scared

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Hi there I feel a bit of a fraud posting on here as I'm not using mits. But my partner is and I'm really scared. He's had MH problems for years. When we got together 3 years ago I wasn't aware of this, nor the fact he was an alcoholic. Anyway to cut a long boring story short he's now been put on mits for help with sleep and depression including and er issues he's nearly stopped drinking which is good because that fueled his anger and I was alway on receiving end. Anyway he's had 3 breakdowns in the time I've been with him which is the reason he's been put on mits. Since he's been on it he's been fantastic no real issues with anger. No violence towards me. I actually feel safe around him now. He's said that he's thinking of coming off them because he's always tired. I'm scared that if he comes off them his anger will flare up and get worse. He says he can't live with always feeling this tired. Please can someone tell me if this passes so I can try persuade him to keep taking them. I just don't know what to do. Before the tablets he was vile and I feared for my life. Now he's on them I feel so much better but he don't. I've read stuff on here saying when coming off them anger gets worse...I don't think I'm ready for that. But it's also not fair on him walking round like a zombie.will this be forever if he stays on them or does it get better. He's only been on mits a week and I can see the change the man I fell in love with is coming bk to me. In that week I've not been shouted at threatened or anything it's been bliss

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  • Posted

    Hi Joanne35006,

                              thats a tough situation you are in. I recall ny uncle who was a Catholic priest suffered from bipolar would regularly come off meds when well for the same reason. The research shows that mondern day (SSRI and SNRIs) anti-depressants work much better at preventing depression coming back than they do at actually making you better. The reason the newwer anti-depressnats are strongly preferred over the older more effective anti-depressants such as tryciclics and lithium (which is the gold standard anti-depressant) is they are much safer with very few side affects most of which dissappear within the first months of use and they help keep people healthy.

        If your partner still experiences increased fatigue after a month or two after starting an anti-depressant then there are options to combat this including the stimulant Modafanil which is used to treat ADHD in adults, excessive day time drowsiness and is also known among students the world over as the drug which makes you smarter (it apparently improves average performance in exams by about 2% or 3%). However, this drug would almost certainly have to be pre-scribed by a consultant but that is no bad thing and if your partner has had multiple depressive episodes over three years I would strongly urge that you push your GP to give your partner a referral to the local community mental health consultant. I would urge this action above any other as the secondary mental health services as you would expect deliver a significantly better and wider range of treatment than the can your local GP with the one exception that your GP sometimes is in a better position to get your partner your partner up the waiting list for talking therapy. Talking therapy (CBT), like anti-depressants is helpful at preventing relapse but is ineffective at making you better. You need to be relatively well to get benefit from it. Essentially CBT helps train you to think more positively and it is believed that this reduces the amount of stress you experience and therefore the stress hormones which can provoke relapse are minimised.

       Your partner may not be responsible for having a biological pre-disposition to mental health problems but they are responsible for their choice to take or not to take medication. Mirtazapine is becoming a market leader because it is effective and has very few and even then relatively mild side effects. Most people in a similar situation to your partner will do what is needed to keep well and will take medication with far worse side-effects to minimise the risk of getting ill. Most people in your partner's sitaution recognise they have an obligation not only to themselves but those around them to do whatever it takes to minimise the risk of becoming ill again.

            At the very worst case happens and the fatigue persists and none of the alternatives work then your partner will have a choice to make between constantly feeling fatigued or being aggresive and violent. I strongly believe that in that situation that your partner has a clear obligation to the people around them and that to choose being agresive and violent is clearly wrong. If the cost of not being agressive and violent is a level of fatigue then the choice is completely clear the person in question has a moral obligation to take the medication.

        Keep strong, you are exactly the kind of person who should be posting here!

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    • Posted

      Thank u. He's had a MH assessment but they seem to be dragging there feet. Which is so annoying. I'd rather him stay on meds but it can't be nice being tired all the time. He had 14 hrs sleep last night I've told him to stay on meds not to come off them until his diagnosis from MH team comes back... don't rate them much as they told him to stop his last lot which he did and few day without them I'm a victim to his violence again. This is how he ended up on mirtazapine he had a choice to get help or lose me. As I say I've had a week that's been bliss but I don't want him to feel zombified for the rest of his life. His character and personality will have gone.... The sleeping with a teddy and the hitting himself I'd cope without 
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    • Posted

      He probably does not appreciate and he may never truely appreciate how lucky he is to have you.

