rambling mind

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I would like to share the email I sent to my fella during one of my manic moments. I've blocked out names for obvious reasons but I'm hoping that by sharing this with you all if anyone else experiences the same type of thing then you know you are not alone. I also need to point out that these ramblings appear to happen several hours after taking citalopram, they last about an hour sometimes less sometimes longer. The one below lasted just over 1 hour and stopped as quick as it started after waking up at 2am having a panic attack. I really do hope some can relate to it and help. Yes, if someone is here at the time I would ramble orally, but because of the time I am alone so emailed my rambles. Not sure if releasing it all either orally or writing helps or not but that is what I do.

Melbi x

tis me again - the mad one! Got my coffee now and 2 bloody cats to keep me company. Kitchen is fine and no ice in freezer now. that's coz I aint that daft and i put some towels down in front of freezer last night. i am going to be so bloody tired tomorrw (AGAIN) getting really pissed off with me at moment cant sleep but knackered want to sleep but cant - why? why wake up panicking ffs i wa supoposed to be asleep asleep = relaxed right? so why wake in a panic and gasping for air - told ya I'm crazy.

I dont like these tablets at all they are adding to my problems not solving them. is that you i can hear snoring tut u told me u didn't snore. wish u were here now - missing u. do u still love me? if i could get a few decent nights sleep and rid of this knackeredness id feel more like doing things but i feel so friggin tired all the time everything is an effort well you arent an effort i could lie in your arm all day and night feels safe when i am in your arms.

still windy here and think we just had some hail im not looking out so u will just have to wonder if it did or not like me isnt worth looking outseide will just look all dark and gloomy bit like me why cant i get right and go back to work do i want to go back to work? i want to go back to work but its such an effort to do anything at the moment i hate it being an effort

that's 2 consecutive nights now that i havent cooked a meal for the kids - i know they not kids - well they behave like kids

i cant blame them when they pull their faces if i dont cook i have always cooked for them they expect it now maybe i have always done too much for them. I am going to start asking them to do more i have to maybe **** did more in the house than i realised at the time. well if he did it eas never done properly lol and he used to say things like 'i have done the pots for you' or 'I have cleaned the floors for you' whats that suppose to mean? for me? why is everything in the house done for me? its not just me that lives in the bloody house. are they suggesting they would prefer to live in squalor?

house is so peaceful not a sound - maybe i should start sleeping during the day and stay up at night so i can have to peace. no sleep in sight! CraZY. ACTUALLY i FEEL LIKE i COULD GET UP NOW AND oooops sorry caught the caps and do some housework - for ME of course LOL.

I'm going to split the wshing mine, *****, ***** and ****** they can then decide a day they want to do their washing and a day they want to do their ironing. if they dont do it its them that wont have something to wear. I've nothing to wear coz i cant get all the washing done well if i do by time its dried and its usally theirs thyen theres another puile waiting to be done i miss my dryer it used to always be on lol even in summer crazy!

i miss my dishwasher too lol my mum used to say she couldn't understand why we had all those cupboards because they were always empty and ll pots would be in dishwasher - clean of course- well most of the time obviosuly if they had just been used and i hadnt turned it on then they would be dirty and not clean

what else do i miss? my bed, my other cat i might bring her here when i get the floors done cant have another cat while we got these awful carpets one of them is peeing somewhere and i cant find it so spend a fortune on cat cleaning stuff and have to do all the corners unless oliver is havingn afit in the night and coz hes all over the place when fitting he wets himself so can imagine pee scattering. cant have these carpets when ****** is moving around yuk how ill could she get

oh that's right wind and hail wake me up i get up now no wind and hail- just like bloody cats waking u early to be fed or go out then u cant go back to sleep and they are curled p fast alseep in front of fire

i miss my fire too i cant wait to start getting this house how i want it and not how it is now i cant wait for the kids to move out does that sound awful? if they helped around house and kept it tidy it would be ok but every morning i get up and everywhere is a friggin mess with baby things college things trainers dirty cups empty coke cans crisp packets do i have mug written on my forehead i mist have. is it too much to ask them to help? am i being selfish am i being abad mum asking them to clear up after themselves and help

i might get up and do some ironing

will have another coffee first i think oh that's it i know what that means it means no i wont iron. i could just iron my clothes? yea why wait until all this ironing is done before I put the plan into place. I'll split the ironing into our own piles, i'll do that after my coffee. I want Saturday and Sunday to do my washing and ironing but that's because when i am at woek i dont alwatys have time in an evening to do much

do u think i'll ever get back to work? gawd the thought of being stuck at home all day everyday worries me what the hell would i do all the time over than shrivel into oblivion is that the right word? i cant even get into watching tv i try but next thing my head is racing its racing now - i doubt u will notice though LOLOL if u got this far reading and cant bare to go on just delete it lol. u need a medal to read this far

cats are confused arent we all lol

its so peaceful not a sound................. bliss!

