So confused!

Posted , 6 users are following.

I'm not good at talking about my feelings in person but after my last visit to my GP, who spent an extensively long time asking me to make sure I do, I gave it a go.

I'm a bit unsure about what happened next - in that I'm not sure how to feel about it. 

I spoke to a friend who does know about my current situation, he knows I was raped, he knows I can't stand physical contact at the moment and he knows how low I have been feeling. This was a good friend of mine, somebody I have known for five years. 

After I poured my heart out a bit, he tried to kiss me - I mean full on pounced, I was so shocked! Adding to the fact that this act makes me feel sick to my stomach right now, he has a girlfriend (of six years). 

I felt awful, and ran away. 

I agreed to meet him the next day, he apologised and said it would never happen again. And I thought that was that. 

We then met up again, we've been friends for so long and spend time together a lot, I went round to his house, he asked me to come round and I thought nothing of it but as soon as I got there he was all over me again, it was disgusting and no matter how much I told him I was not interested and felt uncomfortable he didn't seem to listen. 

Nothing happened - I'll emphasise that now. But, I'm so confused now, I may be overreacting because of my history but, speaking about my issues has proven again to cause way more trouble than its worth!!! 

Professionals aren't always right, so tell me, is it actually helpful or useful at all to talk to friends about things? I usually feel awful when I do anyway, and this seems to have proven that people...are just pure awful. 

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  • Posted

    Hello Fee, First of all i am sorry you were raped. I have been in a similar situation as yourself thou a long time ago. I don't want to tar all men with the same brush but to talk to another man weather he is a friend or not about being raped could be a mistake. For some it could turn them on, i did the same thing. You put yourself in a very vulnerable situation. I trusted someone years ago about sexual abuse and they tried it on with me and they became very forceful, i had to fight hard to get away. It is not a safe enviroment to talk about deep personal issues such as rape or sexual abuse to other men except if it was your own husband or boyfriend, or even female friends who could pass information on to others especially if you fell out. You would be best to talk with a counsellor, who are trained in these issues and it will be confidential and safer for you. You can express you feelings knowing that it stays between you and them. Ask your GP for a referal to a counsellor on the NHS.

    Hope this helps. 

    Best wishes.

    Elizabeth.

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    • Posted

      Hey Elizabeth, really sorry to hear what happened to you, that's absolutely awful! rolleyes It's a terrible situation to be in. 

      I have been to my GP, we speak often and I have been referred on etc. but all professionals have been telling me I need to speak to those who are around me, friends and family, so in speaking to this "friend" I was doing as the professionals told me to do. 

      I didn't tell him anything in particular about the actual attack more about the psychological after effect. It's difficult because it was a very good friend of mine, and maybe I am freaking out over something possibly smaller than it is. Though, I can't condone him abusing our relationship. 

      I think I will stop speaking to anyone that isn't a professional about the issues though! It's obviously not worth it! 

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  • Posted

    Oh fee poor you. You do need to speak to someone but not a friend and definitely not a male friend. You never totally open up to a friend because there's always that worry they may judge you. On the other hand it's hard to talk to a stranger about your feelings. We're programmed not to throughout our life. 

    To to make it easier to talk to a councillor I'd suggest starting with a diary. Write down your feelings, your thoughts your fears your hopes, any emotions you feel. Once you can admit them to yourself it's a lot easier to admit them to someone else.

    i feel daunted by telling someone face to face. If you are like this then phone Samaritans. They are amazing and won't judge or pry or expect too much of you. They are there to listen and help. 

    Once you you are over this stage it becomes easier to speak to a councillor face to face.

    remember recovery is a long process. There is no over night fix. Good luck and I hope things work out for you xx 

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    • Posted

      Hey Pauline, a diary is a really good idea - I'll give that a go for sure, thank you smile

      It's horrible speaking to people face to face, I have bad anxiety anyway so that doesn't help! But oh well, we'll see!

      xx

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  • Posted

    Hi I am so sorry to hear this as you have been through such a terrible time.   I know how you feel coz I was raped as well many years also.  Elizabeth is right,  do not tell male friends no matter how long you have known them or how much you trust them.   They are very liable to think with their ...er appendages and jump on you,  or to offer you sex coz they can cure you of your physical dificulties!   Apologies to all men here who wouldn't do that do.  

