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I've been depressed for about over 2 years now. I am 17 now turning 18 soon. I've started getting treatment for my depression when I was 15 but I know it started way before that. At first (I'm sure everyone is like this) I didnt know it was depression. I had no idea that I was depressed and thought that I was just going through some really tough over exaggerated teenage emotional problems, untill they got a little out of hand. I stopped talking to people, I stopped talking to my parents and when I was only able to say hatefull things that a child should never say to his/her parents. It was weird because I knew it was wrong the way I was behaving, the things I was saying, doing, and even thinking. But they just didnt stop. Eventually I started harming myself. Cutting myself large areas at a time. (This was also a shock to me because I am the biggest wuss you'll ever find and HATE pain.) Eventually my parents found out about my cutting and recalling my strange behavior they decided that a It would be a good thing for me to get some counsling. I talked to a therapist once a week for 1 and a half years and here I am still struggling. Eventually I just ran out of things to talk about. I mean what more can I talk about and how much more can I explain how I'm feeling when I don't even know what I'm feeling? So I stopped going. Told my parents I felt fine and I guess they thought they saw a change in me. (Note I was a very Bubbly Hyper Active person.)
Now this is where my title will start making sense. I thought I was fine for a few months, untill it came back. That feeling as soon as you wake up that today is going to be a horrible, hopeless day. The feeling of not wanting to do anything or eat anything, or somedays wanting to eat Everything you see. Just staying in the same position you have been in for hours and eventually falling alseep hopeing tomorrow will be a better day, but knowing you'll feel the same or worse. It comes so randomly that it always catches me off gaurd. I could literally have had the best day ever and then boom... CRASH I hate the world and the world hates me. But then without me even noticing, I feel fine again. Just good old me is back just like that. It's been like this for me ever since I've stopped my therapy. I don't know if it has to do with me maturing a little but the way my depression works now is different from when I was 15. I hide it. I don't need people knowing. I don't need it to be known. But sometimes I want everyone to know and feel for me. It's just a BUNCH of confusing feelings that I'm sure (and hope) that alot more people than just me understand. I don't really do this... more like I don't ever do this EVER. Talking or sharing about how I feel. but I read a couple other discussions on depression and it made me feel like sharing could help my brain out a little by letting some things out if you know what I mean... And soon enough I will probably feel stupid about feeling this was and doing this and feel all better and be on my way... but heaven knows I'll be back soon with less to say and less to feel. I just hate feeling this way and don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to feel better but is that even possible?
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