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Hi everyone, sorry for the length of this post! Don’t know what else to do
I posted a few month back about an issue I was having with my boyfriend, or maybe I should say with myself. Long story short, I had a random thought one day “you don’t love him anymore” that sent me into a complete panic and worried/thought about it for months. That was in late September. (This thought came totally out nowhere a couple of weeks before our two year anniversary. Our relationship is great for the most part, we have the same values, don’t argue much and are best friends, our families are close and before this thought nothing in our relationship had changed to make me feel this way.) I refused to believe that I was simple falling out of love with him because in my heart I knew I loved him and when I pictured being without him I cried uncontrollably... but still these thoughts just consumed me every single day all day, thoughts like “what If you are just forcing yourself to be with him” and “you don’t love him anymore” to name a few. I had never thought that I struggled with anxiety or depression and I had never been diagnosed with either or even saw a doctor for either, but the way I was feeling certainly felt like both depression and anxiety. Side note, around the time this all had started, I was extremely stressed at school (I am trying to get into the nursing program at my university), and I have always been extremely self conscious about myself and have had horrible relationships in the past. So fast forward to about December, I’m still having these thoughts but not as frequently. I decided to see a therapist a couple of times, I went to see her twice and explained to her about my problem I was having and she told me it seemed that I had some anxiety issues and that the thoughts that I were having we’re intrusive thoughts. After going to her those two times I felt much better, so much so that I told her I didn’t think I needed to continue therapy for now. Everything was good for a few weeks, I still did have those thoughts though,l through out the day, I had just learned to cope with them. It has made me feel quite disconnected though from my relationship and from myself. It’s a weird feeling I’m not really sure how to explain it. But sometimes everything is great, mostly when I am with my boyfriend. We are still as affectionate as ever, and I initiate that as much as I used to not because I feel I have to but because I want to. We still laugh together and plan dated and do everything that we always have. These things tell me that yes I do really love him still and that these thoughts are just anxiety thoughts, but then when I’m alone I cannot stop thinking and sometimes I was even have a strong urge to end it with him but I have to stop and recollect myself. I don’t want to ruin my relationship because of this. My boyfriend and I have been through so much together and he always has my back and I have his. He is truly my best friend and I just want to go back to the way it used to be before this anxiety. But then sometimes I think “we’ll what if it’s not anxiety and you are just afraid to face the fact that you don’t love him” it’s all very confusing and I don’t know what to do. It’s breaking me down a lot. I just want to be happy, and I know that if I break up with him I would be even more upset. Any advice? Coping mechanisms? And ideas of what this could be? Oh and p.s I have talked to him about these thoughts/anxiety before and he is very supportive but I don’t like to talk about it too much with him because I don’t want him to worry.
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