regarding depression for 1 week

Dear Lucy I do feel for you and if it's any consolation  I have similar story. I am male aged 54 so probably somewhat older than you and gay . I am now married to a guy and on paper have a lot going for me but like you I feel terrified and relate to my past relationship of 10 years ago where I moved out of London to be with him but could not settle become depressed and did not work and become isolated. I more or less sabertaged that relationship and returned to London to live with my mum. Fast forward 24 years and though married and able to retire and moved out of London I find I can't settle and have become anxious and reclusive I am so fearful yet really thought this time I could do it but overthink of my comfort zone as London where we retain a property that I purchased whilst working but hardly lived there as preferrrd to live at my mothers house in London which has been family home since I was 9 . My mum is now lonely and I feel pulled in both directions and miss my comfort zone and though I love my husband I miss my mum and comfort zone of London which I hated when there as hectic busyness involved with travel and work . But all my past insecurities have come back and my issues with my appearance as had bad acne and uneven skin tone when younger and these demons that were constant even when working have manifested to the point that I spend my day trapped in the mirror and finally realising that apart from my job I had and have no interests that I pursued as felt need to always wash and cover blemishes that I would not make effort to go out . I am having counselling and on meds but I can't see positives in my life and now feel torn between my partner and my mother whom truth be known I'm over attached to and though she is in good health at 88 she is experiencing memory issues due to dependency on drink and being alone herself . She won't sell and move and I can't go on just existing within 4 walls as nice as they are as I can't rid myself of my poor body image and won't go out . So please Lucy don't give up probably giving up work may of been the worst thing I did but I have the dream life financially but mentally I am at my worst I feel isolated and worthless and fear all the time love and light David x

Maybe you need to go back on meds for a little while. Or, maybe just a therapists. You should see a professional. Especially with having thoughts. I have been on meds for 17 years. I have it really bad. But if you go back on meds research them first and ask about drinking with them.