going to go and make another LOL was going to type cat then - make another cat? purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

going to go and make another coffee.

dont move! I shall return! And stop snoring!!!!

back! That was quick wasn't it>? well you wouldn't know how quick i was lol - could have been an hour for all you know but i wasn't i had boiled the kettle straight after making my first coffee I always do that because i know i always want another ione after the first one after that i will drink water for rest of the day. well sometimes i woill have tea or coffee but never coffee in an afternoon it makes me feel sick in an afternoon. tea does sometimes too that's why i prefer water.

yea justy sussed something out about these tabelts. after about 6 hours of taking one your mind goes on abender. races and races and all sorts go through your head like an express train. flips from one thought to another nothing major usually just silly things. sometimes it can be majpr then u know u r in for a bumpy ride until it wears off. detached that's what it does makes u feel detached from yourself like you are looking at youself from sonmewhere else. like watching a film and wondering what it would be like to be there.

brains are like computers dont u think? great when they are working but a nightmare when they crash. yea that's what a brain is like my computer crashjed needs a new chip or somat lol i hate these tablets they make my mind race and i dont feel like me its like i am watching me- I ought to interview myself when i'm like this - would make for some crap reading afterwards lol. blimey who needs cannabis when u can have citalopram. manic that's it manic a manic mind it will slow soon though like why is that chair just sitting there like that its not doing anything - why bother being there? everything just sits there doing nothing just clutters the place collecting dust have u noticed that dust never seems to get any thicker no matter how long u leave it there? same with pubic hair and eyebrows yes hair on our head or mens beards and moustacj=hes continue to grow i wonder how other hair knows when to stop growing? does it have a ruler? lol can u imagine if u pubes never stoped growing LOLOL perish the thought if atree lived forever how tall would it grow? does grass ever stop growing? remeb er that place when it rained frogs did they ever work out how that happened? wind is back outside not in here. smudhe and sooty gone back to sleep they think i'm crazy too

everyhting is just so still and quiet in the house nothing moves yes my mind just had one of those moments too stayed still and silent that feels good. calm.

just a few songs flicking through it now which one will it stop at i wonder. i think our taste buds atre like finger prints -unique to us! I bet coffee doent taste the same to you as it does to me. wonder if they could ever test that out. how did they discover what its like to se through a ctas eyes or a bees? how did they do that? what must it have been like in victorian times with all those layers of long clothing how did they manage to go to the loo and men in henry 8th time how did they do it? Did I read somehwere they used to have a bottle attached to their leg? I dunno

feel dizzy now like when u had too much to drink

stopped

the mind not the dizziness that's still there nothing in my head tho at monent phew~!

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  • Posted

    oh well, sleep neverreturned so another day coping on 2 hours sleep only.

    Heart feels like its about to burst though taking my pulse it is normal so why it feels like its racing I dont know.

    each breathe feels like its my last one and getting harder to breath in, almost too much of an effort now to take abreth in. very shallow breathes and feling dizzy though I dont think I'm breathing too fast.

    going to get out olf this bed get shower and dressed - keep getting sharp pain in chest region too.

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  • Posted

    I think its safe to say I'm feeling pretty damn crap at the moment - tired, dizzy, nauseous, agitated and irritable. Panicky and shaky.

    I certainly didn't fall asleep feeling like this so why the hell I woke at 2am feeling this way is beyond me.

    Just another crazy day in my crazy world.

    I am desperate for some sleep - I just cannot see how things are going to improve if I am exhausted and running out of energy, everything is such an effort and becoming a bigger effort as each day arrives.

    If I could see my doctor right this second I'd ram the bloody tabelts down her throat and demand she deals with my insomnia first.

    How many more over the coubnter drugs can I mix and match safely (well safely in my mind) as each night passes with nbo sleep the desperation increases and I find myself not really caring what I take as long as it makes me sleep for a few hours. Last night I didnt take anything other than citalopram and what happened? 2 hours sleep.

    Back to my concoction of over the counter medicines tonight. She might be able to cope with no s,leep - I can't and I cant see me getting better if I'm not sleeping.

    Rant over

    Off to do some housework and other mundane crap because how I am ever going to get back to work without sleep is also beyond me.

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  • Posted

    she just sits at her desk typing away at her computer and scribbling out sick notes and prescriptions.

    She would be very well suited to the horlicks advert! How does she sleep at night?

    Yes might put her forward as their next person for the horlicks advert.

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  • Posted

    Melbi..how are you? No what you mean about everything?

