regarding depression for 1 week

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hello i am depressed for 1 week i had depression 13 years ago for a while but i was put on lots of medications but then i fought it on my own it was a very dark place in my life i dont want to ever go back!!! but this past week i have been feeling sadness depressed etc...since i have been drinkign 2 glasses of wine very night when i am ove rmy boyfriends house on new years day my boyfriend  asked me if i was ok so that triggered me thinking im becoming an alcoholic maybe just like my dad or brother it runs in my family as you can see so when he asked me if i was ok i got very sad from that point on every night after that i did not drink i was scared to touch a drink because i was scared to drink and also i dont know if i drank because i wasnt happy when i was at his house because its quiet neighborhood different thatn where i live in the city is very loud busy i dont know why i am feeling this way now its been a week and i am feeling the feelings i felt 12 years ago! i am moving in with my boyfriend in about a month and this just started i was excited to move in etc.... i was engaged 13 years ago well together for 13 but engaged for 8 i started to get depressed while the end of our enagement and i went into full blown depression i was living with my mom i had intrusive thoughts it was worse years ago this past week its just sadness pushing to get out of bed going to work etc...i am working very hard on getting better and i know i am strong i fought it the last time not quickly but i was put on alot of medications 13 years ago but i weaned off of all of them and i started to go back to gym got a job changed my life completley and i did it on my own with no medications i am so scared right now!!!! i dont want that to happen to me again. i know i am strong i know i can fight this during the mid afternoon my hopes get better like i said i love my boyfriend hes my best friend the best man i ever met and i dont want to lose him!!!! i do self talk alot to myself to get better when the evil negative s**t comes into my head!! 

what do you all do? any feeback will help? honestly i dont think i am an alcholic btw i am a light weight i dont mix i just love wine i have at least 2 cups if any its just ever since that night something just dug at me and now i feel like shiTTTTTTTTT

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  • Posted

    Dear Lucy I do feel for you and if it's any consolation  I have similar story. I am male aged 54 so probably somewhat older than you and gay . I am now married to a guy and on paper have a lot going for me but like you I feel terrified and relate to my past relationship of 10 years ago where I moved out of London to be with him but could not settle become depressed and did not work and become isolated. I more or less sabertaged that relationship and returned to London to live with my mum. Fast forward 24 years and though married and able to retire and moved out of London I find I can't settle and have become anxious and reclusive I am so fearful yet really thought this time I could do it but overthink of my comfort zone as London where we retain a property that I purchased whilst working but hardly lived there as preferrrd to live at my mothers house in London which has been family home since I was 9 . My mum is now lonely and I feel pulled in both directions and miss my comfort zone and though I love my husband I miss my mum and comfort zone of London which I hated when there as hectic busyness involved with travel and work . But all my past insecurities have come back and my issues with my appearance as had bad acne and uneven skin tone when younger and these demons that were constant even when working have manifested to the point that I spend my day trapped in the mirror and finally realising that apart from my job I had and have no interests that I pursued as felt need to always wash and cover blemishes that I would not make effort to go out . I am having counselling and on meds but I can't see positives in my life and now feel torn between my partner and my mother whom truth be known I'm over attached to and though she is in good health at 88 she is experiencing memory issues due to dependency on drink and being alone herself . She won't sell and move and I can't go on just existing within 4 walls as nice as they are as I can't rid myself of my poor body image and won't go out . So please Lucy don't give up probably giving up work may of been the worst thing I did but I have the dream life financially but mentally I am at my worst I feel isolated and worthless and fear all the time love and light David x

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  • Posted

    Dear Lucy

    Maybe you need to go back on meds for a little while. Or, maybe just a therapists. You should see a professional. Especially with having thoughts. I have been on meds for 17 years. I have it really bad. But if you go back on meds research them first and ask about drinking with them.

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    • Posted

      hello,

      thank you. yes i am on medication and i am seeing a therapist i just started medication 2 days ago its citopralm. i fought it before well it was 13 years ago i am motivated i still get up and do what i have to do i get knots in my stomache sometimes and i just get scared i think and i panick i just dont want to get like i did years ago!!!!!!!!! that scares the s**t out of me i have a great boyfriend great family my job sucks but i have it good and i feel like this i dont understand what the hell is wrong with me, one night i sat i my car and cried and cried and i yelled to myself i am not going to let this beat me i am a new lucy now, 13 years ago i had intrusive thoughts but this time i dont i just feel sad and its hard for me to do what i want to i do workout not as much as i should but i am going to go tomorrow morning i will push myself more and more every day i am just wondering if anyone knows of any good books to read> my friend recommended a book caled "bad ass" just want some feedbacks please i want to smile and laugh again!!!! i am so frustrated with myself 

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    • Posted

      I cry like that also. I don’t even know why. My dr just changed the meds and the crying stopped. So did the knots in my stomach when I woke up every day. I don’t understand it either. I do know that it is an illness pertaining to the brain chemistry. Professionals are able to subside it but not cure it. I know that is bad news but unfortunately that’s the way it is. I’m sorry that you are going through this. You can always come here and talk and vent and ask for ideas.
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