Severe anxiety & depression for years and been through many physicians and therapies - none helped

Many people perhaps have more solid reasons to be here.

My apologies in advance for such a hughe text I am going through now...

I am privileged medium class girl used to be really good at so many things and been losing control for some years - I have anxiety since I can remember. Growing up in a conservative family none of those were options so I grew putting sacrifice ahead of everytihing and not being allowed to take decisions.

When adulthood strake back I was lost and saw myself and following what everyone wanted and never rebelled myself.

Had some engagement break up situation, authoritary, manipulative and dream-killer family (but truly good hearted people) added more harrassment at work, and normal socials untrusty friends... so I became suspicious and obssessed with everyones fake "honesty".

Still have many strenght , just don't know where.

I

lost my memory (in deed I loose inumerous words, times, things per day / and no, it is not reasonable for my age, just cannot!).

Had severe episodes of loosing 100% sensitivity of my arms and legs, even when driving -  which was quite disturbing and scaring.

I tremble since college. Since then I only slept maximum 4hours per night, very vigilant and always counting various walks to the loo. Since internship started to have IBS.

I was always very active and alienated. Always full of ideas and wanting to put hands on the job. Not anymore.

I am detail oriented for specific things, not the common things people would think about. I get out of head sometimes and when people speak to me and know they are but so far away is the voice that I cannot move to turn toward them.

Try to put my many ideas on paper and i am getting enough of so many ideas and not being able to follow one until the end. Become extremely unfocus. And then obssessed again... what did I say or do or thought or explained, or asked that was wrong. Seems that if no one gives me there ok I will loose determination. And right now I am tired of feeling overwhelmed. I get panic attacks when people insist with me. I always start slow talking and then if not respected at once I just dispair.

My family is being broken. I am social and family isolating myself. I know I am a failure but prefer people not to have any expectations of me so I can have some relief.

Is this running away of responsabilities? Because I wish to face them. Sometimes I feel like commiting a fellony so I can plea guilty and face consequences for good.

I tried volunteer work, be helpful, join new associations on my field, done not mind demanding part time to occupy myself and gain routines... none of it worked. I was getting ahead of me and everytime i was exposed I felt like my heart was going to explode and my arms and corpse just trembling, and the next days always got me worst.

What should I do? I would be willing to try any technique anything I haven't...

Can't stop crying for months in a row... glue to a computer trying to work as freelance so noone sees me - but is not paying my bills.

I do not oversleep. Waking up at 7 and get back to the bedroom at 8 to start researching, getting information, taking some edx course and then leave half way, well... putting some ideas on paper and try to feel useful... at least for myself... but it is all bulls**t... nothing is done properly. Use to write a lot and loved to write and paint and draw houses... cant o it anymore. More than 3 pages readings and I am out in my world loosing all concentration . how can I shift this??!

I am feeling too tired too tired... tired of myself.

please guidelines, contacts, techiniques... everything would be much appreciated. 

Thnk you for your time, indeed!Thank you.

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