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i have been severely depressed since beginning this year, I have physical health issues which have ruined my life and the pain and misery of them is just too much now.
Add to that a family who absolutely hate me, you know your family hate you when they tell you that nothing would give them greater pleasure than the hope that you die under the wheels of a car and the whole family would be so much happier if I were not here. Think the only reason I have hung on so long is because I'm an awkward so and so who wouldn't give them the satisfaction.
i knew my depression was bad when I didn't wash for four months and have been in the same clothing since January. No one wants me, even my own psychiatrist dumped me, saying he couldn't help me anymore. That was a couple of years ago.
i used to self harm, past eight years I have been clean, relapsed big time this year. Switched from burning now I cut. Having OCD means I make lots of neat parrallell cuts. Have never sought treatment when I self harm. Hospitals have enough to deal with than wasting their valuable time on people who self injure, people like me do not deserve treatment.
Having physical health issues means I am back and forth to hospital and A and E like a boomerang and once the staff see my self harm injuries and scars then I can wave goodbye to having my physical health problem taken seriously.
hell, you wouldn't ask someone with cancer why they had no hair so what right have hospital staff got to with hold medical treatment from me because i harm? do they think I enjoy it? One time, in with suspected appendicitis a Dr refused to treat me unless I told him why my hands and arms were scarred. They were the burn scars from years ago.
even during my colonoscopy last year a nurse decided she wanted to chat to me as to why I was mutilated. Not a discussion I want to have at that moment.
now with this depression I have never felt anything like it. I feel like I am drowning and if I just stop breathing all the pain and misery will go away. I joined another forum earlier this year and people there directed me to an Austrlian group who have a book out on Euthanasia.
i bought the book and now I have the knowledge to end my life should I choose to, peacefully and quickly. I won't say I have the means, would not incriminate myself.
strange thing is despite this I am still here. I guess I am not ready to exit yet but I want the pain to stop. Problem is I see no way that things are going to get better, this blackness is engulfing me, nobody cares, family have no intention of trying to save me or stop me.
people say it gets better but what if it doesn't. My health issues are not going to go away, my family are not going to have an epiphany and decide they love me, I feel I cannot function anymore and eventually i will break and that will be it.
sorry if I am rambling or being boring.
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