No sex life

Posted , 13 users are following.

I left my husband about 4 years ago and came back about 18 months since. We had sex once nut i have never even touched him since. I just dont feel like sex anymore. I used to be very sexually active. Am i being selfish in not making any moves. We have been on several holidays since I returned but i never tried to initiate sex. I know this really upsets him but should I worry? 1 have had sweats and night sweats for about 3 years. I am 55

4 likes, 15 replies

Report / Delete

15 Replies

  • Posted

    Hiya I have been peri for 3 years now and I'm the same. Even if he initiates it I'm still not interested. I am scared he will walk away but at the same time his understanding. I just feel so bad aswell. Your not alone hun I think alot of us feel like this xx

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    I feel like this too, not interested in Sex, been like this for a while.
    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Kazia 

    I have the same issue. I used to be very sexually active too. I’ve been with my current husband for 6 years. For the last year I haven’t had any desire for sex. My last period was almost 10 months ago. I am not sexually attracted to anyone and have no desire to be touched sexually. We had sex once back in April but it was painful and that turned me off for good. I feel terrible about it and I know it’s not fair to my husband and it’s not him, I don’t desire anyone. Ugh, gonna talk to my GYN when I go in November.

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Hi kazia,

    Are you on any hormone replacement? At your age you can be certain your main hormones that kept that sex life functioning properly are pretty much at the bottom or gone. Your body just isn't going to produce them like they have before. I think a lot of women don't want to be on hormone replacement or can't take them for various reasons but just getting on testosterone replacement can help you. Doctors don't like testing our hormones, I got to believe because they are costly lab tests that the insurance companies probably frown on. There are bio identical creams and pellets that can help these symptoms. So many women before and after menopause want to give up their intimate life because their desire is gone, they hurt, no natural lubrication, loss of sensitivity and last but not least very difficult to ever achieve a orgasm anymore. Gee, why would women not like sex anymore? Intimacy can go well into our senior years as long as both partners are healthy and wanting to keep that part of their life in tact. Proper fixes have to be put in place. I'm 58, been menopausal for over three years now. I got on bio identical creams within 6 months of my periods ending consisting of estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. I just recently got the pellets implanted so I don't have to rub the creams on daily anymore. A minor inconvenience by the way to feel good. My husband is on testosterone replacement through pellets too and it has changed our intimate life totally. Good Luck

    Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Jude,

      I always appreciate your posts! In addition to the lack of desire - I sometimes experience dryness which makes it uncomfortable. I have started with the over the counter progesterone cream and of the books I have read, it says it can take 3-4 months to restore moisture to the vagina.  I am seeing marked improvements in many areas; both physical and emotional. However - I am open to the bio-identical as I want a quality of life with my husband. MANY MANY women experience amazing sex in their 70's and 80's without any hormones - I had no idea that not all women experience vaginal dryness. Unfortunately I am in the percentage that does but I am not giving up! smile 

      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      I am 46 and my sex drive has been  gone a couple of years.  My GP just said I should exercise and do nice things for myself and buy lingerie🙄. She is obviously not going through this yet.  Her advice will probably be very different in about 20 years.  I would like to try a low dose of testosterone to see if it would help. 

      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Hi 2chr2015,

      Oh yes, I too had a young female GP. She was not much help at this stage of my life.  They have no idea what is happening and how women are feeling until they have gone through it too. I am anxious to see how she feels about this menopause stuff in 10 years when she will be dealing with it too. I knew the route I wanted to take was not going to come easy through the general practice doctors and their protocol so I started seeing a holistic dr for my lab work and hormone replacement. Best decision I could have made. I think most women can benefit at this stage in their lives from testosterone replacement. It is not just for libido, it is good for a host of other things including our well being. 

