No where to turn
Posted , 6 users are following.
a year ago a close relation inflicted severe trauma, and continues to cause trauma involving police and courts and court orders. the situation is not likely to change until at least april 2021 but possibly not then if the current trend
continues. i am diagnosed with sever depression and high anxiety all of situational or reactional causation. this means it doesnt respond to medication or to therapy. CMHT have discharged me 4 times, i have seen psychologists, psychiatrists, front line counsellors and DV counsellors. i am totally isolated with no support and do not feel that i want to live. i am well aware of my ability to make a new life but it is a life that doesnt appeal to me in the slightest, in fact i find the thought horrific. because i wont conform i cant be helped
apparently. yesterday was 2 arguments to crisis support in my area, samaritans, and sane line before i hit a handful of sleeping pills and today has been 3 calls to crisis support, call to CMHT, visit to GP, 6 hours in a&e, and an hour in the safe haven. i feel
no different, i still wish i was dead, i still have plans in place and yet i am asked to wait for tomorrow. nothing changes tomorrow .... any wise
words of wisdom?
1 like, 15 replies
lynda62707 lisa73551
Posted
DON'T DO IT!!!!
ONCE YOU DO, THERE'S NO TURNING BACK!
diane98246 lisa73551
Posted
I am so sorry for this terrible situation that is ruining your very existence emotionally and materially. This site will respond with quick and thorough advice.
But I think maybe your vision of a “new life” is being colored by your depression and anxiety.
Would it be possible for you to set foot mentally in to this new life without feeling any enthusiasm for it at the beginning.
A new life can begin while the old and traumatizing one is slowly tapering off.
Baby steps.
And please pamper yourself and indulge yourself and get plenty of rest with simple, easy pleasures even though you may not be in the mood for pleasure.
This is the best I can offer - hope it’s of some help to you.
lisa73551
Posted
Hi, thanks for replying. I understand logic that my depression may be clouding my judgement of a new lief however I am 48 years old and the life I am being forced into is one I have fought against all my life, and whilst I dont want to insult anyone else who is living that life and may be enjoying it, my adult years have been spent glad and safe in the knowledge that it wasnt me. I've only had depression for a year so i dont think its that which is clouding my judgement. i have had to take baby steps into this new life and when i have spoken to people on groups such as this i am praised and how well ive done and it will be great when i can do these things more often and the fact of having to do it even once more has me screaming out that its not the life i want.
i can only really explain it in terms of say, working all the hours you can and going without and that really hard struggle to raise the money to buy a house that you dont like, you dont want and you dont want to live in. It will take every ounce of your being to get to this house but you dont like it and dont want to live there and you know its not a stepping stone - this is permanent. I cant explain it and I dont want to offend people but its like scrimping a saving for a hysterectomy when what you want is a baby. I dont like what they are trying to turn me into, its against everything I am. So therefore they say they cant help me.
if the life they want me to work on is all there is, then the bottle of pills are more interesting. I dont know what to do and I don't know what i am waiting for. A miracle i guess but they dont happen.
lisa73551
Posted
Hi, thanks for replying. I understand logic that my depression may be clouding my judgement of a new lief however I am 48 years old and the life I am being forced into is one I have fought against all my life, and whilst I dont want to insult anyone else who is living that life and may be enjoying it, my adult years have been spent glad and safe in the knowledge that it wasnt me. I've only had depression for a year so i dont think its that which is clouding my judgement. i have had to take baby steps into this new life and when i have spoken to people on groups such as this i am praised and how well ive done and it will be great when i can do these things more often and the fact of having to do it even once more has me screaming out that its not the life i want.
i can only really explain it in terms of say, working all the hours you can and going without and that really hard struggle to raise the money to buy a house that you dont like, you dont want and you dont want to live in. It will take every ounce of your being to get to this house but you dont like it and dont want to live there and you know its not a stepping stone - this is permanent. I cant explain it and I dont want to offend people but its like scrimping a saving for a hysterectomy when what you want is a baby. I dont like what they are trying to turn me into, its against everything I am. So therefore they say they cant help me.
if the life they want me to work on is all there is, then the bottle of pills are more interesting. I dont know what to do and I don't know what i am waiting for. A miracle i guess but they dont happen.
hypercat lisa73551
Posted
I am puzzled how someone can have such power over you to force you to do anything you don't want to? Or to force you to live a life you don't want so you only see suicide as the way out?
The only way I am aware this could happen is if you have forfeited your rights by committing a crime and are locked up in jail or a mental hospital for years, but is actioned by the State and not an individual.