      The thing to remember with such severe mental health problems such as your partner is suffering from, is that the underlying cause is damage to the cells in certain areas in the person's brain. MRI studies show that there is a depletion of neurones (brain cells) in certain key areas of the brain associated with severe mental health problems. The bottom line is the brain is like the heart, in that it is an organ that is constant use and can never switch off to allow itself time to heal quickly. Like the heart the recovery time for any brain related illness is measured in months and years with huge amounts of rest built in to give the brain the opportunity to repair itself. The body can repair roken bones if properly rested in a matter of weeks, its not the same for damage to the heart or brain it really does take a lot of time. The good news is though that if you stay on the meds not only do the meds eliminate the severe symptoms of the illness, the longer you stay stay well the more robust your recovery becomes and essential with the meds you move the siuation from being progressively down hill to very slowly but surely in to a virtous circle where even if you have small relapses over time you do get back to your old self. There are other things that can assist getting better and stronger but none are as good as the meds, Other things which have scientific evidence that they work include increased Omega 3 so lots of either salmon or tuna sandwhiches (if he doesn't like either then you can get Omega 3 capsules, note don't take any with Omega 6 in them as the western diet is full of Omega 6 and what in particular helps is increasing the ratio of Omega 3 oil to Omega 6 oil in your body). It is also very good for your heart and blood pressure. On top of that increased daily physical activity, which doesn't have to be strenous but does have to be in blocks of at least 25 minutes a time, (the longer the better). A brisk walk of just under two miles would be sufficient. But none of these works as well as letting the meds do their business over a 9 month period. The likelhood is after about 6 weeks the fatigue will drop right off but if it doesn't ask about the Modafinil  as it principal effect is improving poor impulse control. It feels counter-intuitive but taking stimulants improves people's behaviour, I assume because you feel more properly awake your thinking brain is in control whereas if you are overtired you are at the mercy of the more primitive fight or flight part of the brain.

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  • Posted

    Ha counselling been suggested or AA, to explore what he is depressed about? Or have alternative meds been suggested. Does he have a consultant psychiatrist or a care coordinator?
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    • Posted

      He has nothing as of yet as MH assessment people are taking ages. He self refered for councilling but waiting lists are so long. And I can only do so much to help as they won't let me chase stuff up for him. 
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    • Posted

      Have you tried with MIND. I went there for counselling for 2 years ie where they listen, they don't say anything for a modest payment? Have you discussed what is on offer with your GP or care coordinator? Can he get a social worker?
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  • Posted

    Depression is NOT an excuse for domestic violence, emotional; abuse or bullying. FULL STOP!!! Nothing excuses being violent towards those who love you and to the point that you fear for your life? You must leave this man. Please contact womens refuge (see below) if you feel to scared to leave. You may not be able to do this with out help so please call them. They can even help you with a safe place to stay.

    http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

    I have seen close family members destroy their lives, marriages and their childrens lives through drink. It is selfish and inexcusable. If he hits you and you stay you are saying behavour is ok. It is not! Your worth more than him and deserve more. If he loves you he would not hit or bully you physically or emotionally. He may need help but it is not your responsability when he is abusing you. Leave him now. Let him get help. If some time down the road he becomes a better person then maybe you may have a future but right now you must keep your self safe. I am really sorry but please please contact the womens refuge for advice and help.

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  • Posted

    Depression is NOT an excuse for domestic violence, emotional; abuse or bullying. FULL STOP!!! Nothing excuses being violent towards those who love you and to the point that you fear for your life? You must leave this man. Please contact womens refuge. You may not be able to do this with out help so please call them. They can even help you with a safe place to stay.

    I have seen close family members destroy their lives, marriages and their childrens lives through drink. It is selfish and inexcusable. If he hits you and you stay you are saying behavour is ok. It is not! Your worth more than him and deserve more. If he loves you he would not hit or bully you physically or emotionally. He may need help but it is not your responsability when he is abusing you. Leave him now. Let him get help. If some time down the road he becomes a better person then maybe you may have a future but right now you must keep your self safe. I am really sorry but please please contact the womens refuge for advice and help.

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    • Posted

      Womens refuge information can be found here. Assuming they don't delete it again!!!

      w w w . nationaldomesticviolencehelpline . org . uk/

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    • Posted

      Just put something like nationaldomesticviolencehelpline or National Domestic Violence Helpline and a Google search will bring it up. I think that they do that so that the reference is not to inappropriate content.
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    • Posted

      Hi Tony,

      It wasn't deleted, just went for moderation and is now approved. I have asked that we have a leaflet to the group on patient.info and this will happen soon. When it is added you can use the direct link to the article on our site and they won't go for moderation. It will be on this page

      https://patient.info/selfhelp/n.htm and will also return on a search on the site.

      In the meantime, as Nick says just use a Google term if required to save delays.

      Regards,

      Alan

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  • Posted

    You don't say what dose he is on. I was on 15mg  it took me 4 weeks to start feeling less like a zombie and safe to drive. I have akso heard the lower dose has more of a sedative effect than higher dose but i cannot confirm that as i was taken off it for other reasons after 8 weeks but Mirtt did improve my mood quite quickly. I feel I would like to go back on it but may not be able to. He must give it a bit longer, yes its difficult when you feel like a zombie but it does pass. Good luck.
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  • Posted

    Why would you stay with this guy?

    You have to leave him. You are worth a lot more than this guy. You only get one life, don't waste it with this guy.

    I bet he's never accidently picked a fight with a 6' 2" cage fighter, yet he does with the woman he's meant to love.

    Leave him.

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  • Posted

    Hi Joanne, how are things has your partner stayed on mirtazapine as I suggested earlier? 

    If not and the violence has started up again I agree with Ted and Tony you need to get out of the relationship for your own sanity.

    Think about yourself first.

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