Okay, iam going to be honest!

Posted , 4 users are following.

Okay guys, iam going to be brutally honest here.

I reckon I have suffered depression symptoms, since about the age of 8. i remember it well. I remeber my mum questioning my school teacher, asking why somone soo thin should have such bad body odour. I have used deodarants since then.

My mum and dad fought like cat and dog, yet I know at some point they loved each other deep down. I know that I caused a strain on my entire family for being a prem and being difficult to deal with at primary. I know that my eyesight is to blame for a lot of my insecurities now, but when ever I hear shouting or even bitching I clam up, if I dont hear these things, i hear nothing but praise for other people , I am a happy person , anda nice person to be around. I jump from being really nervous and anxiou to depressed states, to a fighting anxious state , then to right I need a reward state to then sh*t what for state - do I make any sense to anyone, or am I just alone inn my battle to be me?

I have tangled with this all my life , I have and I well remeber the argument, on the verge of suicide, when my mum phoned my high school up telling them I was worth more. (iremeber thinking, mum , why cant you accept, iam a failure), then of coures i found it easier and passed with a good grade. In my head, the more comples, the more I am able to solve , the more simple stuff, I am looking for the complex, so I cant solve...am I alone here, or is anyone else the same?

Its such a lonely world, I can do simple artefacts , I look simple and people often think I am , but in reality, I know I am a complex, problem solver...please , someone give me aa chance, I am not a waisitter, Unless you guys take it upon yourselves to use me as a poor sucker and abuse me, Do I make sense to anyone, or am I alone on this?

I also think, mum knows best, listen to your mum, my mum is fantasitc, she is worth more than her wieght in gold and I truly love her, even if I find her somewhat controlling!

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  • Posted

    Katy,

    what a world this is, no mate u r not alone, i ofetn blame my parents for the way i behaved in my relationship, arguments were the norm in my life, prob still be. When i hear shputing its the norm to me, confrontation, not physical but abuse ???? Katy, with me I blitzed all xams before me, odd one out, all my family work maunaully, me im an office bod??? weirdo ha ha!! always the odd thinker me, well now i am coz i have depression, Katy, lonely world, welcome to my world, no one thinks or talks like me, i swear my family think im off my rocker, its the drugs and depression that makes me spurn my sh*t, i honestly want to meet someone on this earth who gets me ? will it happen ? i dont think so.

    Went to docs today, told in no certain terms, cut down on drink and think bout it, been really good, had 4 cans tonight, only weak lager, feel fine, drink tom then no drink for 4 days an i will stick to it. I have a compulsion to be wanted at the moment, how weird, i fell so insecure and i dont know why, the doc says i should stay on these drugs ???? i dont know, me i just need focus and purpose in life, Katy , Melbi, Stilman, anyone how did we get here, i had a normal upbringing, yet i feel like such a screwed up mental case ???? the mind is one powerful profound tool, take care everyone, had my spurt, love to all ja

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  • Posted

    Good morning all

    Well despite getting some tablets from the emergency doctor I had a very restless sleep. He even told me to take 40mg of the beta blocker to help calm me down - they did a bit but the damage had already been done

    by the smart ass who decided that ventolin read anything like zopiclone at my doctors.

    Aly, Katy - maybe we are okay when we feel we have full control of our own lives but the second anyone interferes with that we lose it?

    I feel so much resentment and anger now that some person dared to mess about with my prescription and take it as lightly as they so obviously did. I will be going back to the doctors on Monday and demanding he signs me as fit to work - I am not allowing them to take control of my life anymore - not when they can add to/make my condition worse by careless mistakes.

    I have done brilliant all week - then WHAM! I had almost forgotten how bad anxiety attacks were until last night - how so bloody dare someone cause me so much stress :twisted:

    My breathing has still not returned to normal :roll: I'm having major sweats and my head aches as if it's been banged against a brick wall constantly.

    Are we too complex? Do we look too deeply into things? Like you Aly I had a 'normal' upbringing (what is normal anyway) My parents loved each other and us very much and it always showed through. I am the oddball of our family - or am I? Who really knows?

    When I talk to my therapist then ask him am I mad/crazy? He always says no, I'm just looking for a way to cope! Am I? Why do I need to find a way to cope? What am I having to cope with? Me? I can't cope with me?

    All I can suggest is you stop thinking too much - life is so short and today will soon be tomorrow and gone forever. I think that's what I am doing now!