Also I don't agree that situational or reactive depression can't be helped with meds and/or counselling. A few people are treatment resistant but this depends more on the individual and not the type of depression. You said you won't conform but by the same token don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
I really hope you can see a way through this and accept any help you are offered x
lisa73551 hypercat
Posted
no crime, no forfeit etc. My family is all I care about in the world and they have caused a situation where i am totally isolated from them. This isolation from them is my main depression cause. front line therapy, CBT and DV focused therapy over time have shown no improvement. antidepressants have shown no improvement including changes to doses and types. what i am being told is that i must forget my family exist and build the life of a lone single independent woman, rebuild the family business on my own, build a social life on my own. i cant stand being on my own, hate it vehemently and always have but now they want me to enjoy my own company. i have social anxiety, dont like people eapecially dont like groups and dont like meeting people or even speaking to people on the phone but they want me to create a friendship group and make a social life. i dont like social things. its a whole new life and the options are i fester on my own which is driving me insane as i cant stand being alone or i do all this they want me to do, which i tried which i hated and in all those scenarios the bottle of pills looks better. so thats my predicament.
diane98246 lisa73551
Posted
Sorry to but in on a convo between yourself and hypercat but I just wanted to share one important thing with you.
Beware of people who want to shape you into a mold that doesnt fit or suit your personality type. There are introverts and there are extroverts, both equally valid.
I agree with the 'rebuilding' advice but it sounds like they're trying to force you to live the social life of an extrovert when you aren't one.
lisa73551 diane98246
Posted
no worries about butting in. i joined a social group last night becuase this is what therapy says i must fo to rebuild my lofe and the more people tried to speak to me (and i was polite and pleasant etc) the more i knew i didnt want to do it and i didnt like it but i hate being on my own so what do i do. ive just come home from the doctors again to try to find help and i was crying and in crisis before i even got to the front door. i will be like this all night until i take a sleeping tablet to knock me out. last night i took a zopiclone roughly every 4 hours to get me theough to this appointment today. i dont know what to do.
diane98246 lisa73551
Posted
I’m so sorry you’re having such emotional upheaval right now, but please continue to post here at this forum.
I am an introvert by nature but I’ve had a fair amount of experience with groups and I don’t remember them being all that helpful and certainly not as helpful as one-on-one therapy which is where I’ve learned the most and made the most progress. Of course it’s essential that you have the right therapist and the fit is good.
There are good fits and bad fits and I’ve had experience with both. In fact my last therapist was very wrong for me and I had to quit.
lisa73551 diane98246
Posted
just how long do you keep doing this for? every day is torture. ive done the one on one therapy with various therapists and i didnt not get on with any of them just they have no magic trick to change the way i feel. today i am being told i am going to be sent to a complex trauma psycotherapy centre ... great! are they going to change the way my family are behaving to change my situation so that i can feel better - of course not! so the situation that causes me to want to end my life is still prevalent so how does that help? i dont want to learn how to live a second rate existence ... i dont feel the need to exist because i am a breathing object, i feel the need to be loved and cared for by the family i worked hard to achieve. no therapy can change that
diane98246 lisa73551
Posted
Hi again, Lisa. I cannot pretend to understand the depth of your suffering. I have the deepest respect for you and what you’re going through humbles me.
I am no authority by any means but I truly believe there are answers for every individual who suffers if they will just hang in there until the light begins to dawn.
The therapist supplies support and absorbs your pain as you talk but they do not supply answers. Those must come from inside ourselves. This was bad news for me at first but later I came to understand how strengthening it is to know that we have our own answers and no one else can supply them.
It sounds like you are experiencing a huge amount of frustration with your family. If they're incapable of giving you the love you need, should you consider breaking away from them to some degree?
Just trying out suggestions to see if anything resonates with you.
lisa73551 diane98246
Posted
we have been apart for a year now and it kills me more and more everyday. i appreciate you ate trying to help, thankyou. i am fully aware that no one can control my family, and they will make their own choices when they decide they want me in their life again. As i said is has been a year and thats because people say give it time. well ive done that and its no better. The answers come from within, i get that. no one heal me as it were. however my answer has been the same for the last year now and hasnt wavered one little bit. i dont want a life or a future without my family in it that i worked so hard to build. i dont want to meet new people - i dont like being around people. i dont want to socialise - i dont like socialising. i dont want to find hobbies when i have no one to share it with. i dont want to buy clothes when i have no one to bother to put clothes on for. i dont want to be alone - i hate my own company. etc so for a year i have sat and thought to myself 1 - i cant change things with my family 2 - i cant live the way i am living but 3 - my only options of changing the way i am living i dont like. i feel so strongly about living the way i am or changing the way that i have to in order to exist that i would rather not exist. where do i go from there? this is not a crisis this is a genuine i woudl rather be dead than live the life i am living and i would rather be dead than find a way forward for any kind of life without my family. considered decisions.
diane98246 lisa73551
Posted
Dearest Lisa . . . a year is a long time to be separated from the people you want and need to be with. I was also separated from my family for a couple years but the difference was that I didn’t mind the separation.
I’m sorry, I feel like I’ve failed you and I feel alarmed by the logical nature of the mindset you’ve arrived at after a year of considering your position in life.
I will proceed by praying for you. It’s the only thing I know to do.
Meanwhile what I want for you is that, by some miracle, you discover the tender beginnings of a fresh outlook.
PatientMod-A lisa73551
Posted
Hi lisa73551
We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.
Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.
If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.
Kindest regards
Patient
sam18386 lisa73551
Posted
you are vital, you matter, you need to preserve you. don't give up the deeper you dig the more strength you'll show to everyone. i wish you lots of luck.