Potential depression

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Hi! I am posting today regarding my husband's situation. Recently I feel like my husband has been suffering depression. So how I find out is, he keeps thinking about his past. In the past, he has been abused, cheated on by employers, and taken advantages of by friends. Sometimes in the shower or when he watches videos, he will randomnly blurt out bad words like F*** you or I don't want to work here anymore. He hasn't been back home for 6 years and sometimes he will randomly blurt out "mama", "papa" or "tell mom/dad to die" or "mama is dead," "dad is dead," or "grandma is dead." It's scary to hear him say these words. Recently he has been having some problems with my family too and sometimes he will out of anger, slap himself really really hard in the face for several times. I don't know how to help him. We talked about seeking a psychiatrist for help however every time we have decided to schedule one, he would suddenly feel better and postpone it. I am just wondering if he could be potentially experiencing depression? 

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  • Posted

    Hi llovedog,

    I am sorry to read about your husbands, and your unfortunate situation. I imagine it is quite scary for both of you right now. I will not say that the cause of the problem is depression, that is for someone more qualified than myself to ascertain. I will however go so far as to say that by personal experience, I do think that your husband needs some help. From your description it seems that his anger and frustration is directed at himself, he may not even know what it is that is causing it. 

    Life brings about many pressures and these often stir up and amplify past problems, often what seems to be the problem on the surface, say work for example, might be causing your husband to amplify bad past work events which are leaving him to feel worthless, (this is just an example). 

    From your perspective, and here I do believe you are suffering as well trying to deal with this situation, I would encourage patience. It is hard for people suffering a crisis to open up to those close to them, in fact, like yourself many find solstice on forums such as this. You can try asking him if he wants to talk, pick a time when he is relaxed and try hard to listen to what he says without judgement, (this can be difficult if the problems lie close to home). Supporting someone going through a crisis is difficult, the hardest part for a partner is to be supportive, non judgemental and patient.

    I would suggest he goes to see his Doctor, they may prescribe medication, they may even help him to understand how he feels [this depends on your location] either way, it is the first gentle step. I can understand his fear of going to see a psychiatrist, the popular image is unfortunately a stigma still hanging around from history. 

    I wish I could help you more, if you feel the need for support there are many here that will help. Remember the stronger you are, the more help you are to your husband, we understand that support is not just for those in crisis but those affected by it as well.

    Many regards

    David

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    • Posted

      Hi David, 

      Thank you for your kind response. I am suffering too because it seems like they way he just remembers how people treated him badly affect everything in the family. We currently live with my parents. My mom made a joke once to him that he thought was super offensive. Till this day even though my mom has apologized, he still remembers it and because of this, he has been not liking my mom. Everything she does will offend him in some way. This has caused my relationship with my mom and with my siblings to suffer. However, I know my husband the most, he even though doesn't like my mom, he still buys her gift occasionally and bring her out to dinner. However, my siblings and parents don't seem to understand that he's also trying to make a good relationship with my family. My family seems to think I am always on his side, but I am not really on both sides. My youngest sister for some reason always give him a bad attitude in the past. For example, he asked my sister once to draw for him, she in return said F*** off. One time he bought food and bracelet for her, but she in return just gave him a bad tone and said just put it down without even a thank you. My youngest sister attitude is really bad but my parents seem to just tolerate that. Even my other siblings think my husband is the one at fault. My husband now really hate my youngest sister and because my mom is so tolerating of her behavior, my husband also doesn't like my mom too. It affects my whole family. He is not willing to put down this grudge. Could this be some mental disorder? 

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    • Posted

      HI again Llovedog,

      From the information you have added, I would not be inclined to think mental disorder. This sounds more like a social problem. When looking at family dynamics, parents and children form a working bond. When someone new is introduced into this network, there is a need for adjustments so that the new member can enter the working bond. In society if someone was to cause you offence, you would probably avoid that person. Within a family though, a person is tied in by the family bond so is unable to avoid a person completely (I am talking here of the norm, I am aware that people do 'not talk' to family members etc). 

