Planing on leaving my husband today tell me I’m not mad

Posted , 7 users are following.

so ill try make a long story short as possible I’m 32 and my husband is 38 together 13 years married 7. I feel like my marriage was over the day i was diagnosed with depression about 18 months ago i remember coming home from the doctors with my new pack of antidepressants walked in to my husband who was watching tv and told him doctor said i have depression and put me on medication he looked at me and laughed and said sure what have you to be depressed over. I suffered silently for about 4 month after that he never once mentioned the depression to me. Just over four months I broke down to him because I didn’t want to go to work I had an incident where my sisters boyfriend came on to me at a party and she blamed me for it and stopped speaking to me the 3 of us work in the same job. I fell into major depression over that me and my sister were always like best friends and the one time I really needed her she left me and even told me to get over myself everyone has down days. Depression got so bad I didn’t get out of bed for days even lost interest in my own kids they would come into my room to show me something from school or tell me something and all I could think to myself was just go away. One really bad day I decided I had enough I had no one and my kids were better off without me I sat at the kitchen table with lots of different pills and a bottle of vodka I was in the strangest mind frame and suddenly my daughter walked into the kitchen asking for a drink she woke up and that seemed to snap me out of what I was considering doing because then I just kept thinking of her finding me dead. Back to my husband even after all this he still didn’t seem to show any support or even ask how I was feeling and when I would try talk to him he looked so disinterested as if he wasn’t even listening or cut me off and start talking about himself. The last 6 months have been the worst he goes off on one if he comes home and the house is not clean or no dinner is made and I get a comment like are you still in bed I have explained to him on really bad days I can’t bring myself to do anything but he still continues to rant about it and it ends up making me feel useless and the bad day turns into 2 or 3 days then. He would have always been used to me being fairly organized and always doing everything around the home I think it’s p****d him off so much. He annoyed me so much one day shouting about the house being filthy which was overdramatized my dog did a poo in the conservatory and I left it there for 3 days he refuses to pick up dog poo I did it just to give him something proper to actually give out about!! For a about 2 months now I have been having more good than bad days but I am starting to realize most of the bad days are hitting me over him having a bad attitude over most of the time little things and it puts a down mood in the hole house Especially on his days off work. I have stood by him through a lot over 13 years together alcoholism and tablet addiction court issues over alcohol and it’s a kick in the gut this is the only time in my life I’ve needed him and its a joke in his eyes. So I decided I’m going to move to my mothers with the kids today while he’s in work it’s only 10 minutes away so he will still see the kids and see if I’m better on my own and if not I’ll have to live with whatever will be but I feel I’m making the right choice. But my anxiety and depression demon are making me ask lots of questions am I being over dramatic? Is he right when he tells me I’m mad or lazy ? Is the depression after making me sensitive? I

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11 Replies

  • Posted

    hi, i just saw this pop up in my emails and didnt want to ignore it! all i can do is give advise as i would a friend but can you not say you need some space so you are going to stay at your mums for a while? that will give you a chance to see if you feel the same when you go and also maybe make him realise he should have supported you? In my experience you know when its over, it is just hard to accept so a bit of time away may help you know for sure what you want to do? i am not excusing his lack of support but it is difficult to understand depression if you havent suffered with it. best wishes whatever happens x

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    • Posted

      thanks for your reply it can be better to have someone outside your family to give you an input sometimes . I know its hard to understand if you havent been there but at least try or listen is all you need from someone sometimes i did ask him a few weeks back if he could move out for a few weeks as we have two children and see if we are happier apart but it got nasty ranting about how he brings more money into the home so everything is his so looks like my only option is to go to my mam's and then ill know for sure with this depression the more he tells me im being over dramatic and childish about everything you end up questioning yourself

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  • Posted

    i know, its really difficult. my partner suffers with ptsd/depression and i wont speak to my family about it as they are too much 'on my side' so to speak to give helpful advice. Certainly sounds like you deserve better but at least if you said you were taking some time for yourself it gives you a way back should that be what you want to do. if it doesnt shock him into wanting to fix things then maybe you do deserve better!

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    This is so sad and I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. I would suggest your husband doesn't understand what your depression is doing to you and how alone you must feel.

    He has been insensitive to your sate of mind yes, and may not understand the pain you are in. He may also be fearful and this is why he is choosing to ignore your situation and covering it up with a hard line tactic of being upset by trivialities.

    Though the importance in all of this is for you to get well. Some may think, get well for your children and your marriage and that is important however, you need to get well for you and you alone. You seem to be a very reasonable person who works and looks after your children, your husband and your home. My question would be if you also work, why are you left to clean house? Why is it just your duty to pick up dog poo? I think from what you have said, there is an imbalance of shared responsibilities in the home and could be causing underlying tensions.

    It is so hard when family (your sister) has turned away from you, people do the most hurtful things to others before they will see the truth. If her boyfriend came on to you then it is her who needs a wake up call, not you.

    I'd say please stop thinking of everyone else and look to get well for you first. We all to often think about people far too much which further compounds our anxiety through fears of rejection and or abandonment.

