend diazepam for that feeling as though you're going to explode, but it's a short term solution until you can get some therapy. Please don't smoke, it has long term health effects which will last longer than your desire to self-harm, and anyway nicotine is a stimulant so might make you angrier. Making yourself physically exhausted can help temporarily. You need to talk though so first step: find a sympathetic GP.

One good thing about anger is that it can give you determination and stamina, so try to use it to get the help you need. Also it's really important that the people you snap at aren't the health professionals, because you need them on your side, for medication and referrals, and until you have your referral, anyone you speak to isn't going to be trained in psychology. Over the years I've developed a 'going to the doctor' persona: polite, humble, respectful, distressed. It's quite hard to maintain it sometimes when you've had to start from scratch with 10 different doctors/ assessors/therapists in a row and you're frustrated to breaking point, but it's a tool to get me where I need to be.

People here will help too, and even reading other people's posts can make you feel less alone. Good luck and keep checking in. 

Hey Adam

It really sounds like you're going through a terrible time. No one can fully relate to what you're going through because you are unique and we have our different walks through life. But there are people out there who can offer support in their own way with their own experience.

I found this forum and was able to reach out to people who also needed to reach out. Just typing my troubles felt good and it felt even better to have complete strangers reach out and offer their time to me.

It took many years for me to remove myself from a harmful and devastating situation. Just when you think you don't have enough strength, dig deep and fight for yourself and never stop reaching out to people even when it feels your nearest and dearest don't understand.

I take Mirtazapine too. It helps me sleep on those nights when I struggle to calm my thoughts. It took trial and error to find the right dose and I had many other medications before it. I hope you find the right medications soon, unfortunately it can often take time which, when you are desperate for help can feel soul destroying. But stick with it.

Many times I felt alone and often still do but finding comfort and trust in myself was my greatest battle and I hope and wish that you are able to find that in yourself. It won't be easy but you are definitely worth it Adam.

Please let us know how you get on.

Best wishes and hugs.

Hello Adam, Firstly i am sorry for has happened to your family. I cannot comprehend what you are going through. You must also feel abandoned by your friends and girlfriend, no excuses for them but i think they may not know how to help and support you so instead cut themselves off. I have worked for Victim Support a few years ago and i know that if you get in touch with them they offer a service for people who have been bereaved because of murder of their families. Phone national or your local Victim Support. This service is free and confidential. Go back to your GP and tell them how you are feeling. Anger is part of the bereavement process, You maybe suffering PTSD and you really need proffessional help to deal with all these feelings and emotions. You are very young to have been through such terrible things. You have lost most of your close family. Your grandparents will be finding it hard to deal with the losses too and you are all too emotionally involved to help one another. Please don't suffer alone. Don't take your pain out on yourself by self harming. Keep talking here, we all care.

Elizabeth.