    Only tell true female friends who you can trust to hold their tongues and not gossip,  and/or speak to a counsellor.   You have to remember that no woman deserves to be raped or 'asks' for it,  so please don't ever feel guilty or ashamed or believe it's your fault - it's not ever.   Ok? 

    There must be good supportive rape sites online,  so maybe that is an option too? 

    We are here for you and  will help and support you all we can.  You are not alone now as you have us.    Bev xx   

     

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    • Posted

      It's sad to say that you're right sad I was hurt by a stranger but I was stupid enough to think my friends wouldn't do the same rolleyes 

      I don't speak to people about my life and issues, I have a very good female friend but I won't be talking to her, it's just not something I can do. This particular male friend was the only person I felt I could talk to about things, but I suppose at the end of the day something else *cough cough* took precedence over a vulnerable person's feelings. 

      Thank you for your kind words, and I'm sorry to hear of your own experience sad nobody deserves it but the feelings of self hate, guilt and shame certainly feel pretty overwhelming. 

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    • Posted

      Hi Elizabeth thanks.  It was a long time ago but I remember carrying a

      short but sharp knife around for a while and putting it under my pillow at night.

      I am sorry you suffered as well.  Not a nice thing to go through.  

      Bev x

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  • Posted

    Hello again, I was very naive and it was a long time ago for me, it was years before i had counselling, which was initially for other issues. As Pauline says you can ring the Samaritians to talk anytime and to give you encouragement for face to face counselling. Hypercat is right in that you are not to blame. We are here for you anttime to support you.

    Sending hugs.

    Elizabeth  smile

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  • Posted

    To fee & all the others on this thread who have had this terrible experience, I feel ashamed to be a man when I read things like this. For this sort of behavour to actually "turn a man on"!! is horrendous, beyond comprehension & just plain sick. I feel for you all.

    As for confiding in people, yes, do try & get to a councellor, I did myself as I was not only experiencing the depression, but also trying to handle a marriage break up 11yrs ago. Fortunately, my wife & I are now very good friends, but the depression is still very much there. The constant up & down mood swings & energy sapping tiredness is making life a misery. Sleeping up to 16hrs a day & not feeling any benefit is crippling. I am on Citilopram & Propanalol & I am sure I would be a lot worse without them. Talking on here is also a good sort of therapy too. Even guys like myself can help you, even if it's to assure you that we are deffinitely NOT all like the one you had dealings with. I found the therapy of limited use, but can see how it might benefit others. Give it a try, fee. You have nothing to loose. Take care.

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    • Posted

      Hi Lee - thank you for your kind words, it is pretty awful, luckily of course, not all men are like this! The majority are perfectly lovely, but some do a good job of being horrendous! 

      I'm glad you gave it a try, even if it wasn't as successful as you'd hoped rolleyes maybe a different therapist would help? I know that for a lot of people they end up seeing a number of different counsellors before finding one that actually makes a difference! I suppose these things take time! 

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    • Posted

      Fee

      Agree with Lee - I'm so sorry - but there *are* male Crusaders out there that are OK.

      Also agree with the others, Talking about anything can encourage someone else - be it breaking records or starting a new hobby - that also happens with someone talking about rape though.

      My personal experience as a male is that 1. I am not confident. 2. There was an incident at a party that I thought was not right with someone that I used to know, but wasn't sure. (I ended up trying to check if she was OK by hanging 2 stories up off a balcony by my fingernails as she was taken upstairs.) Didn't have the confidence to call police. Turned out it was bad. I feel like I'm a rapist helper. 3. Then years later it happened again to someone else.

      I've carried this burden on me since 1990's. So although never as bad as being raped, males can also carry rape burdens sad

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    • Posted

      I don't have any issues with guys in general, I lived with 6 guys until recently, I have other friends who are male and I genuinely love them all they're lovely. I have faith in others, maybe too much - I won't be talking to any friends or family members about my issues, that's for sure but, I would never demonise a gender smile 

      That is an awful situation to find yourself in sad you're definitely not a rapist helper! You never know how you will act in a situation until it presents itself, and panic and worry can freeze anyone. 

