Severe depression and feeling trapped. Need help....

Posted , 3 users are following.

Hey everyone! cheesygrin Im new to this site. Thought i'd make a post to get my thoughts out there. Might help myself and others who are reading. 

I'm a 20 year old guy and I've been dealing with depression for around 2 years now, with some good days but mostly bad days. I am a very anxious person and I have panic attacks once every few weeks (much more than I used to). I am quite an insecure person and I worry greatly about how others see me. I have no friends whatsoever (yes, really) and this could be due to my lack of social skills, or my introversion. I used to enjoy going out with friends, on occasion, so I'm not a total recluse. But having no friends makes me feel out of the norm and lonely. Makes me think there's something wrong with me cry

I had a wonderful childhood and a loving family as a child, and I still live with my mum (who is quite supportive) and I turn to her when I need someone to talk to or need comfort/reassurance. I wish i could be as happy as I was when I was a child (I know, don't we all). Things just seem so bad right now - no job (despite several interviews and applications), no friends, no relationship, sleep way too much. I just wish things were different.

The strange thing is, when I have really good days (very rare), I get something which I like to call "happy anxiety". This feeling comes when I feel very happy - I develop a fear of going back to my usual miserable self. So I try to stay on a level field - not too happy, but not sad. This is my comfort zone and I feel like this on good days.

I am a warm and friendly person, and I crave close, personal relationships. But which girl would want to be with a guy like me, who is miserabe, not very good looking, has no job and has no sexual desire? (i'm asexual). I fear of growing old alone and dying alone. I feel trapped by being alive, and I really wish I was born different, "normal", I guess. But I know it will never happen, which is where my sense of hopelessness comes from. 

Any advice and/or help would be greatly appreciated, and feel free to add your own struggles to the discussion. Help me feel that i'm not alone. Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading :D

3 likes, 8 replies

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Welcome to the forum

    Do you take medication for your depression and have you had any therapy?cool

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    • Posted

      I take 50mg sertraline and have tried counselling before. I found the meds to be helpful in keeping me "level-headed". As for the counselling, didn't find it helpful one bit. If anything, it made me worse (maybe it was my counsellor?) I have a doctors appointment in an hour and i'm gonna try to see a proper therapist who specialises in CBT as I feel it would benefit me. I'm just trying anything now as, like my OP said, I feel hopeless...
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  • Posted

    wow! miserable, not very good looking, has no job and no sexual desire? you just described me! amazing. see? i guess we're not alone. and i obsess about being alone in my older years. what am i going to do? i talk to my counselor about this stuff all the time. at least once or twice a week. i feel like i wont be comfortable or happy until i know what is in store for my future. i just cant relax untill i have figured it all out. and she tells me that it is natural to have a plan, and give myself goals....but, she says that for now, i am using all my thoughts and worries about something i dont have control of. i just cant help it. i am sorry that i dont have any suggestions that will help you feel better. if i had answers, i'd share them with you! but for now, even in a small way, find relief in knowing you are not alone. we both are not alone. you'd be surprized how many people have similar thoughts. i am always told to live in the moment. okay. well, at this moment i am worried. all the time.

    if i ever find some good advice, i will share that with you! okay?

    good luck! feel better!

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    • Posted

      welcome aboard the misery train! cheesygrin seriously though, thanks for the amazing comment. i guess i find solace in knowing i'm not the only one who feels this way. having the future planned out is a huge importance for me too. i'm not a very spontaneous person. i like routine and structure. uncanny how similar we actually are! and i'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time too. do you feel the counselling is helping you at all? 
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    • Posted

      oh yeah! my counselor is fantastic. i cant spell psychthrapist, thats why i have to call her counselor. gosh, i hope that is spelt right also....i love that "misery train" comment!! and i thought i've heard everything. but that one is hysterical! if you dont mind, i am gonna tell my sister. hahaha!!! i am glad to see you have some humor in your heart. every little bit anyway, i wouldnt be here right now if i hadn't ever met her.(counselor, not sister) i see her twice a week. she is very cool. she has paper and markers on the floor, and sometimes she just lets me draw. sometimes i can communicate better by drawing it out and then showing it to her. i am luckey to have her. i've had a handful of counselos in the past, and i dreaded to see them. i know we're all human and no one is perfect, but they were really horrible.  i would have anxiety attacks  in the morning on the days i had my appoitments. its not supposed to be that way! i used to feel worse after i saw them. but you know, its not always fun and games. cool woman or not, we do dicuss some pretty heavy things. it took me quite a while to trust her. and i had to work on somethings i didn't like to talk about. and she gently got me to feel comfortable enough to open up. now dont get me wrong. there are some things i dont dare tell her. like braking the law, and stuff like that. i do not want her to call the cops on me. for me, those are things i process with other criminals. okay, i am starting to make things a lot bigger than they really are...but seriously, i am truly blessed to have her. i wish you and others could have someone in you life like that. but i am not that dedicated, dont get me wrong. somedays i cancel my appointment cause i am worried about driving to see her. so, i called her once, told her i was very sick. heehee, i plugged up my nose so i sounded congested. (i think she knew! i mean really?did i actually think i could trick her!) i just do the best i can with what i've got.

      so, i hope you have someone in your life that can comfort you. sometimes we have to comfort ourselves. i have faith in you. you see how similar we are....if i can do it, so can you! a little at a time. 

      so, best wishes to you. good luck. keep sharing. get better.

      truly laura

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    • Posted

      hahaha wink glad i could make you smile! i'm glad you have a good counselor and you feel comfortable with her. you should tell her about your criminal past too, it could do you some good to let it out. she's your counselor, you should be able to talk to her with confidentiality and privacy as that is what she is paid to do. She won't and can't tell the police ANYTHING you tell her! The plugging up your nose to sound ill made me laugh ;D so thanks for that! But yeah, being worried about driving there is something I can relate to also. I feel my agoraphobia gets worse the more extreme my depression gets. Yet, when I didn't have depression, huge crowds and stuff didn't bother me! I guess i'm more prone to panicking when I know immediate help isn't nearby. I dunno. 

      I actually had a doctors appointment yesterday and i told them all this, and I asked for CBT which is currently being arranged for me, so that's a step forward (hopefully!) Best wishes Laura, hope you're having a great day cheesygrin

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