    Huh...do you know what?...If your children dont start to help yuo....pu them in the washing machine (lol). I know what yu mean.. My mum, who is stalikng me at the mo, made me wash dishes, clothes and do my own ironing from 11.....when my dad left. I also used to have to tdo the dishses when I came in from scholl...I was never very good at them ...I used to get shouted at for not doing a proper job!!!But hey, now I am good at this stuff, and I thank my mum now, I think you have to help your children. Put it to them...I am helping you in the long run, you gals need to do more for yourselves...so that you can leave home and have fun.

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  • Posted

    I've just read my rambling back to myself - I wrote that about 2am this morning because my mind was racing and racing round and round so decided to type stuff as it raced. Obviously I didnt get it all down - even I'm not that fast at typing lol. I think the fact it has hardly any full stops shows how fast I was typing/thinking - and all silly stuff. Shame we can't have such things analysed - just wondering if there are some hidden meanings in all those ridiculous mind racing thoughts.

    Fridge freezer still not here :cry:

    I knew when they said between 7am and 12 it would be 12 and not 7.

    I will go to sleep after they have been. Tesco delivering shopping at 3pm so they better not be too long because it needs plugging in and leaving before I can use it.

    X has bought me a bottle of night nurse - Hurrah! Will try it tonight.

    Oh not X who posts here lol my x!

    Daughter making me some boiled eggs and toast :D and a mess- I dare say in the process :roll:

    I have told them that I refuse to do their washing and ironing anymore and that I am going to be putting my foot down with regards them helping around the house. Sheesh 3 women in the house - it should be spotless and not a thing out of place.

    Melbi xxx

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  • Posted

    Is it a big house Melbi?

    Sorry, I thought that was exceptionally funny, but I guess it isn't .... really ....

    I've had a few down days when I couldn't think straight too. Drives me nuts!!! Sick of the meds, sick of the side effects, sick of the whole damn issue.

    Could be worse I s'pose. Could be dodging bullets in Afganistan or somewhere.

    Katy it's great to see you consistently supportive. Melbi, I have 5 kids and at some stage they must learn to stand up, or Life will crush them. My kids are a mixed lot, but both my sons are working hard in the mining industry and earning good money.

    Well children, have a GREAT Easter, eat lots of chocolate, love Life 'cause it's all we have. xxx

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  • Posted

    Oh Breezman it was funny to read it back earlier - to me anyway - so glad you could laugh too.

    I jst read it out loiud to both daughters and we were all crying with laughter.

    Wondering should I put those moments to good use and write a book :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

    guys have just range they on way with fridge freeer - hurrah - soon get some sleep now.

    I don't seem to be able to get back up the ladder since starting on 20 mg but believe me I do have a good laugh at myself from time to time.

    Melbi xxx

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  • Posted

    [quote:9b2d421eea=\"Breezman\"]Is it a big house Melbi?

    Sorry, I thought that was exceptionally funny, but I guess it isn't .... really ....

    I've had a few down days when I couldn't think straight too. Drives me nuts!!! Sick of the meds, sick of the side effects, sick of the whole damn issue.

    Could be worse I s'pose. [size=18:9b2d421eea][color=red:9b2d421eea][u:9b2d421eea][b:9b2d421eea] Could be dodging bullets in Afganistan or somewhere.[/b:9b2d421eea][/u:9b2d421eea][/color:9b2d421eea][/size:9b2d421eea]

    Katy it's great to see you consistently supportive. Melbi, I have 5 kids and at some stage they must learn to stand up, or Life will crush them. My kids are a mixed lot, but both my sons are working hard in the mining industry and earning good money.

    Well children, have a GREAT Easter, eat lots of chocolate, love Life 'cause it's all we have. xxx[/quote:9b2d421eea]

    Well I reckon with our racing minds we would be excellent at dodging those bullets. :shock:

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  • Posted

    :shock: Dont kow about that Melbi......they dont have a dyspraxic nutjob in the emotion department, id probably just run into the bullets In Afghanistan :oops: :P :lol:
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  • Posted

    Katy, your last post reminded me of a quote attributed to Winston Churchill. It is said that Lady Astor remarked acidly to Churchill, \"If I were your wife I would put poison in your tea.\", to which he replied, \"If you were my wife, I'd drink it!\"

    Happy Easter. xx

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  • Posted

    :lol: Breezman, I hope you dont think I am a simpleton/ :lol:

    having a laugh with my sister, turned up with.yeah hah...box of wine, but god damb forgot the elastic bands :lol: Apparently she needs them for lambing season :lol: :lol: :lol: She has been told to go help with the lambing season, but I told her she may well get stuck up a sheep and have to be suckked out as she is only about 5st :lol: Poor little lamb....Teeth are now red. :lol:

    How are you feeling? Right now I am good cause mt big sis is here, love her to bits. Take care, katy x

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  • Posted

    No Katy, I never thought you are a simpleton. If you can spell dyspraxic you neither suffer from it nor are you simple. I laughed at your post.

    At least sis remembered the wine! And the lambs really don't mind that the elastic bands haven't arrived.

