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Hey guys, I'm new here and just need to vent and get some advice. It's going to be a long one so I'm going to sum things up and then go into detail. I am a 26-year-old black male (there's a reason why I mentioned race) with no friends, lost my job and had to get something I dislike and don't fit in with, I am alone most days, I have no healthcare and can't afford therapy which is why I am here. Now the details.
About two months ago, I was under a ton of stress. I lost my job (the company shut down without paying us.) leaving me helpless. I also lost my only friend (passed away) which made me obsess over my mortality. This lead to my first panic attack. It was bad, I was sure I was dying. Fast forward to today, I feel like a completely different person, after I got my check up and all test came back fine, I haven't had any other panic attacks or feelings of intense anxiety. Growing up, I've always struggled with social anxiety but never knew what it was until recently. I bring that up because I started working at a retail store which was a terrible decision. I don't do well with small talk and I am so awkward around my coworkers. They barely speak to me other than a "hi" or "good morning", things are pretty unorganized and I am someone who needs things to be in order and chaotic. I often finish my tasks early and they have to find more work for me to do. I almost never do they job I actually applied for. I work with older women, 40s, 50s and teens 18,19,20. The older women stick together and so do the teens. The teens are pretty immature and use language that I don't use or agree with. I feel like an outcast and just don't fit in a retail environment, especially at this store. I took a pay cut to get this job, but I need the money and that's the only reason I am there. But I am pretty uncomfortable and experience anxiety while there. After work, I come home and sit in my room and browse the internet. I don't have any friends so I can't just call someone and talk to them about how I feel, or hangout to get my mind off of how I'm feeling. It sucks because I just feel alone. I live in a community of 90% black people who are into hip hop, sports and are urban. I listen to rock, like anime, enjoys painting, swimming, sewing and other things you don't normally associate with black people. Unfortunately, I feel uncomfortable around most black people and I'm black myself. I always am shamed for being who I am and liking what I like. I also happen to be gay and being gay in the black community is like the worst thing you can be so it's extremely hard for me to connect with anyone in my community. I am often times scared. So I stay in my room all day. Most days my neck, shoulders, and head are tense and sore and it definitely sucks. I've lost the motivation to workout, paint, or swim like I use to do before the panic attack. I've started eating poorly, before I ate a mostly plant-based diet, no processed foods or sugars, but that has all changed since the panic attack and anxiety. I'd love to make friends, but I suck at small talk and just come off awkward. I'd love a job in an office setting or in a creative field like digital media or content marketing, but I have little work experience and haven't finished my degree. I do have plans on going back to school and finishing up, but with the experience, I'm afraid that I will be stuck in retail or the food industry. Everything in my life just seems to be going so wrong and the only friend I could call and talk to about it with isn't here anymore. I just feel like crying sometimes and just hiding from the world. My family just thinks it's a phase, which it could be, but I don't think it is. I just feel so helpless and hopeless. I hate feeling like this and just want to get better, I want better for myself but don't know how or even where to start. I have no support system and feel like I've failed myself. I never thought that this would be my life. Does anyone have any advice? I can really use some. Thanks.
Sorry for the long post, I just needed to vent ask for help.
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