      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply Jude.  I know I need to do something.  And on the other hand I worry I might make other symptoms worse and I don’t know how much more I can take lol
      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Good gracious...if buying lingerie helped, we'd all be getting some. I have found doctors are not always smart or caring. Maybe it is time to find a new (older) doctor who first-handedly understands meno. Although, mine was in her 60s and still had stupid advice like the lingerie. Yes, exercise helps with mind and body but it won't get your motor running if your hormones are going crazy. Be careful with testosterone. See if there is a Menopause Specialist or Practitioner in your area. Hugs! -Kazjo

      Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Hi Ladies! Same here. I'm 54 and for about 2 years I've had zero sex drive. I don't think about it, I don't even miss it. I'm single and I guess that's good because I don't have to turn anyone down and have an argument ensue. I do hope this changes because any time I think I may want to date (I'd like to eventually find a companion for my older age) I think maybe I've got nothing (or not enough) to offer. Makes me sad. I got a Yoni egg but have not tried it and I have Progessence Plus but not sure if it will help. I need to give it a try but I'm afraid of side effects. Maybe if I found an attractive man that I like (wish me luck), I may have some "stirrings below"...LOL. Here's hoping. But I just want to say that this is clearly a normal and unfortunate part of meno. You are not alone and that is important to know. -K

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    So glad this message was written as i feel the same too. Im 52 and have not had a period since January. I still had intimacy with up husband until 3months ago. I dont even think about sex and i find it upsetting as i love my husband whom ive been with for 7 years and we had always had an active sex life until resently. The past 2 times it hurt and so all im able to do is oral. Im not on hrt as not good idea for me. I use Tingly durex lube which is nice but doesnt stop me from hurting. Im so glad that it wasnt just me and other women suffer this. Any comments would be great.
    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Just remember it does not always need to be penatrative sex, sometimes just being close is good, and you can always use your hands to keep him occupied and happy, my other half is petrified of hurting me, so now we just often "play" rather than think lets have sex, I hope that makes sense.  He will not walk away, if you chat about it - I admit the chatting I did was in bed with the lights off, as I was unsure I could tell him face to face as it were, seems silly really, I was always the sex maniac in our relationship.  Stay strong xx

    Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Great feedback thank you. I have a wonderful hubby who understands and doesnt put any pressure on me. Im just so shocked that i would feel like this as i was always wanting the intimacy when we could get it as we have a teenage daughter who wants my attention too, so her being at school during the day was brilliant. It just started this year. Gonna look into more things we can try out.
      Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Hi Kazia,

    I just wanted to give a male’s perspective on the issue of a lack of intimacy.  First of all, I am only speaking for myself and not for every man whose partner is perimenopausal or menopausal.

    The lack of intimacy is hard because there is nothing better than cuddling your partner and giving them pleasure.  In giving them comfort, you derive pleasure as well, and that feeling is incredible.  Conversely, being rejected by your partner is soul destroying.  That is why communication is vital, but I know how hard that can be.  Consider telling him that you are still in love, you find him attractive, and there is no one else you want.  Explain how you feel and how it is down to a lack of testosterone and other hormones and it has nothing to do with him. 

    You are not being selfish it’s just the way you feel.  I miss the intimacy my wife and I used to share.  It can destroy ones’ confidence and cause arguments.  I love my wife dearly and she is my best friend but I cannot deny I miss sex.  I don’t initiate sex anymore because of rejection, and when we rarely make love, my wife is not as committed as I am and that can be worse than being rejected.  I have told her that we don’t need to have sex anymore.  I think my wife was secretly relieved when I said this.  I can only hope this will remove any pressure she may feel, and one day my wife will want to make love to me.  Until then I try to be understanding and patient, but some days it’s tough.

    Reading everything I can about the menopause and joining these types of forums have helped me.

    The more you talk the better it will be.

    Good luck to the both of you. 

    Regards

     

    Brandon

    Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Thank you, Brandon, for weighing in. Your story helps and it's important for us women to see it from your side in an honest way. Lack of libido is why I don't bother to go out and date. Sometimes I feel like I'll just be alone forever now. I'm ok with that but at the same time, I'm also ok with having a nice companion. Thank you again for taking the time to not only write but for doing what you can to understand what your wife is going through.  -Kazjo

      Report / Delete Reply

Join this discussion or start a new one?

New discussion Reply

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the forums to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the forums are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the forums is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.

newnav-down newnav-up