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No reason to stay, every reason to go

Posted , 8 users are following.

Elvesdoitbetter
Elvesdoitbetter

i have been severely depressed since beginning this year, I have physical health issues which have ruined my life and the pain and misery of them is just too much now.

Add to that a family who absolutely hate me, you know your family hate you when they tell you that nothing would give them greater pleasure than the hope that you die under the wheels of a car and the whole family would be so much happier if I were not here. Think the only reason I have hung on so long is because I'm an awkward so and so who wouldn't give them the satisfaction.

i knew my depression was bad when I didn't wash for four months and have been in the same clothing since January. No one wants me, even my own psychiatrist dumped me, saying he couldn't help me anymore. That was a couple of years ago.

i used to self harm, past eight years I have been clean, relapsed big time this year. Switched from burning now I cut. Having OCD means I make lots of neat parrallell cuts. Have never sought treatment when I self harm. Hospitals have enough to deal with than wasting their valuable time on people who self injure, people like me do not deserve treatment.

Having physical health issues means I am back and forth to hospital and A and E like a boomerang and once the staff see my self harm injuries and scars then I can wave goodbye to having my physical health problem taken seriously.

hell, you wouldn't ask someone with cancer why they had no hair so what right have hospital staff got to with hold medical treatment from me because i harm? do they think I enjoy it? One time, in with suspected appendicitis a Dr refused to treat me unless I told him why my hands and arms were scarred. They were the burn scars from years ago.

even during my colonoscopy last year a nurse decided she wanted to chat to me as to why I was mutilated. Not a discussion I want to have at that moment.

now with this depression I have never felt anything like it. I feel like I am drowning and if I just stop breathing all the pain and misery will go away. I joined another forum earlier this year and people there directed me to an Austrlian group who have a book out on Euthanasia.

i bought the book and now I have the knowledge to end my life should I choose to, peacefully and quickly. I won't say I have the means, would not incriminate myself.

strange thing is despite this I am still here. I guess I am not ready to exit yet but I want the pain to stop. Problem is I see no way that things are going to get better, this blackness is engulfing me, nobody cares, family have no intention of trying to save me or stop me.

people say it gets better but what if it doesn't. My health issues are not going to go away, my family are not going to have an epiphany and decide they love me, I feel I cannot function anymore and eventually i will break and that will be it.

sorry if I am rambling or being boring.

 

1 like, 21 replies

21 Replies

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  • Elvesdoitbetter
    Elvesdoitbetter

    Posted

    Forgot to add, I suffer social phobia so have no friends, also suffer anxiety. My family problems are because my mother died giving birth to me. My family never forgave me for that. After my step mother died from cancer my family decided it was open season on me and declared war, not holding back how much they hated me, how I should have died instead, how a wonderful life ended bring such a sad pathetic creature into the world.

    when I used to burn myself years ago they used to make fun of me and laugh at me. When I'm dead they will probably throw a party. I feel nothing for them now, the things they said about my step mum, the only bright spot in my life, can never be forgiven or taken back. I don't care what they say about me but no one says bad things about my mum.

    i take some comfort that should I go then my end will be very painless and quick. I guess I'm a coward at suffering. Knowing my luck though I will probably manage to screw that up. I think of suicide every day, every minute of the day. I have one elderly relative left still caring for. I am trying to make it to christmas for him. He knows I am suicidal and have the means and yet not even he has tried to stop me.

    i had an uncle kill himself with weedkiller, a horrible death, took him a week to die, my relative reckons I will self destruct like him. I don't think I can come back from this now.

  • jake12070
    jake12070 Elvesdoitbetter

    Posted

    Hey elves, really sad reading all that sad

    I'm in a similar position at the minute although not quite as serious but I have been depressed for years now, anxiety, social phobias.. I have no friends except for one and no family except my step dad, the rest have caused me so many problems making me jus hate myself..

