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No urge to mother

Posted , 4 users are following.

elizabeth24087
elizabeth24087

Hi guys, I've just found this site and it could be a godsend. I have never been a wildly mummyish person to my 8 year old but I have increasingly felt my urge to fetch, clean, feed, water get less and less to the point where if I didnt ever have to do them again I would be extremely happy, they feel like such an imposition and I internally scream when faced with these tasks.

I thought I was starting to go mad

I'm 46 

Thanks 

1 like, 11 replies

11 Replies

  • Suki_girl
    Suki_girl elizabeth24087

    Posted

    Are you in perimenopause, do you think? I know myself and others on these menopause forums feel that we have lost our 'oomph' or get go and find it very hard to sum up any will to do anything or any will to care about anything.

    • elizabeth24087
      elizabeth24087 Suki_girl

      Posted

      Hey Suki, thank you so much for replying. I don't know if I'm technically in p/menopause I've made an appt at the docs for next weeks . But I've definitely felt a significant shift in my urge to do the 'caring' duties that's beyond just feeling fed up. I think on an instinctive level I know that I am. How are you feeling? Xxx

    • elizabeth24087
      elizabeth24087

      Posted

      Apparently p/menopause  does go hand in hand with feeling less maternal the less oestrogen the less the drive to do these things, the higher the internal resistance to them 
    • Suki_girl
      Suki_girl elizabeth24087

      Posted

      I have little drive to do anything much - mosting getting on with my work and exercising (which I need to do to get rid of this belly!). I'm ok with my kids (12 and 14), concentrating on them is a good distraction. My main menopausal symptoms are unpredictable and heavy periods, vaginal dryness (I use oestrogen cream for that), hot flushes and night sweats. An of course the lethargy which I am fighting.

      i guess you are having similar problem to me in the you had children late so now are having to cope with menopause and school age children! And, in my case, a frail, depressed, anxious elderly mother.

    • elizabeth24087
      elizabeth24087 Suki_girl

      Posted

      I hear you, my symptoms are mainly emotional I feel very unsteady like I'm a teenager. That's good that it hasn't affected your relationship with your kids- I feel so guilty all the time 

      Yes it's caring at both ends of the spectrum kids and parents- I haven't got there yet. 

      Are you taking any supplements or meds for it? 

      Do you ever feel very energetic and driven in specific areas but not in others? 

      Thanks for your help here x 

  • Suki_girl
    Suki_girl elizabeth24087

    Posted

    I don't feel particularly energetic about anything right now. But I'm not depressed or anxious. I have a fulfilling job (research into how best to support people living with dementia) and a wonderful family. When I feel like not doing much, you know, I don't feel guilty about it (I've never really been a guilty feeling sort of person), I think, hey this will pass. And I remember what I was told after I had my first child (Caesarian) which was just to take it easy on myself, don't try to do too much, do as much as you feel like. 

    i take loads of suppliments: zinc, calcium, iron, magnesium, caprylic acid, garlic, hyaloronic acid, cinnamon, oregano oil, sea buckthorn oil, B vitamins, vit d, vit e, probiotics, cranberry extract. Some are for menopause, some for vaginal wall condition and some are anti thrush because at the beginning of perimenopause I had a lot of stubborn thrush infections. I also eat no refined sugar, no dairy and no meat (only fish).

    I don't know if it is my character or my experiences (I worked with people with disabilities, I lived in the Far East and I now work with people living with dementia) but I know there are a lot worse things than what we are going through and I tend to have a positive outlook. I do a bit of reading into mindfulness and Buddhism. I try to live by the Buddhist cooking metaphor for life: that you already have all the ingredients to make the supreme meal, you just have to open your eye to see it. Working with people with dementia has also taught me to enjoy every moment now because one day you won't won't be able to remember a good moment a few minutes after it has happened!

    • elizabeth24087
      elizabeth24087 Suki_girl

      Posted

      Thanks Suki, I will look into supplements. You sound like a relaxed person and you sound like you've got a lot of good balance in your life. I'm by nature a  more anxious and prone to the physical symptoms of anxiety which are a total pain. 

      Best wishes to you xxxx

       

    • Suki_girl
      Suki_girl elizabeth24087

      Posted

      Sorry to hear that you are more prone to anxiety. My brother was like that but he was helped by going on a mindfulness course. You might benefit from that. It teaches you how not to ruminate, how to live in the here and now and appreciate the moment fully. There are lots of book on it, but I recommend the one by the people who developed mindfulness cognitive therapy (Mark Williams and Danny Penman). Now my brother is much more in control of his thoughts and feelings. My mother is just a mess of anxiety and fear since my dad died. She is is a care home now because she was not eating and nearly died of lack of sodium and potassium and incorrect self medication. My daughter was also showing a tendency to be that way, so I did a bit of cognitive therapy on her and she seems much better. I guess it is because I am a researcher that I naturally approach everything like this: something is wrong, there must be a way to correct it, I do my research and find a way.  I relise not everything in life is that simple, but that is my approach.

  • kelly55079
    kelly55079 elizabeth24087

    Posted

    YES..  no urge to do anything!!!  We are so busy with these kids and a neighbor was just saying yesterday to me.. that I need to enjoy this time now because once they are in college that's it..  I was thinking to myself there is no way I will be sad.  I will totally enjoy the time to myself because I can barely get by now.  If you ask the kids they would I'm very protective of them BUT really I can't wait till they are launched!!  My spouse goes to every game and meet-- I get to a few just because I can't do it all.  Of course we eat dinner but it's usually the bare minimum lately-- or just order pizza.  It just takes a lot of effort..  I'm napping more, exercising, eating more protein and veggies and drinking more water.  Hopefully this phase of 'I don't want to do anything' will go by quickly. 

    • Suki_girl
      Suki_girl kelly55079

      Posted

      Hey Kelly, look after yourself. This will pass. That is how I console myself. We know that it will end, whether it be in weeks, months or years, it will end. I know how horrible it is to live every day in chronic pain, thinking (and being told by medical consultants) it will not end, waking every morning to find the pain still there and knowing the next day will be the same, and the next day... seeing no end in sight. Luckily for me I found a good doctor and it did end.
  • Suki_girl
    Suki_girl elizabeth24087

    Posted

    Hi Elizabeth, I just found this on a perimenopause blog:

    Dr. Brizendine says that during perimenopause there is a hormonal shift which occurs that actually “rewires a woman’s brain” in such a way that she becomes less nurturing, less motherly, less willing to put herself second to the needs of others and much more apt to decide that she’s had enough of many things that heretofore, she may have happily accepted with no fuss whatsoever.

    Thatbexaolins a few things ...

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