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Evening life is rubbish come to the conclusion I have allowed myself to be manipulated most of my life and that is why I can't or having problems dealing with it now as I have no idea who I am anymore. The puppet master has cut the strings and I no longer work. I am a horrible unconsiderate uncaring useless piece of s***.  sorry I am writing this in anger and disgust. Off to bed to try and get some sleep the mixture of drugs and alcohol should work. Night all xx


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  • Posted

    Hi I know your feelings are read but your thoughts aren't.  This is the depression talking and you shouldn't listen to these thoughts.

    If you know you are being manipulated and by whom you can stop it.  Why can't you?   It sounds like you need to learn to know yourself a lot better and the way to do this is through counselling.  Are you having any? 

    If you don't know what you want in life think what you don't want as this is often easier.   Then work on cutting toxic things and people out of your life as much as you can.  . 


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    • Posted

      Hi the manipulation is no more, i have realised by opening up to things that this feels like it has happened. I have had one lot of therapy but about a specific part of my life, I am waiting for further group therapy before going onto everythign else. I am in contact with a councillor through my work once a week by phone just to help me keep some sort of control but I still get very impulsive, vivid visions of hurting myself seriously, abuse alcohol and prescription drugs at times just to escape for a while.

      Not good at putting things down as I am still trying to understand them myself.

      Hope this makes some sort of sense cos I know I don't half the time.

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  • Posted


    it hurts to read when people refer to them selves as puppets, it suggests they have given up control to someone else

    you havnt been very clear on details so im only assuming this is a partner as you put they have cut the strings im thinking they left you

    either way if im right or wring the same applies I think sometimes we get so caught up being who others want us to be we forget who we are we make sacrafices for the people we love in order to please them but each time we do we leave ourselves a little more deflated

    Each time losing a little more of our own identity when they are first attracted to us we are our own people thats why they like us the confidence look out going personality etc

    in their very on insecure moments they ask for us not to do things we give in to the want of making them happy and stop doing our own things they are slowly changing us over time they change us so much we are not the people they met and they obviously lise intrest they leave and we are so broken we dont even know who we are anymore

    why do they change us? The trick is not to change anyone that wants you will want you for everything that makes you you the thing is when they deflate or surpress you your no longer you and they leave

    its hard nie you have to find that person you where before them and become that person again

    your say some horrible things about yourself you havent always thought those things if this is hoe you really see yourself then lets just stop for a moment and look at it like this who made you into those things?

    When you see it was the puppet master that crafted you into those things youll see your better off without the strings its hard finding ones self in the darkness although you will be able to do it and be happy once more

    lets think about the things you used to like to do get yourself a pamper day have your hair done put your makeup on do things you used to like to do make some effort to connect with old friends make new friends tina your free

    your free to find yourself no more being controlled its scary I know but now you future is your own

    this could be very exciting your feeling loss at the moment however really you have just found youve found the chance to be tina again be true to yourself you have put up with so much you deserve to now be you and be happy

    thinking of you mike

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    • Posted

      I am currently so f...ing angry about a stupid phone call, one of those cold callers how stupid is that, I'm crying, been screaming now want to hurt myself all over a f,,,ing phone call............. now what!!!!!!!!

      Your reply made me cry this morning. I just need to excape from this life of mine. I hate it so much. How can I go frm 0 - 100 in a split second. Tried so hard at work today too. I just want to die..

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    • Posted

      Don;t worry about it, I was touched by your reply, I've been very emotional today anyway. Some pills chocolate and wiine to help come back down after that phone call, you'd think I would of got a black mark on my number by now the amount of times I;ve told them where to go. The preference thing doesn't seem to be working. Beginning to feel sleepy now.

      Hope you are looking after yourself properly and recovering well and keeping out of trouble just wish I could.

      Tina x

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    • Posted

      Funny you mention trouble I changed my relationship status on ny facebook the other week and a few days ago was arrested because my ex had deemed it appropriate to stalk my facebook and made up malicious lies abiut be 38 hours in a cell and then a court apoearance gosh shes bitter

      At least the court saw through her lies and released me till sept when I need to go bacj ti court my breif has assured me ive nithing to worry about althiufh I am outting a complaint in about her stalking me it ridiculous

      its like she thinks everytime she sees sonething she dont like shell have me arrested and put it jail Im living on egg shells the polixe have my phone anf everything very inconvenient I must say

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  • Posted

    Just another quick note sitting here crying watching the water planning the where and when been thinking about this all weekend. Got to get myself together to go back to work was at the Dr's this morning too, didn't tell her this but got prescribed 80mg of propranolol to take to try and stop my migraines. Electric shocks, tingling in my head. It's not tinnitus as I have that too this is definitely inside my head makes me feel sick and dizzy too. Hope everyone is doing not too bad and had a decent weekend. Better wipe my face blow my nose and back we f.... go. Xx

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