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Hi guys. I just want to share my experience of depression and I want to know if anyone else experiences this, or has done and has methods of how to cope and get out...
A bit of background:
I started getting depressed around the age of 15, and my assumption is that it was because of some instability at home as well as me supressing and not coming to term with my sexuality. I'm now 21, and still have depression, although now i feel it is different to how it was then as perhaps I still struggle with my sexuality.
I suppose i've always been a bit anxious, I was a bit shy at school, was relatively self conscious and this has come through all my life however now I am much better and I put this down to self-help books where I taught myself coping mechanisms such as positive thinking, self-affirmation imagery and visualization. Nonetheless, my anxiety can be crippling and eventually cause me to be paralysed in a depression.
However from the age of about 17 I tried to supress my anxiety and depression with drugs and alcohol and earlier last year I entered rehab for 6 months where I got off the drugs and alcohol however I feel while it has helped me in some aspects, where I see opening up to other people can help how I feel, it hasn't done much in the way of being depressed, it almost made me worse in a sense but I guess that was coming off the drugs.
ANYWAY the cycle:
- eat loads
- negative thinking
- stop seeing friends
- distance myself from family
- negative thinking
- lack of self care
- other typical symptoms of depression
This can last anything from a 3 days to a week to a month, THEN in my head I tell myself THAT'S ENOUGH, and this
ATTEMPTS TO GET OUT OF DEPRESSION
- I start up a daily routine
- I start exercising - (I actually LOVE sports)
- See friends
- positive thinking
- enjoy life
- set myself challenges and enjoy doing them
- make progress in my life
- much more!
THIS can last anywhere from 2 days to a week or 2 if i'm lucky and whilst i'm not depressed, I do have anxiety but I work through it anyway and i feel good for doing that.
BUT this can be destroyed by one tiny little thing. One small episode of anxiety or something someone says, or missing the gym one night and just eating loads or something and i'm back into the depression mode!
This happens on repeat allllll the time allllllll my life! it's SOUL destroying especially after such a good feeling where im on top of life and then suddenly for a week or 2 im back depressed... and then of course its hard for me to get motivated to get myself out of depression again knowing there'll be a fall!
I should probably add im also quite body conscious as well so I can beat myself up in my head when it comes to not exercising and stuff... but then i feel bad about myself in most ways... and the total opposite when I'm in the good phase of the cycle.
I'm currently on 15mg of mirtazepine for 1 week and i'm starting to notice effects but this cycle is still happening...
I'm waiting for one to one therapy CBT as well on the NHS but it takes 3 months minimum.
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