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I've suffered with depression, anxiety and panic disorders for over 10 years now, i've been on Venlafaxine and propranolol for 3 years, at it's worst i've done silly things like bang my head against the floor so hard i left myself with a bruise on my forehead, just because this, at the time, seemed like the most plausable idea to stop my brain from thinking the thoughts that were causing my constant panic attacks.
I have exerstential Thanatophobia or death phobia so my panic attacks come from the fear of my inevitable death.
Even though my meds do work the last panic attack i had a few nights ago i found myself scratching my arm until it bled attempting to take my mind off of the invasive thoughts, as you can imagine over the past 10 years i've tried almost every self help tip in the book and none of them worked more than once, but i've NEVER self harmed to this extent before.
I'm so worried that i've started something i won't be able to control next time a panic attack hits. I've still got the scabs on my arms and am scared someones going to ask where they came from and i'm so embarrassed i even did this.
My only problem being that each time i have a panic attack now, even though they have reduced significantly, all i can think about is sinking my fists into the nearest wall, like it's a real struggle not to, or to put my fists through the table, jus thoughts like that, anything to stop the fear and thoughts.
i've also noticed since the begining of this year i'm starting to have real anger issues, I can get so mad that i'm absolutely raging but i'm not naturally an angry or mean person so it burns up inside and leaves me with terrible acid reflux and my stomach burns, this in turn worries me about stomach ulsers and if it would just be healthier to let it all out, but i know if i did that i'd hurt a lot of people, probably not physically but emotionally, and i'd probably lose my job
I just dont know what to do now, for my own good. i've never been in this situation before.
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