    Give your husband the option, ask if he will go to the doctor with you so they can let him understand the severity of what you're going through. If he refuses, then you have little choice but to concentrate on you to get well. Don't do this as a punishment exercise to him, see it as a necessity to feel better for you alone.

    Depression can make us think irrationally at times, and can have a devastating impact. Sit for a min, think of what it is you really want and don't allow others to tell you what to do, this is your life and you're the only one living in it. Go for a walk, a cuppa, be kinder to yourself, it will calm you a little and hopefully you will gain some clarity. You are right to want to have space and it doesn't mean you need to feel even worse by making rash decisions. If after you still want to leave, talk to your husband and let him know what you are intending to do. Leaving without talking will add fuel to what is already a traumatic time for you.

    People in here care, please keep in touch.

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    • Posted

      thank you so much for taking the time in your reply you have made me feel like my mind is right in how im feeling and im not just being over dramatic like i keep being told you start to question yourself when your always being told your mad and not the only one with problems by the people who should be there for you. i am very lucky to have my mam who suffered with depression years ago so she understands me even if what im saying sounds crazy but instead of being happy i have her i am constantly worry about having no one when shes not around anymore.. as for me doing everything at home thats my fault as i always just did it and never complained you dont realize how people can just end up expecting it of you then. I am always reminded the dogs are mine and my problem they would be lucky to get fed if i wasnt around i love my dogs though id happily pick up there poo all day long there more loyal than any human

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  • Posted

    dear abk,

    I COMPLETELY disagree with the aforementioned advice you received! not sayin' it's wrong, I just strongly disagree.

    1st..depression isn't laziness, or lack of caring. it's a chronic disease. like any other physical disease only a mental one. you CAN'T HELP IT......anymore than you could help heart disease or cancer!!

    I pray there will come a time when folks understand this!

    now, as far as your husband, he's showing his true colors right now. it sounds like you've been there for him, when he needed your support. where is his support right now?? that's the DEFINITION of marriage. to be supportive of one another thru good times and bad.

    you (and your children) deserve better.

    if you've got a good relationship with your mom, RUN, don't WALK to her now!

    once you've got some breathing space, you can figure things out.

    just lighten up on yourself.

    it says so in your "handle"...

    Always be kind!! listen to yourself!

    trust me....I know what I'm talking about. "A tiger doesn't change it's stripes"!

    hubbie's showing you his true colors right now.

    don't waste anymore time.

    I wish you the best of luck.

    please keep me posted!

    Lynda❤

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    • Posted

      Thank you Lynda i honestly feel so much better after all replys today and i love your straight to the point no bull personality i like that in a person i try talk to friends and they think i want everyone feeling sorry for me and to talk about what an ass my husband is when all you want is someone to listen and tell you that you dont sound like your depression has clouded your judgment and your making sense. I have felt like through colours are being shown too because im not the perfect gobsh*** the last year who works cooks cleans organises everything for the kids instead of helping and apreciating all the years ive done it all he cant deal with it and it can feel like he doesnt like anyone saying they feel for me and his family have him feeling great cause they all agree with him i had his mam tell me ill never get myself together if i dont go back to work and get on with things i just picture my self telling her to go f*** herself

      Moderator comment: I have edited this post due to the swearing. These are open forums so as per the T&Cs please do not use offensive language in posts otherwise they may be deleted.

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  • Posted

    hi alwaysbek, i read all of your post and i think this: your husband needs a good sharp shock, he's horrid, he doesn't understand you and he needs help to stop being so rude, not you. if the strongest have been hit like you have, everything collapses! i have depression, my husband does and we live in a house with 3 disabilities. i have PTSD and my husband has anxiety too! it's enough to live with. we don't have know children that's the difference. depression and the medication you are given can bugger up your thought process but you are lazy, idle or anything else why? of course your NOT. try without your husband - see how you get on, he'll be desperate to have you back. you haven't said if he works or not. if he doesn't he doesn't have a leg to stand on. good luck, so begins the new part of your life....

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  • Posted

    Hi hun,

    I had to reply as I have been trying to support my husband for the last 4 years regarding his mental health, and he decided that Christmas 2019 that he could no longer be the reason for my unhappiness.

    We have a nearly 10 year old daughter together and have been married for 12 years, together 18 years. Everything you have said sounds very much like us. I live for my daughter and even though I absolutely adore my husband, unfortunately he is not the man I married and is in some way broken. I have given it my all, even through difficult times, but sometimes it's easier to agree to separate. The children will still be seen by both parties and you can both start to try and love yourselves once again.

    I'm here if you ever want to talk xxxxxx

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  • Posted

    Can I just add that I have had an upsetting childhood as my mum and dad split up when I was 7, my brother commit suicide when I was 16, and the birth of my half sister earlier the same year. I feel like I lost what is supposed to be the best years of my life. I also had to have an emergency hysterectomy 2 years ago and have gone through surgical menopause since. I know I am not easy to live with, but I give my daughter my all, and have had my fair share of depression,but have come through it for the sake of my family xxxx

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