    I know the depression has gone - I am able to go about my usual tasks now - well apart from last night - but that was anxiety not depression!

    People can talk to me now without me having this strong urge to yell at them to shut up and leave me alone. In fact I have quite enjoyed having a chat with people :shock:

    Aly and Katy can you please do me a huge favour and post here what you define as 'normal'. I've seen so many families in my working life and thought to myself 'what a weird family', or 'what strange ideas that family has'. Do those families look upon my family and think the same?

    What is normal?

    Hope you all have a great weekend - weather supposed to be good isn't it?

    Get out there and get some VD ewwwwwwwwwww no don't lol - go out there and get some Vitimin D! It is Vit. D isn't it that we get from the sun?

    Take care all

    Love 'n' Hugs

    Melbi xxx

    oh by the way - sorry wasn't up to posting last night - you have to register again with a valid email address to enter the new chatroom. Of course if you prefer, you can continue to use the old one but I or any of the admin or mods here won't be able to monitor the old one.

    xxx

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  • Posted

    :P Pants!!!!! I think Melbi, doctors are hilarious.

    I mean, my mother was asked to go for a smear test :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

    Did you get your drugs?

    Hi Ja, ......that message was supposed to say i cant DO SIMPLE THINGS, NOT CONTRADICTING MYSELF BY SAYING, ICAN DO SIMPLE THINGS, i CANT!!!! oH, FORGET IT :lol: :lol: :lol:

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  • Posted

    Katy I've given a lot of thought to this post of yours. You have been honest in every post, I think. But in this, and some others, I think you are being too brutal with yourself. It may be cathartic to state some of your inner concerns, but it may also become self-defeating and even destructive if you are too harshly self-critical to the point where you will accept any denigration because you feel you are unworthy of acclaim.

    Let's look at your post. You have suffered depression from an early age. Many of us have, so let's try and plan to get beyond the reach of depression. I read your comment about being thin and having BO, and I felt so sad that a lovely young mum could still carry the childhood hurts so acutely.

    \"I know that I caused a strain on my entire family for being a prem and being difficult to deal with at primary\".

    Katy, would you blame your primary age child for things over which that child has no control nor even an understanding of? Girl, your parents may have argued with each other but that is no excuse for loading up their kids with guilt for their own shortcomings. As for your eyesight, I too was called \"headlights\" and \"4 eyes\", but I always retaliated immediately and accurately. If the accuser was fat, skinny, tall, short, if their parents were rich, poor, lazy ... they were targets too, and they soon found out that it was dangerous to insult me because I did not care for anyone who wanted to be smart at my expense, so it did not matter if I was seen to be unfriendly towards them. My parents didn't give a damn about me, but my grandfather did, and he gave me the strength to repel schoolyard bullying even though I was 2 years younger than everyone else in my class. So my point is, I was given the authority to fight back. You were scarred by the fact that you were not given that authority. But perhaps now you can move on Katy. Perhaps now you can see that having borne two beautiful daughters you are an amazing success, short-sighted, myopic, blind or whatever! You can still love your parents, but forgive them their inability to instill confidence in you, know that you are a person of value and an inspiring contributor to this forum as well as a great mum, and try to move on from the fragile, damaged ego you were as a child. You owe it to yourself and your children. And no, you are not alone, Katy. i suspect that most of us here on this forum have been damaged kids one way or another. The rest of us haven't had the courage or the honesty to look deep enough inside and try to find out who we are. (Speaking for myself only). So the battle to be \"me\" is one faced by every living soul at some point or points. It is quite \"normal\", (to invoke another of your posts.)

    Katy, why would you say, \"I look simple and people often think I am ...\"? Jerry Lewis made millions out of looking \"simple\", but he was a very smart man. Goldie Hawn did the same. Perhaps simple is as simple does? And yet you have witnessed this week, the success of having perfect strangers approach you and seek guidance in their purchasing decisions, because you are the \"expert\" or you wouldn't be there! Would you approach someone in an electrical shop who looked and probably was \"simple\", to ask for guidance in your purchasing decision? Would anybody?

    Katy, before anyone will give you a chance, you must give youself a chance. If you can exude confidence you can win the world. I have a friend with a hare lip and a plum-stain birthmark on his face, but he is such a nice bloke after a few minutes you don't even notice it. He once worked as a bus conductor!

