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Over reacting? Sexual assault by sisters Fiance?

Posted , 9 users are following.

fee25
fee25

I posted once before on this forum about being raped by a stranger a few months ago...I was very much struggling with admitting that it was in fact rape and accepting that.

I have literally just realised that I was also sexually assaulted once before! And by my own sister's boyfriend (now fiance) 

Three years ago my sister and her boyfriend came to visit me at my home. We all had a great night and got very drunk. My sister, unfortunately got far too drunk and was sick all over my room before passing out completely on my bedroom floor. I was feeling rather drunk myself so got into my single bed and fell into a deep sleep very quickly. I awoke within a few minutes to my sister's boyfriend violently abusing me with his fingers...I kicked him in the shoulder which, knocked him off and screamed at him to get out. He angrily shouted, "what?!" I told him to get the hell out of my bed and sleep next to his girlfriend. He didn't. He stayed in my bed but at the bottom end of it. 

A few days later he messaged me asking if I remembered what happened that night and I replied saying no. I felt so unbelievably guilty! My own sister, my best friend! How could I have betrayed her in such a way?! 

After I was raped two years later I read about drunk rape a lot and only then did it actually click that her boyfriend assaulted me. He removed my pyjama bottoms whilst I slept heavily and inserted his fingers where they were very much not wanted in an unconscious girl...his own girlfriends sister at that! I love my sister more than anyone in this world and I would never do anything to hurt her but, I did not tell her about this incident and I have no idea what to do.

There was another incident a few months later where we were all drinking together again and my sister got far too drunk again and passed out. I felt awkward because I didn't want to stay alone with her boyfriend as he had already sent me messages that night saying "you're hot". I went to bed in my room, alone. He came in and put his arm around me and I screamed and screamed! He shouted, "can we not even be friends?!" and I carried on screaming, he then left. I told my sister the next day about the message and that he came into my room and I didn't know what happened or why, she asked him and he shrugged it off....so did she. 

Sorry this has turned into quite a long post. 

I'm shocked that I only just realised that it was assault, a number of things now make sense to me. Her boyfriend is horrible and I have never liked him, he's been arrested numerous times for violence and theft and gets especially violent when drinking. I'm worried! I don't want to cause drama, I don't want to hurt my sister, I don't want my family to turn around and say I am lying!! I feel so vulnerable and fragile after being attacked a few months ago and this being dragged back up in my mind is physically killing me! 

Am I over reacting?!

1 like, 13 replies

13 Replies

  • lorraine52317
    lorraine52317 fee25

    Posted

    Hi fee

    I am so saddened to read your post. My heart really goes out to you. I understand your concern in relation to your family but my primary concern is for you. You have been subjected to a serious assault and he shouldn't get away with it. Why should you be made to feel ill whilst he carries on his merry way. I would take some professional advice from a rape contact centre either in person or by phone. Don't carry this on your own as it will impact on your ability to recover from these ordeals. Please speak with a professional urgently. I sincerely wish the best outcome for you and commend you for reaching out to tackle this dreadful situation you have placed in.

    God bless you

    Lorraine xx

    • fee25
      fee25 lorraine52317

      Posted

      Thank you for replying. 

      I see him fairly often, stay with him and my sister on occasion and it hurts so much being around them both. He isn't too bad when sober but, when drunk he is a nightmare, he even scares my sister which worries me as I don't want him to ever hurt her. 

      I am getting help from a rape and sexual assault clinic soon, I have made contact with them and they are starting counselling (hopefully) within a few weeks. It's been years of lying and pain and struggle. My family really like her boyfriend, especially my mother, which makes it harder. 

      Thank you again for taking the time to reply, it means a lot xx

  • dondons
    dondons fee25

    Posted

    hi fee,

    I'm In the same situation, except I was 15, babysitting and sleeping, my sister had fallen asleep after a lot of drink and he is now my sisters ex fiancé.

    I've never told her or any of my family for the same reasons.

    Sorry I'm not much help, don't have any advice o feel I can give, just wanted you to know you're not alone xx

    • fee25
      fee25 dondons

      Posted

      It is nice to at least know I'm not the only one who has been through this! It tears me a part! 

      It feels impossible to tell anyone about it, it would ruin so many things. I wish they would break up and to be honest I think they will but, I don't think it would happen for a few years. 

      Thank you so much for replying and sharing, it is good to know I'm not alone with this xx

  • nikki44830
    nikki44830 fee25

    Posted

    Hunni you are under-reacting. Ban him from your house. Tell your family,everybody needs to know what he did. Never feel guilty for somebody hurting you. You could even file charges but be aware of statue of limitations. If you plan on calling the police,make sure you don't wait too long. If your sister wants to take his side,that's fine. But you need to take care of you first... You're important too and he's gross and your sister is sad if she doesn't choose you...
    • fee25
      fee25 nikki44830

      Posted

      It happened a few years ago, I didn't speak up then because I genuinely thought I had done something wrong and I felt so guilty. But, after being raped a few months ago and seeing information about being abused when unconscious I realised it was him and not me who had done wrong. 