       

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  • Posted

    That is so awful that your'e friend did this. I would personally avoid someone after they had done this.

    I was raped twice in the past. I couldnt help feeling partly responsible as I was drunk and in a vulnerable position. I did have counselling but for me it didnt help that much because the people who did it would never be convicted even though the police did investigate one of the cases. The second case there was rally no evidence to go on. 

    I did get upset when I was drunk again, and told a male frined about it, and I think he felt somewhat threatened, or he didnt know how to deal with the situation, and he just got cross and said 'well I didnt do it'.   

    I dont think anyone who hasnt been through this can really understand.

    But do try counselling as it might help, and do avoid your'e friend whousee dyour'e vulnerability as an excuse to try it on with you.

     

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    • Posted

      He has actually tried to get me round again since this happened, I don't plan on ever being around him again! 

      I'm so sorry to hear that sad being attacked once is devastating, I couldn't cope if it happened again. I can completely empathise with you, feeling responsible is the worst thing but so all consuming! At least you did try and convict your attackers, that is so incredibly brave - something I am definitely too cowardly to ever do! 

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    • Posted

      To be honest fee you probably wouldn't get anywhere even if you did.   You would probably be 'blamed' for going round to his house again even though you had not way of knowing.   The system is unfortunately weighted against the woman and people mainly go on about the odd woman who makes it all up.  They forget that most women never report a rape coz they don't think they will be believed.  That is much more important than the odd liar isn't it?   And the attitudes of some of those judges - unbelievable.  

      Your main priority now fee is you and that's what you need to concentrate on.   Avoid this guy like a bargepole as he is no friend to you.  

      Bev x

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    • Posted

      Well it was November that I was attacked, I know exactly where it happened so I could have lead the police there and in fact it is a very rough area and a week after my own attack, another girl was assaulted - whether it was the same man I don't know but regardless, I could not bring myself to face the police because I know I would have been told what I'm afraid may be true - that it was my own fault because I put myself in a vulnerable situation! 

      I genuinely thought speaking to a male friend wouldn't matter, in my head a friend is a friend, I trusted him completely and gender didn't even come into it. But, I was very wrong! 

      The justice system is totally biased when it comes to sexual assault, I've heard some terrible horror stories and it makes me feel physically sick! But, it's the world we live in unfortunately sad 

      I will definitely be avoiding him Bev, he obviously has no respect for women 

      Fee xx

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    • Posted

      Sorry fee I was talking about your friend who friend who tried it on and not the original rape.   Got my wires crossed a bit.   I do think you  would be believed for that as you are entitled to go where you like and it was stranger rape.   The harder bit for the police is trying to prove it especially as you didn't report it at the time and any evidence has now gone.   I am not blaming you for that at all my love as the first instinct is to be safe and feel clean again isn't it?  

      I did report mine and had all the tests etc.  but they never found him and I never heard about it again,  nor to this day.   Ok it was in the days before DNA but they could look again now.  

      I was living in London at the time and what got me was that there were 4 rape centres and in the one I was taken to I was the 4th one that night,  and for one poor girl there it was her 2nd time.   I was busy working it out - 4 x 4 means at least 16 a night,  that is 54 a month and over 600 per year.  I stopped then coz the figure were too depressing.  And if only 1 out of 10 rapes are reported......  horrible.  

      I hope you get some counselling love and it helps.   Take care

      Bev xx

      Remember you are not to blame!   Never no way ever.  It is 100% the mans fault.

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    • Posted

      I think its actually worth going to the police, because even if the guy doesnt get convicted or even to court, he may well get arrested as part of the investigation, which will shake him up quite a bit.

      The ist guy who I reported was arrested and questioned, and from what I heard, although I never saw him personally afterwards, he was pretty scared about it all, and even gave up  his job locally and moved away. I didnt know him before the event, but out of curiosity I phoned the place he worked because I knew where that was, and was told he had left a couple of months earlier which was shorlty after I had reported the attack......So DO report it, because its worth scaring the b******, even if nothing else comes of it!!!

