Posted , 4 users are following.
A few people on here know me already and know a little about my depression and assaults.
I've noticed over the last two months specifically a couple of things that are starting to concern me and I was hoping to get some advice.
When I was about 6 I became what I would call, scared of dirt/contamination. In the sense that, I could not walk on a floor that I felt was dirty or that I had seen dirty previously. When I could not avoid walking on this floor/ground/poolside I would walk on the sides of my feet (which looked very odd) or my tiptoes and would stop touching the floor as soon as I possibly could as it would make me feel overwhelmingly uncomfortable. I swam competitively and poolsides were the worst flooring for me so things were very difficult then. It was also poignant with things like car seats, I could not sit down in a car that I felt was 'dirty' or had seen dirty previously. I would sit on my hands and then wash them thoroughly asap or sit on somebody else's coat that I felt was clean enough (but never my own otherwise I couldn't wear it). And finally, if my clothes touched the floor, even after they had just been washed, I could not wear them as I felt they had been 'contaminated'.
It all sounds like I was just being an awkward child but, I was very embarrassed and upset by all of this and my parents did not encourage, nor did they address it at all. It was just something I got on with and learned how to live with, albeit uncomfortably.
I never fully got over it (I don't go swimming anymore so things like that are easier anyway) but I could easily say, sit in a dirty car and walk on most floors (I mean without shoes on btw - with shoes is fine!). Overall, especially when I moved out to Uni etc. I got over this almost completely, it rarely bothered me and wasn't something I had to think about much anymore - which was amazing!
Recently, over the last few months it has been building up again. I can't stand on the floor in my bathroom in my flat and I keep putting my flatmates towel down to stand on otherwise I can't cope. I also keep having nightmares about being stood on the poolside and the floor is filthy, or I'm in a public bathroom with no shoes and the floor is dirty and wet (I feel sick, uncomfortable and as though I want to chop my feet off just typing this!) I'm starting to walk oddly again, avoiding letting my whole feet touch the floor - jumping onto my bed to avoid it etc. and I'm worried because I'm not a child anymore, if people see me doing this they will think I have lost the plot!
But at the same time, I don't know why I do this or how to control it. I did before so maybe I can again, but I genuinely have no idea what is going on! It feels so specific and random. I'm not a clean freak or anything it's just the things I have mentioned and it is only my feet and sitting in a car that upsets me. I don't know if it's just a quirk, a little characteristic and strange part of me or what. I feel like my stress and trauma may be what has made it come back full force though? Although I have been depressed for over a year now and it's only the last few months it has become so bad.
I am so sorry for such a long post! If anyone manages to read this without falling asleep and has any advice/opinions then please comment! I genuinely have no idea what to do with it, if anything?
1 like, 7 replies