Self care anxiety

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I don't even know if this question is going to make sense.... Do any of you ladies get completely overwhelmed by the basics of taking care of a household and a body?

I had a panic attack that started with the week's cooking on Friday and has escalated exponentially over the past 2 days. Caring for the house, the car, and keeping up with all the cooking that goes along with my special diet is literally more than I can handle sometimes. (I have a rectal ulcer that is sensitive to multiple foods--so little to no eating out or packaged meals.)

I feel like I can't make time to take care of my body beyond the basics of eating and washing my face.

This feeling of complete and utter overwhelm reduces me to tears and I feel like I am never going to be able to outrun my racing heart.

I do not feel this way ever at work. Now, I don't love all the work at my job. But I never feel like this "I am going to die of panic" feeling like I do when I can't scrub out the stains from the tub or when I have too many kitchen appliances going. Or when I just can't make 3 minutes to put some lotion in my dry skin though my hands are bleeding.

What is happening to me?

This feeling started with peri about 4 years ago and just gets worse and worse each month. I can't stop crying today.

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17 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Maddy!

    I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. Believe me I do understand. I don't have the will or energy to do a lot of things these days since peri hit. I have two kids age 9 and 5 it is hard enough trying to manage their care much less mine. I have really let myself go. I used to get my hair done and dress more presentable. But now I dress very frumpy and wear whatever is comfortable which is usually denim and a t-shirt. I hardly wash my hair which for me should be every other week. Sometimes I go weeks without washing it. As far as cooking goes I used to be very creative in the kitchen and was once a professional cook but now I just throw together what I can and hope for the best. Sometimes I have to make myself do stuff. At least you work that can help take your mind off your symptoms. I am a stay at home wife/mom so it gets maddening sometimes. When I was working last year it did ease my thoughts. Try to do what you can when you can and don't put yourself more than you can bear. Take care. Sending extra hugs your way.

    Xx

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    • Posted

      Thanks, Sharcerv! It's a tremendous help to know I am not alone!

      I will take your advice about not taking on more than I can bear. Do you ever wonder where the line is for too much? Sometimes I don't know I have crossed it until I am way on the other side!

      Love to you!

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    • Posted

      When you are getting close to crossing that line of "I think this may be too much for me" you will know. My kids are very high strung emotionally. My daughter more so than my son. Last year they were in two separate schools. My daughter was in Pre-K and my son was in elementary school. I had to be home near her school bus stop to get her off the bus and then dash across town on public transportation to pick up my son. This year I thought my troubles were over because now they are at the same school. I was wrong! Taking them both to school and picking them up was a disaster. It is stressful for me now that I am in peri. My daughter would have monstrous meltdowns on the way home, people giving me that look like can't you control her. I had to request school transportation for her because it was just too stressful. Her program mandates bus transportation anyway but I had figured since they were both at the same place I'd pick them both up. I feel guilty for having her ride the bus while I pick my son up every day but I know that traveling across town taking two buses to get home with her and my son is stressful so I did what I had to do. I do take her home with me and my son once a week so she doesn't feel slighted and my husband takes my son to school and puts her on the bus in the morning . That has eliminated a lot of stress for me. I said all of that to say try to eliminate your stress however you can. For me it was taking one child home and not both at the same time for you it's... (insert whatever it is here).

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    • Posted

      I'm so sorry your daughter is stressing about school. But I am glad you found ways to relieve your stress and to get her back and forth to school.

      Of course, you are right. For me it is absolutely the cooking! Before I got sick I was a vegetarian. I bought 14 Lean Cuisines from the frozen section and ate 1 for lunch and 1 for dinner. I never cooked and never cared.

      After I got sick and needed to go on a Paleo diet, things got gross (raw meat! It's like cleaning up after a murder) and labor intensive. I just don't know how to outsource that job. And, while I am glad I eat tons of vegetables and my food is made of food, I despise the work.

      The intensity of my rage and despair over this indicates to me this is about more than the job. I just can't figure out what it really is.

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  • Posted

    Yes...to everything you wrote. I definitely hear you and have been there. i had a few bad years...and it was awful. but I came to the point that I stopped caring to keep up with it all...explained it to my family and asked for help. I was so overwhelmed by the simplest day to day things. I could literally look at a sink full of dishes and break into tears wondering how I was going to get them done! And before peri hit I could paint the whole house in a day AND get three loads of laundry done. I have passed that stage now. It did take me a two weeks to paint the whole house last month...which was a LONG time for me...but I got it done without getting overwhelmed. it will get better. Be patient with yourself right now. you are changing...but out the other end you will find out it was for the better. ❤

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    • Posted

      It's like you were in my house today. I sat sobbing at the kitchen table at the thought of vacuuming up all the dog hair. Then I graded for 3 hours and had a pretty good time. There is something about home--the isolation, the repetitiveness, the physical pain of the domestic labor--that brings up never having a mother and never being nurtured for me.

