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Hey everyone! Im new to this site. Thought i'd make a post to get my thoughts out there. Might help myself and others who are reading.
I'm a 20 year old guy and I've been dealing with depression for around 2 years now, with some good days but mostly bad days. I am a very anxious person and I have panic attacks once every few weeks (much more than I used to). I am quite an insecure person and I worry greatly about how others see me. I have no friends whatsoever (yes, really) and this could be due to my lack of social skills, or my introversion. I used to enjoy going out with friends, on occasion, so I'm not a total recluse. But having no friends makes me feel out of the norm and lonely. Makes me think there's something wrong with me
I had a wonderful childhood and a loving family as a child, and I still live with my mum (who is quite supportive) and I turn to her when I need someone to talk to or need comfort/reassurance. I wish i could be as happy as I was when I was a child (I know, don't we all). Things just seem so bad right now - no job (despite several interviews and applications), no friends, no relationship, sleep way too much. I just wish things were different.
The strange thing is, when I have really good days (very rare), I get something which I like to call "happy anxiety". This feeling comes when I feel very happy - I develop a fear of going back to my usual miserable self. So I try to stay on a level field - not too happy, but not sad. This is my comfort zone and I feel like this on good days.
I am a warm and friendly person, and I crave close, personal relationships. But which girl would want to be with a guy like me, who is miserabe, not very good looking, has no job and has no sexual desire? (i'm asexual). I fear of growing old alone and dying alone. I feel trapped by being alive, and I really wish I was born different, "normal", I guess. But I know it will never happen, which is where my sense of hopelessness comes from.
Any advice and/or help would be greatly appreciated, and feel free to add your own struggles to the discussion. Help me feel that i'm not alone. Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading :D
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