      Living under the same roof as your parents must also be a strain for both of you. Your husband may be feeling inadequate by not being able to 'provide for you', this may seem old fashioned but it is common for men to feel this way. Your husbands current mental state, judging from both your posts does show that he is under pressure, probably amplified through his own mind (small problems being left to snowball into bigger ones). Whilst it would be great to say such things as getting counselling, or moving out will solve the problem, I am taken to believe that neither of these things are possible right now. So a more common sense approach would be to say that first and foremost you need to look after your own mental wellbeing. Forget for a moment your husband, mother and siblings, you are the one in the middle of all this and torn between love for all. I imagine that you are feeling stressed and worried about all this tension. 

      As you are the link here, you have the power to bring things together. It may not seem like it, you probably feel totally powerless, but when you think of it, your husband loves you and so do your family. Talk to them and listen to what they have to say, this may all be down to that one comment, or it may be a clash of different expectations. If you take the initiative you will find you can control the situation. In your head you may already have a plan, you just need someone to tell you that you do have the strength to do it. As a final point, I would advise that you treat this softly, love is a powerful emotion and people really can become blind to it. The last thing you need right now is to escalate the problem, so (repeating myself) talk and listen, try to see your husbands view and also that of your family. I'm not going to say it will all work out well, maybe to much damage has been done to be repaired, but the situation needs to change, otherwise you will all continue until someone breaks.

      I hope all goes well for you, let me know if you need another long sermon (sorry for all the waffling, its a bad habit I know).

      Regards

      David

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    • Posted

      No worries. You make me feel much better. Yes, I am very stressed at the moment and I feel powerless because I don't know what to do. My husband already apologized to my mom and my mom is also fine. However, they all have scars now.. I do feel like we should move out. I mean we have the ability to and we are financially stable too, but we just wanted to save money to buy a house in the future (well, my husband wants to save up). I think he continuing living with my parents will just make him feel useless. Yes, my husband always tells me that he feels so useless not being able to provide for me. My husband does not have a stable job, but I am currently a software engineer and thus earns enough for the both of us. I can understand why he feels this way. He is trying really hard too. He also sometimes tells me that he feels like life is meaningless. He does not know what to do. He also feels like he wants to die. Sometimes he told me that he just wants to jump of the Golden Gate Bridge. Thus, I think he has suicidal thoughts and that cannot be taken lightly. 

      Regardless, we will go to psychiatrists to see if he needs help next Friday. I will try to just not make things worse and step back a little and see how things go in the future.

      Hopefully I will be able to convince him to move out together. 

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  • Posted

    Hey! After getting to know about your husband's symptoms, I doubt whether he has depression, I think it is due to recall of those experiences of abuse and cheating on him which has led to the particular behaviour. At this point I believe he needs social support which you can provide adequately and have been doing so. This looks like a post-traumatic symptom which needs to be eradicated and needs some treatment because this has been happening to him, since quite a long time and has been hampering his daily life-activities. You should go on and convince your husband that he urgently needs treatment because it may affect his social and occupational life as well. I got to know about eWellness Expert wherein there are specialists in this field who can help your husband in overcoming those symptoms. Hope this helps.

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    • Posted

      Hi! Thank you for your kind response. My husband seems to think about his past a lot however so far he does not have problem with his work. However though he at times feels worthless and hopeless. He told me that he can't forgive himself. I don't know why and what causes him to not forgive himself. We have schedule a psychiatrist appointment next Friday and I hope it will help him. 

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  • Posted

    Hi Ilovedog - that your husband is fixating on the negatives in his past certainly sounds like a depressive situation. It's unfortunate that he keeps postponing the opportunity to see the doc about his situation. That could be fear about what might be revealed, which is a perfectly natural reaction, but it would be better to know than continue like this. 

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  • Posted

    Hey,

    I really cannot sketch out an exact diagnosis on the basis of the symptoms mentioned above. But I really suggest that professional help be taken as soon as possible in this case. Delaying it any further will not only be detrimental to his interpersonal relations with others but as well as to himself.  Since your husband postpones whenever you decide to take him to take a psychiatrist, possibly he is being defensive about it and is protesting to go there. you can seek out help from various reliable online platforms like that are providing really affordable mental health services to various people. You can try it out.

    Apart from seeking professional help , there are various things that you can do to help your husband to bounce out of this situation. As much as he is responsible to get back to normal, you too have an important role.

    Take him out for healthy evening walks. be the pillar of his support. Make him eat healthy and make sure that he gets enough sleep. Also on your level talk to him so as to figure out a reason behind his depressive episodes and his behaving in a particular way at sometimes.

    Hope this helps.

    GOOD LUCK!!

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