Really bad day want it to end

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I don't think I will but I can't stop thinking about it. Keep thinking abou the meds and get excited about not being here anhmore. I have had a little drink but not so much. Had fall out with a very trusted friend and feel betrayed and humiliated. And sick of mind going ten to the dozen, constant thinking every single day trying to get better and make sense of things and can't get over breakdown I had last year - keep reliving the trauma. Was feeling suicidal so doc upped me from 20 to 30mg Cit. I have had some really good days then sudden slump like today happening more often and even more suicidal.

 

So tired of it. not even crying. Everyone sick of my depression for a year now, can't talk to anyone. Supportive boyfriend trying to give solutions but doesnt matter I just want out. Also to avenge the people who have hurt me and caused my breakdown - then they will be sorry. Feel like will just be relief if I go.

Feel selfish and ashamed on top of anxiety and depression, my friend commited suicide and left distruction but now I understand why. Counselling not helping. Maybe I should switch meds. Don't know what to do. 

Sorry to freak anyone out, know you all strugglin too. 

x

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Caramax,

    This may not be the reply you are looking for however maybe seeing a Naturopath might be beneficial. Your body maybe lacking certain types of nutrients and your adrenal glands are sure to be fatigued with all the adrenaline and cortisol they are releasing. I'm not putting doctors down however most come from a medical model of health where treating the symptoms are the main focus the not the cause. Most doctors are just writing out prescriptions and telling you to take them. For example they dont educate on nutrition which is where all good health starts. Medications may help people and probably do however , treating someone holistcally is important too.

    I hope you start to feel better soon smile

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  • Posted

    Hi caramax, I kow exactly how you feel, I stopped taking Cit 2 weeks ago and felt like hell doing it, I suppose it is the chemicals in the brain that have to sort themselves out after having this Cit put in them. As I said I stopped completely 2 weeks ago and felt like ending it all, kept thinking of going back on meds but I am trying to stay strong, but very difficult time, I don't want to get up, do anything like mundane chores and I too have taken to a drop of alcohol, it lifts me up for a while then I spin down into depression. Keep in there, I am there for you if you want to talk some more. I wish I could hang my doctor who gave me these 7 years ago.Bless you, love Barbara xx xx
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  • Posted

    How long have you been on the Citalopram at the current dose?
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    • Posted

      Hi Rhys

      3 months now. Got upped from 20mg about a month ago after bad suicidal thoughts. Weirdly I became bit happier for a bit but when I fall like yesterday and today it's totall devestation. Am seeing the doc tonight  - thinking of changing meds. Any advice? x

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  • Posted

    Hi Caramax,

    So sorry to hear your feeling like this.

    I had a breakdown in 2008 due to hormones and am under a professor.  The first year was horrendous.  But now they have levelled my hormones back out I can say life is back to normal.

    I tried to commit suicide and glad I failed, but that was because I was in the fight on my own and nobody would help or listen - so I totally understand.  My GP said it wasn't hormonal, when it clearly was.  I had to do lots of research and find this professor myself.

    My best friend did the same to me - but it was when I left my first husband - so totally understand how you feel.  The betrayal was horrendous.

    Your body has gone through a big trauma - and it takes quite a while for it to get over it.  Any shadow and I mean the slightest little thing and the lymbic part of the brain (subconscious) - which controls our feelings, emotions and responses, including survival responses such as flight, fight or freeze - will flag it as a danger and will automatically recall all those feelings etc and they will come flooding back, which explains why your brain keeps reliving it.  But if you keep telling yourself it isn't happening (reality thinking) you can bring your logic being your short term memory back on line and it will stop your brain going in to a panic.  Takes a little while but it does work.

    Our hormones control over 400 functions of our body and the effects they have on the brain is astronomical. 

    My brain used to race when my hormones poured in at night as our hormones bring in adrenaline with them and our hormones can make us quite hyper.

    I know woman who have had merina coils fitted which have made them way anxious and if you type that in, in google (merina coils and anxiety) you will be surprised at what comes up.  Also woman who have had the five year implants and had biopolar symptoms.

    I am labelled as severe but my hormones gave me a physcosis - which again you can google.  But now levelled out - hey presto.

    So sorry to hear that your friend committed suicide and totally understand that you must feel so alone and helpless.

    I hope this helps.  Here for you.  Big hugs.  Mel Xx

     

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  • Posted

    Hi Caramax,

    Hope you feeling better, I know it is hard at this time to reach out, but it is really good for the soul.

    My husband had to drag me through a year of hell after my breakdown.  But time really does heal and I am back living and loving life to the full.  Especially now that my hormones are balanced out.

    Just to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Big hugs and loves Mel Xx

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    • Posted

      Hi Mel

      Sorry for late replies. Was hiding away. I do really appreaciatte your lovely messages, they are so helpful and it is good to know you have been there and come out the other side. Could you message me the name of your professor at all pls? It's ok if you prefer not though or can't / I will look into it myself. 

      I really have got to look into this properly.