    I took the stupid idea of coming to australia to snap myself out of this thinking maybe it was just being in that environment and not actually being depressed

    I have had anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts and nearly cut myself last week and still can't come home until next Wednesday, my mood changes have got really bad... One minute I'm fine and in denial I even need help and the next I can't even get out of bed and thoughts of harming myself become like the only way to release what I have inside of me.. 

    Thankfully I came here the other week when I was close to the edge and had people support me and still are which I can't say how much I appreciate... Never forget that your not alone in this and there are always people who will help, I and anyone here will support you mate I know what it's like to have absolutely nothing and nobody who understands you.. Just having a chat to someone who gets how you feel is very reassuring and eventually snaps me out of my lows..

    I can't really give advice as I desperately want to come home before I get any worse and see my do for but if you ever need to talk I'll be happy to, stay strong mate I know it's hard x

    Take care smile

    • Elvesdoitbetter
      Elvesdoitbetter jake12070

      Posted

      Thanks Jake, means a lot and I hope things improve for you and you get the help and support you need. Families really know how to screw up your life and can be the worst enemies you will ever have.
    • jake12070
      jake12070 Elvesdoitbetter

      Posted

      Sadly yes,  I have one supportive family member who has started to understand how bad I am, the rest have caused me so much pain I won't ever forgive them

      Sometimes wonder what I did to deserve such a mess of a life, try to be as caring and nice as I can and just get beat down every time. 

  • elizabeth20203
    elizabeth20203 Elvesdoitbetter

    Posted

    Hi, I am sorry to hear how your feeling. I can empathise with some of your pain as i had a very difficult chidhood, my father told me he hoped i would die on a plane i was travelling on at age 17 my first holiday ever at the time. He beat me up in the front garden of my best friend saying he wanted to cripple me aged 13. I was raped at 14 by two older men, my father said it was my fault and called me a slut and beat me up again and so it went on. I am older now and my father is dead but it still effects me to this day, unfortunately we cannot erase bad memories. I am also disabled since aged 11 and suffer physical pain and mobility problems. My husband and a nephew commited suicide very young. The good that came out of this is i had two children and now have two grandchildren. I wasn't able to show love to my chidren in the usual way with hugs and find it difficult to say the words i love you thou my children know i love them. I adore my grandchildren they keep me going. Anyway back to yourself i would advise counselling or group therapy as this is what helped me over the years. I have also been on self confidence and low self esteem courses. Go back to your GP and ask for referals to mental health courses, is there a mind drop in near you they can be invaluble for a coffee and chat. I know this seems really hard but i must stress that nobody comes to you, you have to make the effort to get the help you need. There is hope please make that first move and i am sure other avenues will open up for you. Sorry i cannot be of more help as you need proffessional help. I am always here if you need to talk and will listen, if you want to pm me that's okay with me. Keep with this forum as people are very understanding and supportive. Jake below has also offered for you to talk to him. Elizabeth.
    • Elvesdoitbetter
      Elvesdoitbetter elizabeth20203

      Posted

      Thank you Elizabeth and I'm so sorry for what you have been through.  You have suffered so much, thank goodness you have your children and grandchildren and the love they give you.

      i am scared to go back to my g.p in case I get sectioned. My psychiatrist before he dumped me had mentioned it and I learnt to keep my mouth shut and smile that everything was wonderful.

      i know though he is going to find out I need help when he does my meds check next month, my arms will give the game away and the fact I have lost over two stone in weight. The problem is I am not sure I want to be helped. My physical health is getting worse and I just keep thinking how easy it would be to take that last step. I will speak to him though, I know I have no choice as he will want answers.

      i am glad I have found this place, it is the first forum I have come across where people such as you and Jake have actually offered advice and support.

    • jake12070
      jake12070 Elvesdoitbetter

      Posted

      Coming here and venting has stopped me doing stupid things over the past few weeks so if you ever need to talk or just get out something I'm here as will others smile

      I may have nobody but knowing at least some people care enough here to see how how I am and talk to me everyday really does help, send me a pm anytime mate.

