Posted , 5 users are following.
About 7 weeks ago, something happened between my boyfriend and i that caused guilt, shame, and hurt for the both of us. At the time, we had been together for 5 and a half months. We were able to get past it but for the two days after i kept on over thinking about, crying and looking up answers online to calm myself down a bit. I wasn't eating at all and i began to doubt my love for my boyfriend out of nowhere. This made me even more anxious and caused me to cry and look up even more things on the internet.
After these two days passed by, on thanksgiving night ( i remember all of the dates of when everything happened), I began to feel really depressed and sad. For about 1-2 weeks, I had very low appetite, thoughts of how if I wasn't alive, i would feel better (not suicidal and i never took action or made a plan), would cry nearly everyday, and was just a huge mess in general. However, it gradually got better but im still feeling extremely off and not like myself. I began to dissociate (? i think) and i felt like nothing was real, especially when the sun set and it became night. Now, fast forwarding to this day, I went to a therapist last week after 6 weeks of everything falling apart, and she was super sweet and diagnosed me with acute symptoms of anxiety and depression. I'm meeting her once a week until i begin to feel better. I still over -think and search things up. My head feels extremely heavy and i have found that even with good sleep this does not go away.
My boyfriend and I are still together, even though we've had a few rough patches because of my irrational thinking, and today is actually our 7 month anniversary. Before all of this began to happen, we had the most amazing relationship ever. The love i felt for him was overwhelming and everything he did was so amazing. And i know, i know, thats how love always starts and theres a honeymoon phase but this just doesn't feel right. He has been so supporting and has tried his best to help me and has even offered to take me to my therapy sessions. But by this point i am so tired of feeling anxious around him and asking myself "do you love him? " every time im with him and comparing our relationship to how it used to be and picking out his flaws and convincing myself that im no longer in love with him that i just feel numb and dont even want to try anymore. I know something is wrong but im just so tired and its so hard to think of not feeling like this and feeling good. At points, I've even convinced myself that im not depressed or anxious, but i am just falling out of love. But this doesn't feel right. So im going to keep fighting but im so tired of feeling guilty, hopeless, empty and waking every morning and remembering that something is wrong. Panic attacks. I cant even forgive myself for waiting so long t go to therapy because everyday i convince myself that i will be depressed and anxious forever and by the end of the night, after searching everything up, i know ill someday be as happy as i was before again but the next day i have to convince myself all over again. Also it might help if i mention that my parents got divorced in a horrible way when i was a child and i never really coped or dealt with it at all, just put it to the side. I feel crazy. Please help me.
0 likes, 5 replies