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i'm very new to this and i'm not that sure i know how it works but here goes.
i'm 17 (nearly 18) and i've recently been diagnosed with panic disorder with added hypochondria (health anxiety) due to it and i have nobody to talk to. i've been depressed for two and a half years, since i was 15, but i've found it more and more easy to cope with because a lot of my friends and some of my family are depressed too. depression for me is a lot easier to control due to years of experience and unlike panic disorder, there's no sort of uncontrollable outbursts.
anyway. i apologise if any of what i'm about to say is triggering in any way but i really just want reassurance because i feel so alone. i'm having panic attacks near enough everyday and safe to say, it's ruining my life. i have a job and have been employed within this company for nearly 6 months and having to constantly run off the shop floor due to spontaneous panic attacks is embarrassing and i feel like i'm putting pressure on my colleagues, spiralling into self blame and criticism which makes it lots worse. i feel like if this continues i will lose my job and i honestly love the company i work for, and it'd break my heart to lose it to my mental health (i had to drop out of college twice due to my depression). i feel like they don't understand the extent of how severe this illness is; i'm constantly on the till due to being the one team member that gives the epitome of perfect customer service (as i've been told) which i feel like puts enough pressure as it is. not that interacting with people gives me panic attacks - it's more the fear that i will have a spontaneous panic attack and i won't be able to escape. that fear stops me from getting on public transport by myself etc., and it's very difficult getting outdoors sometimes.
due to panic disorder i have hypochondria - it mainly started as cardiophobia (fear of heart disease; irrational as hell, i know) and has stemmed off into different things, especially since panic disorder i've also been diagnosed with IBS. this involves constant pulse checks to make sure my heart isn't beating too fast, or failing. the first symptom of a panic attack for me is chest tightness/pain, which leads to the thought that i'm having a heart attack. i've had an ECG (a heart scan) at the hospital down to minor serotonin syndrome and i've seen solid evidence that my heart is fine, we have no history of heart problems in my family tree yet i can't shake the thought that i'm going to die of cardiac arrest. i know that pulse checks are a terribly bad habit and i'm doing myself no favours but i can't seem to stop. does anybody else do this?
i'm feeling incredibly dissociated too at the moment. i can't differentiate between dreams and reality and it's confusing me a lot. sudden dissociation is another primary symptom of a panic attack for me but i can never seem to get rid of it. usually it's down to grey skies and grey walls/lighting (weird, i just really hate grey).
lastly, does anybody else get the feeling that having a panic attack resolves the anxiety? like, kind of like when you be sick. once you're sick after feeling nauseous, you feel 10x better afterwards. i get the same feeling with panic attacks! is that normal too?
i apologise for the heavy detail but i've just had a massive panic attack before writing this, leading to a complete outburst and i just feel so alone. i feel like i'm going crazy and i've even recently had thoughts of taking myself to a ward. please help me, i need reassurance. i just need to know this is all normal.
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