    Katy, you have been brutally hones, but I think you are always honest. This time I think you have been brutal as well, and thinking that you were a \"problem\" or that you were abnormal is just so negative, and having thoughts like this will re

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  • Posted

    Breesman, thank you, you really are a wonderful person, what you have said to me really lights me up!. You seem to understand my deep pain, that makes you magical!

    Breezman, Ilove my dad, iwish Icould console with him, but I know we all have probs, and mine are vitually insignificant, to his. Dont get me wrong, I think my dAd is special, a very loving kind man, but he does not need me with this!

    I hope you are good and giving the little bass..d you all! it will be worth your fight, breezman , you are more an inspiration and posssibly in my eyes a sugar daddy(Youve listened, and in my eyes you are just maqic, pure gold)

    Huge teedy hug, katy

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  • Posted

    Hi Katy,

    Thank you for your kind words. Am feeling pretty good today, back to doc on Wednesday, who knows, I may be winning the fight. xxx

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  • Posted

    There are some brilliant members on this site! :wink:

    This thread contains some amazing advice and insight. Good luck to you all with your fight against your demons.

    I'm still doing well despite the best efforts of my employers - if I wasn't well I don't think I could cope.

    Keep smiling everyone and keep heading towards that small light at the end of the long dark tunnel. You know you can do it and you've got some great people here to help you along.

    Hugs to all.

    PJ

    :D

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  • Posted

    Hello PJ, it's good to see you posting again. I've been a bit on again off again lately with my medical ups and downs, and I understand the huge impact an employer can have. You know, if you can put yourself in your employer's place for a moment, and see the pressures he is under from his superiors, (or if he's the \"big\" boss, his bank etc), you start to see a human being under pressure. Then imagine Ghandi in the same position. Would he nurture his people, would he understand their situation? Probably. So do you try and show your employers the way forward, do you realise they cannot be shown, and move on, do you attempt to strike out on your own? I believe there is an abundance of goodwill and everything else in this world of ours. I also believe that a few greedy men have been trying to hijack and monopolise the world's natural resources, including goodwill, for a long time. So first we must decide what it is that we need to make us a happy, contributing member of this world community. And then work out a plan to get ourselves to our goals.

    Well, that's the Breezman philosophy! Do you agree, PJ?

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  • Posted

    Nice philosophy Breezman ! :D

    The biggest problem I have with my employers is that they don't know their own policies and certainly know nothing about the Disability Discrimination Act. For a Local Authority that's appalling.

    Previously I've worked in banks and post offices for over 25 years. Many times I've had to tell customers that I was unable to carry out their request due to the restrictions of rules and regulations. But I always remained polite and offered other solutions to their problems. My current employers appear not to care about the human factor (my doctor calls them the Inhuman Resources Department :lol: ). Not once has any of them asked how I am or if I'm well enough to attend meetings. I know they're under pressure because the department has been classified as 'a failing department'. But what does it cost to be polite and show some compassion?

    Anyway whinge over, I have a very good union rep and solicitor who have been a great help and support to me.

    Good to see you posting again Breezman, I was a little concerned about you for a while as I'd noticed you weren't posting.

    Hugs to everyone.

    PJ

    :D

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  • Posted

    Hi PJ,

    I had a chuckle at the \"Inhumand Resources Department\" It's geting a bit Orwellian out there, isn't it.

    Here I am in Oz, sitting on the fence, looking in. I find it extraordinary that someone has coined the term \"failing\", to describe a whole department. I mean, is this a case of shooting the messenger, or what? This sounds to me as if the bloke at the top is a team player, ie, being a member of a team allows him to shift the responsibility for failed policy onto the workers he commissioned to carry out that policy. Am I being cynical here?

    At some point we must take a stand for ourselves. At some point we must all decide whether to \"go with the flow\" or go with our conscience. I am appalled to see impotent fractions of men in positions of relative power over better people than they are.

    Please forgive my outburst PJ. I see women getting beaten by their partners, and defending these monsters in court. I see kids being abused by alcoholic/druggo parents, and wanting to stay with them. And I see employers breaking industrial, commercial and taxation law, and employees suffering this behaviour in the knowledge that \"the devil you know is better then the devil you don't\".

    No wonder depression is a factor in most workplaces now! Rant over, as Melbi says.

    Thank you for your concern, PJ. Isn't it amazing, our little caring community!? I've had some ups and downs lately with my health so I'm not as regular a contributor as I might be. But it's so good to see progress occurring, such as we've seen with Melbi and Tiny Tears. I feel like all the other contributors here are friends of mine. Big Teddy hugs to you!

    Breezman

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