Ongoing cycle...!? advice how to get out?

Posted , 3 users are following.

Hi guys. I just want to share my experience of depression and I want to know if anyone else experiences this, or has done and has methods of how to cope and get out... 

A bit of background:

I started getting depressed around the age of 15, and my assumption is that it was because of some instability at home as well as me supressing and not coming to term with my sexuality. I'm now 21, and still have depression, although now i feel it is different to how it was then as perhaps I still struggle with my sexuality. 

I suppose i've always been a bit anxious, I was a bit shy at school, was relatively self conscious and this has come through all my life however now I am much better and I put this down to self-help books where I taught myself coping mechanisms such as positive thinking, self-affirmation imagery and visualization. Nonetheless, my anxiety can be crippling and eventually cause me to be paralysed in a depression. 

However from the age of about 17 I tried to supress my anxiety and depression with drugs and alcohol and earlier last year I entered rehab for 6 months where I got off the drugs and alcohol however I feel while it has helped me in some aspects, where I see opening up to other people can help how I feel, it hasn't done much in the way of being depressed, it almost made me worse in a sense but I guess that was coming off the drugs. 

ANYWAY the cycle: 


- eat loads 

- negative thinking

- stop seeing friends

- distance myself from family

- negative thinking

- lack of self care

- other typical symptoms of depression

This can last anything from a 3 days to a week to a month, THEN in my head I tell myself THAT'S ENOUGH, and this 


- I start up a daily routine

- I start exercising - (I actually LOVE sports)

- See friends

- positive thinking

- enjoy life 

- set myself challenges and enjoy doing them

- make progress in my life

- much more!

THIS can last anywhere from 2 days to a week or 2 if i'm lucky and whilst i'm not depressed, I do have anxiety but I work through it anyway and i feel good for doing that. 

BUT this can be destroyed by one tiny little thing. One small episode of anxiety or something someone says, or missing the gym one night and just eating loads or something and i'm back into the depression mode!

This happens on repeat allllll the time allllllll my life! it's SOUL destroying especially after such a good feeling where im on top of life and then suddenly for a week or 2 im back depressed... and then of course its hard for me to get motivated to get myself out of depression again knowing there'll be a fall!

I should probably add im also quite body conscious as well so I can beat myself up in my head when it comes to not exercising and stuff... but then i feel bad about myself in most ways... and the total opposite when I'm in the good phase of the cycle. 

I'm currently on 15mg of mirtazepine for 1 week and i'm starting to notice effects but this cycle is still happening... 

 I'm waiting for one to one therapy CBT as well on the NHS but it takes 3 months minimum. 

ANY tips? 


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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Hiya Sam, I have clinical depression caused by the last general anaeshetic I had in 2010. It was like flicking a switch. I'm  not the kind of person to have depression, it needed a trigger and the anaesthetic was that trigger for me. I believe ther are two main types of depression. One is circumstance based, e.g. you break up with a girl or something like that and the other is a chemical imbalance in the brain. This is what I have. My advice is that if your depression is in the first category, put things right, e.g. get a better girlfriend, job, whatever is getting you down. If it's in the second category as mine is, get the right tablets for you and there's only one way, trial and error 'til you find the right one. To cut a very, very long story short, I ended up on Mirtazapine. This helped a lot at first.  When I increased the dose as advised after a few weeks my depression strangely got a lot worse. I now have it self tailored to 2x one half of a 15mg tablet daily and about 7 hours apart. It's not perfect but I can cope with this level of depression. Be careful with the Mirtazapine as if you take too much "for you" (we're all different) then it can make matters worse. You'll gradually get to know what your dose should be yourself.......the doctors don't understand this low dose I'm on nor how more can make me Psychiatrist confirmed this and he's an expert so GP's have no chance! By the way, anyone with depression should not take Statins, they do lower mood and when I stopped taking them during a course of anti-biotics (they can't be taken together) my depression got a lot less severe immediately. The GP said that they do lwer mood, so why prescribe statins for a patient with depression??

    My advice would be to start doing your family tree, it really does absorb you and takes you out of the depression as you are concentrating so much on finding stuff. It also makes you realise just how insignificant we all are in the grand scheme of things....when you see all of the people who came before you who are no longer here and realise we're next in line! So make the most of every day..........Hope this helps, Ken

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    • Posted

      Thanks keni for your detailed response smile I too believe that my depression is down to a chemical inbalance but I read a couple of articles that said this was all made up by antidepressant companies to help them sell their products sad I hope it's not true... I just struggle to see my life without depression really and I wonder what it's like not to have it! 

      Are you from UK? Did you get your Psychiatrist through the NHS or privately? Because I want a professional's opinion but I don't want to have to pay for it! 

      How's your depression these days? is it manageable? how has mirtazepine helped that? 

      Sorry for so many questions i'm just interested to know! 


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    • Posted

      Hiya Sam, yes, from UK (Essex) and tried the NHS Psych'....not much use to put it kindly so I looked up a private psych' who came to my house and he was very good prescribed Mirtazapine but admitted he had no idea if it would work for me. It did help for a while but then he told me to increase the dose to two 15mg per day and then three. My depression got worse very quickly so I wnt back to two and after a while to one. Eventually I took two x one half an orodispersible tablet about 7 or 8 hours apart and that is the case today and it's manageable. The Psych'I used charged £120 to visit me at home and I think it was well worth it. What is your dose? Keni
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  • Posted

    Oh, by the way, I'd guess from your comment about eating loads that your depression is psychological and not a chemical imbalance as a classic sign of the illness of clinical depression is major loss of appetite, it's one of the first questions that a psych' will ask, i.e. how is your appetite along with how are you sleeping. I may be wrong here I must stress it's just that my Psych' knew all of the signs which I had and quickly diagnosed clinical depression. I'm no Psychiatrist of course but perhaps the advice he gave me will help you. When I was really ill with depression I had no appetite at all, zero, didn't want to eat a thing and each time I've been ill with a relapse the same happens.

    You have anxiety I see. This is a different subject though there's possibly a link. I did have a bout of this many years ago but once I'd got my diet right it gradually went away. Try to eat healthily and regularly, no coke, sugarry drinks, sweets, biscuits etc. I bet you anything this will help you with the anxiety, sugar is bad news for some people, it was for me anxiety wise but for the depression  see above.

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  • Posted

    For what it's worth, Sam: I've been fighting this for 40+ years and it's only in the last 12 months that i reckon I've gotten a real handle on it. I hve - at periods varying between months and decades - cognitively therapied, medicated, hospitalized, burned out and all that, including attempted suicide.

    In all that, the one thing that seems to have made a difference is EMDS - look it up; it's not reported as complete hockum and my subjective personal experience says it makes a difference. I get less angry; I respond less to others' anger; I have a handle that I identified on the origi of both  my own and  and the sense of tose episodes of powerlessnes that led to my collapses.

    I suggest it's worth a try.

    All the best...

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