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I would like to share the email I sent to my fella during one of my manic moments. I've blocked out names for obvious reasons but I'm hoping that by sharing this with you all if anyone else experiences the same type of thing then you know you are not alone. I also need to point out that these ramblings appear to happen several hours after taking citalopram, they last about an hour sometimes less sometimes longer. The one below lasted just over 1 hour and stopped as quick as it started after waking up at 2am having a panic attack. I really do hope some can relate to it and help. Yes, if someone is here at the time I would ramble orally, but because of the time I am alone so emailed my rambles. Not sure if releasing it all either orally or writing helps or not but that is what I do.
tis me again - the mad one! Got my coffee now and 2 bloody cats to keep me company. Kitchen is fine and no ice in freezer now. that's coz I aint that daft and i put some towels down in front of freezer last night. i am going to be so bloody tired tomorrw (AGAIN) getting really pissed off with me at moment cant sleep but knackered want to sleep but cant - why? why wake up panicking ffs i wa supoposed to be asleep asleep = relaxed right? so why wake in a panic and gasping for air - told ya I'm crazy.
I dont like these tablets at all they are adding to my problems not solving them. is that you i can hear snoring tut u told me u didn't snore. wish u were here now - missing u. do u still love me? if i could get a few decent nights sleep and rid of this knackeredness id feel more like doing things but i feel so friggin tired all the time everything is an effort well you arent an effort i could lie in your arm all day and night feels safe when i am in your arms.
still windy here and think we just had some hail im not looking out so u will just have to wonder if it did or not like me isnt worth looking outseide will just look all dark and gloomy bit like me why cant i get right and go back to work do i want to go back to work? i want to go back to work but its such an effort to do anything at the moment i hate it being an effort
that's 2 consecutive nights now that i havent cooked a meal for the kids - i know they not kids - well they behave like kids
i cant blame them when they pull their faces if i dont cook i have always cooked for them they expect it now maybe i have always done too much for them. I am going to start asking them to do more i have to maybe **** did more in the house than i realised at the time. well if he did it eas never done properly lol and he used to say things like 'i have done the pots for you' or 'I have cleaned the floors for you' whats that suppose to mean? for me? why is everything in the house done for me? its not just me that lives in the bloody house. are they suggesting they would prefer to live in squalor?
house is so peaceful not a sound - maybe i should start sleeping during the day and stay up at night so i can have to peace. no sleep in sight! CraZY. ACTUALLY i FEEL LIKE i COULD GET UP NOW AND oooops sorry caught the caps and do some housework - for ME of course LOL.
I'm going to split the wshing mine, *****, ***** and ****** they can then decide a day they want to do their washing and a day they want to do their ironing. if they dont do it its them that wont have something to wear. I've nothing to wear coz i cant get all the washing done well if i do by time its dried and its usally theirs thyen theres another puile waiting to be done i miss my dryer it used to always be on lol even in summer crazy!
i miss my dishwasher too lol my mum used to say she couldn't understand why we had all those cupboards because they were always empty and ll pots would be in dishwasher - clean of course- well most of the time obviosuly if they had just been used and i hadnt turned it on then they would be dirty and not clean
what else do i miss? my bed, my other cat i might bring her here when i get the floors done cant have another cat while we got these awful carpets one of them is peeing somewhere and i cant find it so spend a fortune on cat cleaning stuff and have to do all the corners unless oliver is havingn afit in the night and coz hes all over the place when fitting he wets himself so can imagine pee scattering. cant have these carpets when ****** is moving around yuk how ill could she get
oh that's right wind and hail wake me up i get up now no wind and hail- just like bloody cats waking u early to be fed or go out then u cant go back to sleep and they are curled p fast alseep in front of fire
i miss my fire too i cant wait to start getting this house how i want it and not how it is now i cant wait for the kids to move out does that sound awful? if they helped around house and kept it tidy it would be ok but every morning i get up and everywhere is a friggin mess with baby things college things trainers dirty cups empty coke cans crisp packets do i have mug written on my forehead i mist have. is it too much to ask them to help? am i being selfish am i being abad mum asking them to clear up after themselves and help
i might get up and do some ironing
will have another coffee first i think oh that's it i know what that means it means no i wont iron. i could just iron my clothes? yea why wait until all this ironing is done before I put the plan into place. I'll split the ironing into our own piles, i'll do that after my coffee. I want Saturday and Sunday to do my washing and ironing but that's because when i am at woek i dont alwatys have time in an evening to do much
do u think i'll ever get back to work? gawd the thought of being stuck at home all day everyday worries me what the hell would i do all the time over than shrivel into oblivion is that the right word? i cant even get into watching tv i try but next thing my head is racing its racing now - i doubt u will notice though LOLOL if u got this far reading and cant bare to go on just delete it lol. u need a medal to read this far
cats are confused arent we all lol
its so peaceful not a sound................. bliss!
going to go and make another LOL was going to type cat then - make another cat? purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
going to go and make another coffee.
dont move! I shall return! And stop snoring!!!!
back! That was quick wasn't it>? well you wouldn't know how quick i was lol - could have been an hour for all you know but i wasn't i had boiled the kettle straight after making my first coffee I always do that because i know i always want another ione after the first one after that i will drink water for rest of the day. well sometimes i woill have tea or coffee but never coffee in an afternoon it makes me feel sick in an afternoon. tea does sometimes too that's why i prefer water.
yea justy sussed something out about these tabelts. after about 6 hours of taking one your mind goes on abender. races and races and all sorts go through your head like an express train. flips from one thought to another nothing major usually just silly things. sometimes it can be majpr then u know u r in for a bumpy ride until it wears off. detached that's what it does makes u feel detached from yourself like you are looking at youself from sonmewhere else. like watching a film and wondering what it would be like to be there.
brains are like computers dont u think? great when they are working but a nightmare when they crash. yea that's what a brain is like my computer crashjed needs a new chip or somat lol i hate these tablets they make my mind race and i dont feel like me its like i am watching me- I ought to interview myself when i'm like this - would make for some crap reading afterwards lol. blimey who needs cannabis when u can have citalopram. manic that's it manic a manic mind it will slow soon though like why is that chair just sitting there like that its not doing anything - why bother being there? everything just sits there doing nothing just clutters the place collecting dust have u noticed that dust never seems to get any thicker no matter how long u leave it there? same with pubic hair and eyebrows yes hair on our head or mens beards and moustacj=hes continue to grow i wonder how other hair knows when to stop growing? does it have a ruler? lol can u imagine if u pubes never stoped growing LOLOL perish the thought if atree lived forever how tall would it grow? does grass ever stop growing? remeb er that place when it rained frogs did they ever work out how that happened? wind is back outside not in here. smudhe and sooty gone back to sleep they think i'm crazy too
everyhting is just so still and quiet in the house nothing moves yes my mind just had one of those moments too stayed still and silent that feels good. calm.
just a few songs flicking through it now which one will it stop at i wonder. i think our taste buds atre like finger prints -unique to us! I bet coffee doent taste the same to you as it does to me. wonder if they could ever test that out. how did they discover what its like to se through a ctas eyes or a bees? how did they do that? what must it have been like in victorian times with all those layers of long clothing how did they manage to go to the loo and men in henry 8th time how did they do it? Did I read somehwere they used to have a bottle attached to their leg? I dunno
feel dizzy now like when u had too much to drink
the mind not the dizziness that's still there nothing in my head tho at monent phew~!
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