      In the meantime my doc has put me on Mirtazapine mostly because I wasn't s;eeping on Cit .This happened 4 days ago and for the first few days I was ok and it has helped me sleep. He told me to stop the Cit (all this was done over the phone as no time for appointments) but after internet research I didn't stop the cit and decided to taper off. 

      Last night I had the most terrible pains and was rollling around, sweating and vommiting all night (never had anything like it and can only imagine it would be similar to heroin withdrawl) and today I am feeling completley dazed and achey. 

      Not sure if I made a mistake and should've come off Cit like he said. Worried might have seratonin syndrome or discontinuation syndrome. The symtoms seem to be similar.

      Gona post around for advice. Doc is usless and I also feel embarrassed as I can feel he is exhausted with me and I also don't trust they know what they are doing.

      I am sure it will be ok. My life on hold again and cancelling on friends and hiding stuff has become the norm (some do - but most just don't understand. Am lucky I have some great support though. And I really appreaciatte this board and yours and everyone's comments. 

      xxx

       

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    • Posted

      Oh you poor love - I so feel for you and wish I could be there to give you big hugs and tell you there is light at the other side.

      Have been exactly where you have been with GP's etc. etc. and felt like I was fighting this alone and didn't know where to go, which makes it ten times worse.  I have had my whole medical record rewritten, etc. etc.

      Professor is called Professor Pinkney and he is at Deriford Hospital in Plymouth - he has moved around quite alot and he is brought in by the NHS - he does a lot of work in universities and came highly recommend by the pituitary organisation.  If he is too far away for you if you look up the pituitary organisation on line and give them a ring - you want the endocrinology nurse called Alison, she posts her phone number on there and she is just amazing - she can recommend a professor in your area - but you must explain that you need some one for your hormones as well as endocrinology.

      Your GP cannot stop you recommending yourself to go and see Professor Pinkney or any of the others - I have phone numbers for him and email contact - but he works alongside Professor English there.

      If I can be of any other help or support - always here.

      Love Mel Xx

      p.s. in my thoughts and prayers.

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    • Posted

      Melanie, you are wonderful. x

      Thank you so much for the information. 

      I am looking into this now. Will keep you informed x

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    • Posted

      Do you think I should stay on cit 10mg or go back up to higher? Am I right in remembering you were on Cit for a while through your breakdown and it helped? If so which dose and was that also when you had your hormone treatment?

      I'm thinking about totally ditching the mirtazapine as although it's very early days and does help me sleep I don't want to go through all other side effects again (citalopram took 10 weeks before started working). It does help me sleep though as I have insomnia. Hard to know what is the right approach.

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    • Posted

      Hi there Caramax,

      You are so welcome for the info - as if I can help - don't want people to go through the same as I have had to.

      Okay the breakdown was due to my hormones - I was having acupuncture to help them.  My hormones have always made me hyper as my ovaries have been on hyper drive for years.  Hence miscarriages as would get pregnant and then ovulate on top and it would make me loose.  There is a lot more I could go in to but don't want to bore you.  GP's well don't even go there.  That's how ended up seeking alternative things.

      Any hows basically the acupuncture took the hyperness and made it ten times worse and sent it in to mania and I ended up having a phycosis / breakdown because of it all.  Lots of woman do going through perimenopausal years / menopause. Or the onset of their hormones and if not balanced out will continue or pills, coils, implants - have made woman have bipolar symptoms etc. etc. 

      They don't publicise that acupuncture actually pushes your nervous system and in turn your brain to produce endorpins.  I know lots of people who had had real bad side effects and actually got addicted to it.  Again all medical facts substantiated.  In fact my GP said they have now realised this and will only let people have 2 x 20 min session in one year.

      This is all medical fact obtained and sustantiated through the professor. 

      I did a total medical history - which is oh so helpful for the professor - including the hormone imbalance that runs right throughout my family.  My 3 cousins have the same prob.

      My hormones got so bad that the professor shut them down to give my body a break - by shutting my pituitary down.

      Now I am on everol conti patches - which have balanced my hormones back out and praying for that day when I have no more periods!!!!

      On looking through this and what I was told through the receptionist at the pituitary org, who has polycestic ovaries - which I have been border line and in and out of at times - citalopram is the best for hormones.

      The maintenance dose is 20 mg.  At my worst with my hormones and before the injections I went from 20 to 30 mg and then last year dropped to 20 mg - after Christmas dropped to 15 mg, but all was fine - no side effects or nothing and then wham my ovaries went hyper again and so did I - bouncing off the ceiling - which the pill did to me.  So I have come to the conclusion that 20 mg is what my body requires to suppress those darn ovaries and all those nasty hormones.

      Hope this helps - but think 10 mg isn't enough.  I have suffered with insomnia when my hormones have been raging - but sleep like a baby on 20 mg - except around ovulation and period time, as I bring a lot of adrenaline in with my hormones.  They do have me listed as severe sad.  But it is always in the middle of the night when are hormones come in do I wake up around those times now for a little while.

      If I can be of any further help to support and encourage or point you in the right direction always here.

      Big hugs Mel Xxcheesygrin

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