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    • Posted

      I didn't know the guy but he looked like a drugged up dosser! 

      It's good that your allegation made a difference, that's a victory in its own right! 

      I don't live in the same city now though, I've actually moved halfway across the country and don't think I'm ready mentally to face anything like that :S though I know morally, it's the right thing to do..it's just, well terrifying. 

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    • Posted

      Hi

      yes I know its very hard to face dealing with going through a process like that with the police. In my case they said it would be hard to prove because I was drunk, and said I didnt give 'enough details' about my attack. I was shocked by this, and said something like - so what your'e saying is I should be describing something like a scene out of a sex movie - and they basically said yes!  I said I wasnt prepared to do that.

      When the case didnt get to court I was upset, but also quite relieved. I dont know if I could have gone through the ordeal of that anyway, - so I really dont blame you for not wanting to report it.

      Although the police are supposed to much more sensitive to rape victims after all the publicity about them not being, they are still not exactly very easy to deal with.

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    • Posted

      Well done you.  In my case the police said coz he broke into my flat they would do him for 'aggravated burglery'  which carried a much higher sentence than rape...says it all really.    Bev x

       

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    • Posted

      +1 yep - Man's descision.

      10 years ago, Australian stats had one in 3 female, and one in 7 males sexually assaulted / molested based on police reports (kids as well), so that was only reported incidents. I'm sure the stats counted some poor person with multiple assults as separate, but even so, its pretty confronting.

      Some of the assaults were women as well. sad

      carole U has a good suggeston: go to the police anyway.. Even if you have 5% information to give them, if they have 10 people do that they can start to pinpoint the guy. AND you get to have some justice - at least you can say Hey I did my bit smile

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    • Posted

      Australia had two Judges that made a series of totally rediculous judgements both aussault and dangerous driving resulting in death and and always got their photo promoted in the press. I guess they are High Court now. ! hmm

      They were vying for the least sentence. one guy went on an 8 month suspended sentence for rape. Suspended cause his Lawyers said he couldn't handle the pressure of Jail. That reeks.

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    • Posted

      Froggy2 you have a very good point encouraging Fee to go to the polce. I was told by the police that if a rape allegation is made against someone, even if the case doesnt go to court, the record that somone accused that person of a serious sexual assualt is put on the police computer, so if ever that person is stopped or questioned by the police again for anything, however minor, that infomration about the allegation will come up on their records.

      If ther are other sexual assaults being reported near where the person lives and the police dont have any idea who it is, they would probably investigate the person you accused because the past allegation puts them under more suspicion.

      So, it worth reporting it, even if it doesnt really lead anywhere!

       

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    • Posted

      I appreciate all of your support about the police, there's always things like offering anonymous intelligence as well. I won't lie and say I will report it because right now I am in no place to do that, I wouldn't be able to cope with it but, I think anybody who does report these things are so, so brave and brilliant. 

      Like I said, the area in which it took place is very rough (in fact it had a major red light district until last year!) the police have started patrolling more often which is good at least. 

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    • Posted

      Yeah - no pressure smile The good thing about this is you've kicked off a lot of thought, love and discussion so even if you decide not to do anything you may have encouraged lots of readers, to do something.

      I wish there was some way to make it easier to report - even for my example where I'm 3rd party. Perhaps if a Councellor, under Medical Confidence, could provide a statement from you to Police that way. 1. You get supported while you are writing the statement. 2. You know its in-Confidence.

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    • Posted

      I actually had an experience recently, where I went out with some female friends and we had been bothered by a certain older man in the pub for a while, when we left he followed us home, when we tried to escape he would circle round and be waiting for us - we did some research and turns out he is a convicted rapist with a "high chance of re-offending" we called the police, who couldn't do much, but we did get him banned from the pub at least! And now the police know to keep an eye on him. 

      It's horrible how common this is, I never thought it was so common in my own towns or cities, now I know it's everywhere!! Awful. 

      Thank you for your kind words and support Froggy smile I would encourage anyone to report these things, I suppose it can just be more difficult when it falls on you! I think there are some anonymous ways to report though, which is something I, personally may consider.

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