      It helps to hear that eventually this does get better. I had been so hyper competent and motivated. Now, my face looks like the Grand Canyon because I can't even bother to put on some $7 moisturizer. I make all sorts of self care lists and promises that I never follow through with because it feels easier not to care.

      Thanks for checking in with me. Weekends are terribly lonely. XXOO

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    • Posted

      I understand the loneliness. we moved to this town away from my family and friends...and I had one very troubled child to raise so kept to myself here for the most part while raising him. And soon after he was gone and on his own, peri hit me with unrelenting social anxiety for 7 or 8 years. I live in a rural area and don't have close neighbors...so it has been extremely lonely and I have been disconnected for too many years. this past year I am finally mentally able to get out and start connecting with people again and be the social butterfly that I haven't been in 20 years. It is exciting and I am loving life at this point. It does get better...hold on!

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies. You are anything but Indifferent!

      I am so glad to hear you are loving life again. I am waiting for that! My period still comes with the relentlessness of taxation. I am going to be in the maternity ward with the biblical Abraham's wife Sarah, I swear.

      How long after peri did you start to feel more like your old self? I miss my old self more than I ever thought I could.

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    • Posted

      well thats the funniest thing...I am still in Peri...so I have no idea if all the craziness will hit again when my periods finally stop. it is a terrifying thought to think that it might. Not sure I can bear it again...but for now I am going to enjoy this time of almost normalicy and I guess deal with it if I get another wave of the ridiculous hormonal roller coaster. Got my period today...and yes...feeling a little like I am in the twilight zone this morning and feeling a little creaky...but I will just take care of myself today and try and keep my mind on getting through today. A good book...some tea...and allow myself to just relax. This too shall pass. Always keep in mind that there is a light at the end of today. LOL.

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  • Posted

    ive looked at my nails for days and finally got the nail file out as was looking like a homeless person. i just do the minimum to keep the house clean. i used to clean the whole place in 2 consecutive days. and yes im always at the supermarket as i too eat very healthy .

    i think we may need a vacation !

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    • Posted

      I so get what you are talking about with your nails. I do a similar thing with my moustache. 😃 I feel like I'll wait it out and see if I can:

      1. Pass as Tom Selleck
      2. Get a contractor discount at Home Depot
      3. See if it goes away on its own.

      I don't even know if I took a shower today. My towels are dry so I am assuming not. When do I start to care about myself again?

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  • Posted

    Hi, sorry you're going through this. I had anxiety for a while too. It's a period of darkness, but there is hope.

    Friends and support truly help give clear perspective. Taking care of your health is key too. ( I took natural Vitamin B3 and Magnesium oil on my skin)

    For me it was constant prayer and being prayed over. Finally it cleared. For me I give thanks to my Creator.

    It's never as bad as we imagine. There is hope and light.

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  • Posted

    Maddysmom, curious, how are you doing now? I am going through the same thing now. Feel so helpless. Anyone else that commented, how is everyone doing?

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    • Posted

      Hi Nettie,

      Thanks so much for checking in!

      Things are about the same, maybe a little better? My GYN prescribe two different types of birth control. (I am 52 and still never missed a period.) She believed I would have more energy and feel less overwhelmed by life. I wasn't able to take either one because of nausea and other GI symptoms. There's some disappointment there because I'm always looking for the "cure" for peri.

      I have found some success in cutting out carbs, the OTC sleep aid I was using, and lifting weights. So I am sleeping a little better. But I am still overwhelmed and furious a lot of the day over the basics of being a person.

      Ultimately, I need more time and more psychological reserves.

      Does everything feel like a chore to you too? Even things that used to be fun and/or not bother you at all?

      Thanks again for caring! It means the world to me. 😃

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    • Posted

      Maddysmom, glad you are doing a little better. A little is better than nothing when one feels as awful as we do. Yes, everything feels like a chore to me. Even taking a shower in the morning or like you said before, just having to do the dishes. So strange. I have even a hard time doing the things I love. Feel like crying a lot. I walk our dog when I feel too overwhelmed. I joined yoga a few months back but lately thats too much of a chore to go to. I wake up with gripping anxiety every single morning. It's just awful.

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    • Posted

      I feel exactly the same way! The things I truly used to enjoy doing--exercise, work, travel--are all miserable experiences now. I feel like crying all the time. And when I can't cry, it feels like the weeping is stuck inside choking me.

      I wake up with morning anxiety too. It's terrible to feel like the day has overwhelmed me and I've not even sat upright.

      Feel free to PM me, Nettie! We can support each other as we go through.

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