Roller coaster ride!

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I like roller coasters, but not when it's my emotions!!

Had a wobble today after being on an upward turn. Was doing just fine when a few wee stresses here and there have sent me crashing tonight!

It's been ages since there have been tears and I was so low that I did cry. Caught me by surprise I can tell you! It's been a while.

Had a brainstorm, of those old nagging negative thoughts, like is this how it's going to be? Is there nothing more and if so what is the point?! :?

Then the real stinkers started like no-body cares, wants to know... loves you, your useless, ugly, so why even bother? bla, bla, bla.... I know that there will be folk out there knowing where I am coming from, so rather than just stewing over it, I used some of the CBT I've done and then I fired up the PC to do this post, for my sanity sake!!

I know that there wil be ups and therefore the downs, but I thought that I was more up...

:roll:

Just shows me that I have a way to go, but I am going to make it! I am not getting this far and throwing in the towel! I think since I am having a bit more trouble sleeping that isn't helping so I will have to see if I can improve there.

As usual its alway good to \"talk\"! I know (and hope!) that things will be better in the morning and if there are any other folk out there having a bad day, that goes for them also!

.... time to switch off

............ night.

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13 Replies

  • Posted

    Hey you, could have said exactly what you have..........

    Having a big down turn.... but then if I go down.... have to come up! eventually...

    Life is... well it just is...

    hey hope it gets better for you x

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  • Posted

    Maybe it is because I was at work all weekend??

    Stuff to do, no time to think, but this evening I seem to be back in an even keel... maybe the thought of no work for the next 2 days helps, but venting most definitely helped...

    I am glad this is here and if you are wondering if you should start taking the pills, it is scary to start with, the thought of it, but it does make things better! Not straight away, but they do!

    For the moment it's good, am calm, relaxed and chilled - long may it contiune (with few blips on the way!!)

    Cheers

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  • Posted

    Hi ya, mine down turn was because I went to work........... had a panic attack and threw in the towel so to speak.......

    I am on meds, only 6 weeks in... am getting better, but just not fast enough.

    Have spoken to my dr and work today, all agreed I need a phased return with support...... god I feel so weak and stupid!

    But I know thats the way it has to be, and yes this site allows rants and a few honest thoughts........... it all helps

    M x

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  • Posted

    Hi Mushroom (+ Miss Jojo of course)

    I remember my return to work was phased for 6 weeks. It certainly helped to get to grips with the meds and life in general.

    My even keel is being rocked - probably due to shoulder injury - again and training in disarray due to delays outside my control.

    I agree with both of you that ranting on here certainly gets it out of the system.

    Best wishes to you both and don't be too hard on yourselves.

    :wink: x

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  • Posted

    Hello Meganpooch (odd name)

    Thank you for your reply, not looking forward to the phased return to work, but its the only way I'll get back.....

    I am a supervisor, and have to deal with situations for others all the time! why can't I do it for myself? I'm full of reasurance for others but can't find any for myself?, I have very supportive siblings and parents, also an understanding boyfriend (at my age I guess its a man friend lol),

    I am employed, have a home, a great family and a few close friends, so why have I crumbled? I'm not obese or even over weight, or ugly......

    Anyone on the outside looking in would say I have an acceptable existence..........

    So why am I not coping or getting on with enjoying life?

    Just a few thoughts from my twisted mind...

    M x :cry:

    So why

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  • Posted

    Me again!

    Just had to stick in my 10p worth Mushroom (and you think Meganpooch is strange!?!?)

    In relation to you asking why... sometimes you may never actually figure a reason why (as far as I know) and it's just something that jumps up and bites some folk! Maybe not what you were wanting to hear, but bear in mind, it is an illness.

    Cheers

    Jojo.

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  • Posted

    Hi jo jo,

    Hey its worth more than 10p... and yes I get the bit about it can happen to anyone, but me being me, I need a reason, something to work on, something to kick back at.

    Its odd really, coz now I've let the depression out, I just don't see a way back, I've given up on the image, the face that copes, and now can't seem to find it anywhere............

    oh well, see what happens tomorrow

    M x

    ps, yes Mushroom is an odd name too, it comes from working night shifts, kept in the dark and fed on sh1t!

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  • Posted

    Hi both of you

    Odd name indeed!! :lol: All the conventional ones failed way back when hence the name. Its one i can remember which is more than i can say for my password which i just totally forgot!! Oh for a memory that lasts longer than a goldfish's.

    It's good, mushroom, that you have a support network around you of close family and friends that is there for you. I know that unless others have gone through the illness, that it is very difficult for them to understand the rollercoaster ride your emotions are going through.

    I was one of those odd people who was not ashamed of what Miss Jojo rightly called an illness - which is exactly what it is. I try and educate the sort of narrow minded people of the 'snap out of it' brigade.

    We don't choose to fall ill. In the early stages i thought of it as an illness and it used to worry me but its strange now, over 2years on, it doesn't feel that way.