    Easter can be a wonderful time, sharing love with family. Glad you are enjoying it. Will give the old grey matter time to heal, with some love and laughter.

    Love the emoticons you use. I can't use them because they don't like my Mac software.

    I'm feeling tired but happy. Spent 4 hours on the phone to Bree, which for the moment is as close as I can get. But it's all good. One day closer to being together permanently. Enjoy your big sister's company Katy. Perhaps at some stage you could run your (lack of) love life situation by her and see what she advises. Love and luck! xxx

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  • Posted

    Nope, my sis aint going to understand!!! I Just dunno...Its like hellloooo? I am invisible? I have sent Dr Spock 9 mesages tody ...yes 9..and still have no reply...do you think he is on holiday

    Breezman, i would love to come and visit you, but I need to get my vvs done so I could take the flight...could my kids come 2. My children are lovely. Good kids. If anyone hurts them I want to know about it, so I can hurt them back....do you understand me , or have I completely lostit.

    My sis, tells me to ditch the drugs cause they aint working and that I should just continue being the alcoholic that I am....what do you think?

    Take care , Breezman, wish i was you , luv Katy x

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  • Posted

    Katy, I wonder if anyone understands us apart from us. I am very close to one of my sisters too, since we were infants. And she cares. But no, she doesn't understand. My brother-in-law suggested I just walk away from my daughter, because it's going to cost me everything and she will be a teenager and will be like her mother .... ! I mean, is it just me? What father would walk away from his 10 year old daughter? OK, I guess some would. It's easier to make a baby than a father, but I love my kids and would never walk away. I'll never give up on my little girl, although she must think I have. But that will change when the court allows her access to me.

    Of course you can bring your kids! And you haven't lost it, you are obviously a loving caring mum. With depression. That doesn't mean you leave your kids defenceless. I could never argue forcefully on my own behalf, but I'd kill for my kids. I really mean that. My second daughter was raped when she was 18. 9 years later she is still traumatised. She did not want to take the matter to court, and I don't blame her because out here the court allows smart barristers to twist the facts until the girl is forced to deny she caused the attack! But the man who did this to her has not been heard of since. I suspect he's moved interstate.

    I have given a lot of thought to ditching the drugs, especially because of the side effects. I know where I was at 12 months ago, and I don't want to go back there, but if I found a way to wean myself off them with success I'd start today. But we're messing with emotions and thoughts which do not reflect our pre-depression behaviour, and I don't know how to get back. I really believe that this Seratonin imbalance was caused by some event or experience or sequence of them, and that if we could address these we may be able to reverse the effects without drugs. As for being an alcoholic, that too can be reversed but you need more than willpower. You need a reason. And you need to search deep within yourself to find the reason which will compel you to step back. I have beaten cigarettes and alcohol, in both instances because of my kids. Re the alcohol, I saw a video of Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush singing \"Don't Give Up\", and it made me think about what my kids were missing because of my stressed-out bingeing. I was never violent, but melancholy and unreachable. I am one cigarette away from being a smoker again, but for some reason I can still have 2 beers without wasting a week in a semi-comatose condition because I can't stop. I'm one of the lucky ones, I think.

    As for you wishing you were me, Katy, you are a loving, funny, caring girl who just doesn't have the right partner yet. But he's out there! He is! But before you are able to recognise him in the masses, you need to be emotionally available. Yeah, I know that's trite, but it's true. My grandfather told me when I was 18, that if I had one girl I should have only one girl. If I saw another girl I wanted, I should break off with the first one first. When I filed for divorce it was not for wanting another girl, but because I realised that my marriage was unfixable and that I could never remove my wedding ring and lead another girl up the path. I did not want another relationship. But I realised that someone special might wander across my path, and she did. And to love her more is not possible. Don't give up on yourself Katy. My Bree complains that she is fat. I am slim, have never been fat, although if I drink too much I get a fat tummy for a while. But I love this girl. She is lovely, loving, sweet, I could go on. Add the superlative of choice. So she's not a teenager. Neither am I, and for those middle-aged men who find the buxom 20's something blonde thing with the hourglass figure and the heart of a banker, good luck! I think they are faintly ridiculous, but good luck to 'em if they're happy.

    Katy, the reason this forum is so well pa

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  • Posted

    Breezman, that was a lovely message, But yeah, though you tried my feelings are still there.]=67777777p[] God damb cat keeps walking over keyboard , purring, but I love my innocent beast!

    You to are a magic person, I hope some day the black clouds will dissapear and we canlet sunlight in....I have drank loads of wine tonight and I aint taking that pill cause I feel huge, big fat mama!!!

    I have to go get some shut eye now, Take care Breezman, love your posts too, lots of hugs, though I am inacapable of hugging, unless you are me child!!! but hugs from me to give to Bree for you., take care, TT

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