No where else to turn..

I need to vent, and didn’t know where else to turn. 

I’ve been struggling with my health for a long time. I was a completely normal kid-active, energetic, happy. Unfortunately, my good memories of life end there. 

I’m not exactly sure when my life and health took a turn for the worse. It was probably sometime during my teenage years. Nothing over the top traumatic happened to me; I just felt like I was running out of gas. Things that I enjoyed were taking more and more energy, and I was having to force myself to to them. I wasn’t sleeping well. Overall, I just didn’t feel right. My parents didn’t take me seriously, so I had to deal with it the best I could.

When I was about 19, I decided to get over my fear of the doctor and try to figure out what was wrong. I got all the typical tests, but of course everything came out normal and I was told I was just depressed. From the ages of 19-23, I was on so many different antidepressants. I lost count of how many. I don’t even have a guess. What I do know is that none of them helped me. In fact, they all made me feel worse. I gave up on medication and told myself that I was just dealt a bad hand, and this was how life was gonna be for me. 

So I continued to work and socialize and pretend like nothing was wrong with me. I pushed and pushed and pushed until my body literally could not push anymore. In the last year, I have lost almost everything. My job, all of my friends, and, most importantly, my desire to live. I am extremely lucky to have a boyfriend who wants to see me get better, so I started another health journey. Here is everything I’ve had diagnosed in a few short months:

Colonoscopy and endoscopy confirmed H Pylori infection, a torturous colon (meaning it’s too long for my body and has to twist and bend in order to fit, so basically I will always be constipated no matter what I do), and internal hemorrhoids. I was put on a 10 day antibiotics course for the H Pylori and had to stop after one week due to horrible side effects. I am waiting to see if that week of antibiotics happened to cure me, but I doubt it did because I feel the same. My GI refuses to give me a stool test to check for other co-infections that go with H pylori for whatever reason. I suspect either parasites or mold toxicity, but I won’t know for sure until I find someone who will test me. 

Urodynamics testing confirmed I have pelvic floor dysfunction, which is absolutely HORRIBLE to live with. I have to pee every 5 minutes (not exaggerating), and it definitely doesn’t stop at night no matter how early I quit drinking fluids. So, I don’t sleep. Period. My urologist also noticed some abnormal swelling, and ordered an MRI of my pelvis immediately (which I am currently waiting to have done). I have seen multiple different OB/GYNs and expressed the same symptoms to all of them (urinary issues, pain during and after intercourse, abnormal bleeding, a LOT of discharge), and they all just tested me for yeast, STDs, and cervical cancer, DESPITE me telling them I had already tested negative for those things. It was a urologist of all people who told me I may have a cyst (or something worse) that everyone else is missing. 

So, my day to day symptoms include urinating non stop and getting no sleep because of it, leakage of urine, feeling backed up despite having bowel movements every day, undigested food particles in my stool, extremely malnourished (weak nails, weak hair, weak muscles, weak everything), difficulty maintaining my weight (and I really can’t afford to lose anymore), gnawing pain in my stomach, nausea, constant beaching, rapid heart rate, sweaty palms, face, and chest, dizziness, muscles twitching everywhere, extreme exhaustion and fatigue (I can barely shower or take my dog out), brain fog/memory problems, trouble concentrating, constant thirst and dry mouth, painful intercourse, painful periods, tons of discharge, ringing in ears, constant headache, dry eyes, sore throat, and, as if ALL that wasn’t enough to deal with, my wisdom teeth decided to start coming in at the age of 29, after years and years of dentists telling me that I was gonna be one of the lucky ones who doesn’t need their wisdom teeth out. My mouth is extremely small, so it is in a ton of pain as well. I used to have gum disease also, and despite it being gone, the damage that was done to my bone and gums isn’t reversible, so my mouth was already in pain from that. All these symptoms are, of course, on top of the deliberating depression I’ve been going through. 

I guess my question is..how on God’s green earth do I get past all this? Where do I even begin? I have prayed every night for God to either give me the strength to get through this, or end my suffering by taking my life. Neither has happened. I’ve tried talking to counselors, but honestly it just makes it worse because they act like what I’m going through is all in my head/not that bad, and then try to give me drugs. I want to see a Holistic Doctor SO bad, but it costs soooooo much money. I don’t know what to do. I pushed all my friends away, my family gave up on me a long time ago; all I have is my boyfriend, and he can only do so much for me. I don’t necessarily want sympathy, but I want to understand why I got stuck with this life. What did I do? I’m not a bad person, and I see so many people who do far worse things than I do, yet they are happy and healthy. If everything happens for a reason, then why is this happening to me? I’m not even 30 and I feel like I have been dying a slow death. I just want it to end so badly. If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading. If you respond, thank you even more. 

I don’t know how or why I’m still here..

1 like, 4 replies