    Recently, when communicating with people who didn't know, i have mentioned it and they have said they wouldn't have known unless i had mentioned it. Wheareas i have felt insecure, vunerable and incompetent (all negatives) - they have only seen confidence and positivity. It is strange how the mind works.

    Stick with the meds, take any help that is offered and go with the flow. Have some 'me' time and don't take on too many problems from others.

    Speak soon and best wishes to you both.

    MP x :roll: :wink:

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  • Posted

    Hi all,

    wise words there from Megan Pooch,

    yes it is an illness and can take time to get used to that reality, but doesn't mean to say we won't get better

    a person could have the best job in the world, the best marriage in the world etc but they could still have a depressive illness

    you only have to look at famous people like Stephen Fry, Ronnie O'Sullivan (professional snooker player), Marcus Trescothick (professional cricketer) to see that people we think have great lives are still just as susceptible as anyone to having a mental health problem

    i think it has helped that alot of famous people have opened up to the problems they've had with depression as it makes the public more aware of the illness and helps the sufferers understand that famous people can be having to deal with the same difficulties as us

    a question i sometimes ask myself is - \"is depression or anxiety a direct result of life experiences or is it a chemical imbalance in the brain - lack of serotonin etc)\"

    maybe it is just a bit of both but everyone is different so it's not something you can be exact about

    one final thought - does anyone here sometimes wonder whether taking the medication itself feels like it's making you better rather than the actual drugs doing it,

    in other words, is it partly psychological if we start to feel better or is it 100% the medication?

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  • Posted

    Hi there Matt

    Thanks for the compliment. I had a friend at work (i say had as we have both left now) who i discussed the problems in the early stages. He was also a sufferer (but one who felt embarrassed and ashamed). He taught me an awful lot about this illness and i will forever be indebted to him.

    He was a success story. He conquered the illness which should give us all hope that we can do the same. As the illness probably took a while to build up to the point we lost the plot, so it will take time for the recovery also.

    I think one is caused by the other - physcological versus serotonin imbalance, but with the right support and care of oneself, basically putting yourself rather than others first which is probably alien to some of us, we can all get better in time.

    There will be highs and lows but if we can try and stay positive (hard i know sometimes) i'm sure we can get there.

    I have had counselling which has sometimes helped and hypnotherapy which is good also - neither of which can do any harm and are nothing to be scared or ashamed of.

    I must stop wittering on now and go to bed.

    MP :wink: :zzz:

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  • Posted

    Hi Matt and MP,

    Your both very wise and reasuring. Which I have been in the past for some of my colleagues!....

    Why can I not do it for myself?....

    Hey its not so bad, I am getting better, slooowly! and one of my sisters is very understanding, she's been there done that, actually a lot worse than me when it happened to her.

    And Matt your comment about do the drugs work physically or mentally is an interesting one, its a bit like did I stop sleeping because of the illness, or did the lack sleep bring on the illness?

    I have had this illness in the past, many years ago, and it coincided with having severe capal tunnel syndrome for several years! The pain and numbness from my wrists prevented me sleeping for more than 2hrs or so at a time, this inturn sent me over the edge so to speak. At the time, I spoke to a very good professional (not sure of her title, but worked in the mental health area) and she pointed out that anyone who goes without proper sleep for any length of time will sucumb to mental health probs. It gave me a valid, acceptable, if not excusable reason to deal with the depression.

    Even though I now know its an illness that I have, and it will reappear as and when it wants, I'm still not very good at accepting this.

    Hey has anyone seen Ruby Wax in her stage show, 'Losing it'? I felt a large number of the audience sat there like me and my sister, nodding knowingly :oops:

    Hey I rambled on now, so you take care

    and wish you all well M x smile

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  • Posted

    Hi one and all

    Firstly, sorry Matt for writing drivel when mixing up 2 of your paragraphs in your last post. Sussed it out after i'd sent it.

    Acording to the professionals i have what is called reactive depression and there were 2 main triggers for that. Still didn't see it coming though!!

    Not blowing my own trumpet but i've always been told that i'm a good listener (you've probably been told that too). The only trouble with this is if you have no one to offload on to. Everyone elses problems are stored in the head (they are now fine but you are not, over time).

    You have to learn to put yourself first. Its like being selfish and something that goes against the grain for a lot of us.

    May i suggest some reading matter? I'm not one to usually pick up a book but this book is extremely good and was recommended by someone on this site a while back. Its called 'Depressive Illness - the curse of the strong' by Dr Tim Cantopher. Tis about 8 quid but in my and others view, money well spent.

    Best wishes and chin up x :wink:

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  • Posted

    Hi

    Yes, funny how \"we\" folk wi this illness seem to be the good listeners, good pals, ever dependable... and we have no one like it (unless we are really lucky!) in return.

    I think the key like MP mentions is to be more selfish.. thats not to say, be nasty or cruel, but merely to look after number one, like the majority of \"normal\" people do... thats what I have learnt in the last wee while!

    ALthough it goes against the way I am, I now appreciate that there is some merit in it!

    There is a balance in all things - its just finding it that is the hard bit!

    Later!

    JoJo

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