      Don't let this be the thing to finish you off, I'm not the best with the advice as soon as I drop back into a low mood I really don't care about anything and just want to stop it all.. A few people here know how to distract me and usually snaps me out of it.

      Stay strong x

    • Elvesdoitbetter
      Elvesdoitbetter jake12070

      Posted

      Thanks Jake, this seems a really good place and people like you and Elizabeth , I never have come across people like you wanting to talk.

      last forum I joined I had people pm me offering to sell me Pisabental to end it with and others offering to be online with me if I decided to end it and encouraging me. 

      it is nice to see that people here are so different and it feels a more positive place to be. I don't know if I will survive this but I'm gonna stay on here and try.

       

    • elizabeth20203
      elizabeth20203 Elvesdoitbetter

      Posted

      Hi, Thou we are all strangers here most of us care about each other. We may not always be able to advice but we can listen and just knowing that is a great support. I am not to bad at the moment but i have some very dark days and thou i have my children and they know about my childhood they find it difficult to talk or listen to me, family are not always the best people to support you as they cannot cope with the issues that have

      affected me all my life. My inlaws have always blamed me for my husbands death, not directly but i know how they feel. I no longer see them which suits me. I implore you not to take your own life your worth

      more than that, thou at the moment you may not feel that. ( my husband died under a train ) and the pain me and my girls have suffered has been immence, and something we will never get over, we live with it. He was

      28 and my girls were 3yrs and 5yrs at the time. Needless to say i have never had any family support since. Anyway i try not to dwell on the past except on my very dark days. Please talk whenever you want, i will not judge you. Speak to your GP, life can get better please believe that. Keep in touch. Hugs Elizabeth.

       

    • jake12070
      jake12070 Elvesdoitbetter

      Posted

      Don't mention it mate just come here to vent and release whenever you want, everyone truely understands how you feel and I'll do all I can to help smile

      Before I came here I'd never spoke to somebody who understood me, just family who thought I should just grow up.

      I found that just typing out my feelings onto word or something when I get low to really help, I'm the type of person who has to release what I'm thinking or I bottle it up and that's when things get really bad. I used to think writing down how you feel sounded ridiculous but it's saved me so far. But yeah I'm always here if you need to talk smile

      Take care x

    • Elvesdoitbetter
      Elvesdoitbetter elizabeth20203

      Posted

      Hi Elizabeth, you are right about family, they can be the ones who hurt you the most. I often think people without them, who are alone, are really lucky not to have to deal with the hurt families cause.

      my uncle killed himself with paraquat by drinking it. He left a wife and 5 children behind and when he died his mother and her family blamed my aunt and disowned them, the kids lost their grandmother and family overnight.

      i still feel angry with him, he had a reason to stay and it took him a week to die.

      i will stay on here and keep in touch, this is a nice place I am finding and really nice people and will speak to my Dr.

    • Elvesdoitbetter
      Elvesdoitbetter jake12070

      Posted

      this is the first time I ever wrote anything down and I have never spoke to anyone really about this, people are not interested and im not very good at speaking direct to people and yeah it does help writing it down. 

      Thanks Jake.

    • jake12070
      jake12070 Elvesdoitbetter

      Posted

      Always here for you mate remember that smile

      Glad writing things down help, releases a lot for me and calms me down smile

    • elizabeth20203
      elizabeth20203 jake12070

      Posted

      Hi Jake, you are right that writing things down can really help, and to know that people will read and try to understand is half the battle. Hope your okay at the moment. Elizabeth.
    • jake12070
      jake12070 elizabeth20203

      Posted

      Hey Elizabeth, yeah I never thought it would help but it really has.

      Sorry for everything you have been through, nobody deserves that and you are so strong for dealing with it all and being where you are now. 

      Hope you're doing ok aswell and take care x

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