      It's hard, I want my sister to be in a happy, loving relationship and I think she thinks she is sad I don't want to ruin a life they have together but, I don't want her to be with him either. 

      My mind is on over drive!

  • hypercat
    hypercat fee25

    Posted

    Fee darling at the end of the day you can't make your sister leave her abusive bf.  What you can do is be there for her and keep the lines of communication open between the two of you.   When she does eventually leave him she will know she can turn to you.

    Meantime never let yourself be alone with her bf.   Invite your sister over by all means but never him.  Just tell your sister you want a girlie night.  He sounds a horrible chap so protect yourself.   You can also do things like shopping with her and go out together but make sure he isn't going.   Avoid him like the plague he is.  x

     

    • fee25
      fee25 hypercat

      Posted

      Definitely, we still are so close and spend time together, walking, watching films etc. she is genuinely my best friend and I love her more than anyone. I hate keeping things from her but I don't want to break her heart, I don't want her to resent me. And there's no way this relationship will ever really last. 

      Her boyfriend is so controlling, very jealous - which is why he came to my house that night, he gets angry just hearing me and her are going for a walk or that she's coming for a cup of tea! So, I have to see him often but luckily we haven't been alone together since this and there's no way I'll let that happen, such a horrible man rolleyes xx

  • angela1111
    angela1111 fee25

    Posted

    I am currently in this situation except nobody is drunk. Whenever my sister goes to another room, her boyfriend starts touching me even if I refuse. Once my sister was right next to us but it was so dark that she couldn't see anything what was happening right in front of her eyes. I have no idea what should i do because my parents love my sister's boyfriend.

    • hypercat
      hypercat angela1111

      Posted

      Hi I sure your partents love you more than your sisters boyfriend and would be horrified to know this is happening.

      This is sexual molestation and he is trying to take advantage of you.  Next time it happens shout loudly 'Oy leave me alone'.  Don't let him get away with it.  Explain to your parents what is happening as well. 

       

       

    • Hakuna_matata
      Hakuna_matata angela1111

      Posted

      Yeah hunni you'd be real surprised how that love for him can change in a blink of an eye you tell your parents or better if you don't feel like you can you stay away from him you make it quite clear to everyone that you don't want to be near him ever you don't have to say it you just stay in the front room when he comes in you go out when he goes out you come in you get what I mean right your smart I bet your parents are smart too I bet they will notice a pattern happening and I bet they will ask you and that's when you can say he touches you and you don't want him to xx

  • betty47942
    betty47942 fee25

    Posted

    Hi Fee,

    The best advice I or anyone else can give you, is for you to please seek professional counseling... You need to talk to someone who is totally detached fromn the situation and can give you honest feedback and advice as to how to deal with and heal from this situation. Some people think they cannot afford therapy, but if you speak to you Dr about this and ask him to help you find counseling, you can work it out...you deserve that... this will not 'go away' on its on regardless of what anyone says... Best wishes with love to you.

     

  • Hakuna_matata
    Hakuna_matata fee25

    Posted

    Omg fee hunni don't you ever think your over reacting from a mans point of view this behaviour and how he has manipulated you into thinking its your fault or in some way you brought it on your self is well absolutely vile

    It makes me personally sick and I know we are not meant to bring personal feelings into things like this but it's really hard not to when your a man and can see exactly how he's acted it disgusts me to have someone of that nature share the same gender as me

    I understand your family ties and how you feel it would upset your sister believe me I do but let me put it another way would you be happy to see her marry him really? The resentment you must feel now is totally understandable and I can see why you will do no matter how you try to cover that resentment up for your families sake it'll shine through eventually you know you can't trust him there will be times in your lives when you'll be around each other maybe drinking or something else that resentment and what's he has done will come out babe it's better to get that out with as little distress and doubt being cast upon your word and integrity ie ( if you ball it out when your drunk and upset) it possibly won't be taken seriously ya know it may even get dismissed as a drunk attention seeking ploy and you deserve better than that you need to talk to somebody even if you decide to go to the police who can give you counselling and help to deal with those emotions

    Sexual assault is as serious as it gets women fought for years to have there rights and be able to have there own dignity upheld it'll hurt your family a lot more if they found out in 10 years you'd been living with this alone and it's not only that Hun how can anyone be sure he's not one done it before or two will do it again maybe not to you but to someone else you stand up for yourself and all the other women this kind of thing effects and call him out for what he's done

    My thoughts are with you Hun

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