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I’m never into hurting myself physically and i am not the type who run away from something just because it got complicated. I’ve always been on the safe side of things, i think, i analyze and consider the consequences of my actions. Most importantly, I make sure i can live with whatever the outcome is. I’m independent. I live alone and support myself, financially and I can do whatever I want. This is how I wanted to live my life! So I should be happy, right. Well, I am, however, lately, i’ve been feeling down, bored, tired even if I am not so busy at all, and just losing my motivation to keep going. I usually convince myself that there’s more to life and that I should not take for granted the life i’ve been given. It used to change my perspective. But now, there’s nothing at all that I can pacify myself. Like if only not for the hassle of my death, I would prefer to be dead. But then I don’t want to trouble people especially that I am not in my home country at the moment. But I wished I can just stop time. Then I realized, that I am still alive and there is no other option but to go on. So I kept going and will keep going just because there is no other choice. I thought of suicide but I am aware how awful it is to take my own life and I just can’t.
I am tired of convincing myself there are more to this life because now I can see that there is really nothing for me out there.
I don’t want to keep going but I don’t want to take my life either.
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